- Colleen North: [as Helen is leaving for the hospital, about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...
- Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry! You tell him *this* is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.
- Helen North: What are you two talking about?
- Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.
- Helen North: Not now!
- Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.
- Frank Beardsley: [to Colleen] It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love-in - it's the dishes, and the orthodontist, and the shoe repairman, and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: It isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts!
- [leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]
- Frank Beardsley: I suppose having nineteen kids is carrying it a bit too far - but if we had it to do over, who would we skip? You?
- Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.
- Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's gonna be explained right here!
- Frank Beardsley: [narrating] It was a typical wedding: enemies of the bride on the right, enemies of the groom on the left.
- Frank Beardsley: We've decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.
- Greg Beardsley: Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.
- Helen North: Ooh, *that's* what did it.
- Rusty Beardsley: And I apologize for all that vodka.
- Mike Beardsley: And I apologize for the scotch.
- Helen North: Scotch, vodka, and - ?
- Frank Beardsley: Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It's amazing you survived at all.
- Colleen North: Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I'm being ridiculous and I don't love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?
- Frank Beardsley: You're not being ridiculous.
- Colleen North: Well, do all the other girls, like Larry says? And am I just being old-fashioned?
- Frank Beardsley: The same idiots were passing the same rumors when I was your age, but if all the girls did, how come I always ended up with the ones who didn't?
- Colleen North: But it's all different now!
- Frank Beardsley: I don't know, they wrote Fanny Hill in 1742 and they haven't found anything new since.
- Veronica Beardsley: Who's Fanny Hill?
- Frank Beardsley: Go to bed, that's who Fanny Hill is.
- Family Doctor: [giving Mike his draft exam] How's your mother feeling?
- Mike Beardsley: You mean my stepmother. She's fine, I guess.
- Family Doctor: [while testing Mike with stethoscope] ... No morning sickness?
- Mike Beardsley: No, doc; I feel fine.
- Family Doctor: Not you - your mother!
- Mike Beardsley: Well, why should she have mor - ? Morning sickness!
- [rolls his eyes in disbelief]
- Medical Assistant: We need a sample of your blood.
- Mike Beardsley: Take it all...
- Frank Beardsley: I don't quite understand. Am I being stupid?
- Helen North: No, you're being a man. Which is sometimes the same thing.
- Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?
- [she pauses, nods]
- Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out.
- Helen North: Yes.
- Mike Beardsley: Why?
- Helen North: He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between 'em for the rest of their lives. And if you write him about it, I'll shoot you!
- Mike Beardsley: You would, too... Look, I'd just as soon he didn't know about this draft thing, either.
- Helen North: Why not? Can't we tell him anything?
- Mike Beardsley: No; I'm thinkin' about the Marines, though, and that would drive him out of his skull.
- Helen North: Oh. OK.
- Mike Beardsley: ...Do you really want this baby?
- Helen North: Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.
- [Mike thinks a moment, then nods his head in understanding]
- Sister Mary Alice: I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?
- Sister Mary Alice: Why don't you ask Phillip?
- Helen North: Phillip?
- [Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]
- Helen North: Darling! What happened?
- Phillip North: Nothing.
- Helen North: Who did that to you?
- Phillip North: One of the kids.
- [points at Sister Mary]
- Phillip North: *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.
- Helen North: What?
- Phillip North: And Mike isn't my brother.
- Helen North: Of course he's your brother.
- Phillip North: Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: Phillip North.
- Phillip North: There she goes again.
- Sister Mary Alice: Sister, couldn't you - couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?
- Sister Mary Alice: I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.
- Phillip North: Let's go to another school.
- Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.
- Sister Mary Alice: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: North.
- Helen North: Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: North!
- Helen North: Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!
- Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.
- Howard Beardsley: Is, uh, is this the Beardsleys' new house?
- Nancy Beardsley: We've come to deliver the babies.
- Family Doctor: Oh, have a heart! Leave them on somebody else's doorstep.
- Judge: There's been great fear expressed by many people that no one woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere. But in this court's investigation of *your* home, the reverse seems to be true. All the children seem to be happy, well-fed, and normal! The house, amazingly clean and in good order. My wife has two children, one poodle, and a full-time maid, and can't seem to manage anything! What is your secret?
- Helen North: Well, sir - a great deal of love, a little discipline... and a husband who doesn't criticize.
- Warrant Officer Darrel Harrison: [after Helen's false eyelash falls into her drink] Your Irish coffee is *winking* at me.
- Frank Beardsley: Is that all? Why didn't she tell me?
- Helen North: Because you would have said, "Is that all?".
- Frank Beardsley: [narrating why his ten kids resent him] Truthfully, I think they blamed me for neglecting their mother all those years. But there seemed to me that there was enough physical evidence I hadn't neglected her completely!
- Helen North: [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?
- Colleen North: Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!
- Janette North: We just shortened it a little.
- Helen North: A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!
- Janette North: What's wrong with that?
- Helen North: I can't go out like this!
- Jean North: Why not? Your legs are better than mine.
- Family Doctor: Call my wife, will you, and tell her I'm on my way home?
- [beat]
- Family Doctor: And tell her thank you.
- Frank Beardsley: For what?
- Family Doctor: We don't have any children.
- Helen North: Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.
- [sudden panic]
- Helen North: Frank! We're on a cable car!
- Frank Beardsley: Of course.
- Helen North: I get sick on cable cars!
- Frank Beardsley: Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.
- Helen North: Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...
- Frank Beardsley: Ridiculous.
- Helen North: [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!
- Helen North: That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.
- Frank Beardsley: So did I.
- Helen North: And speaking of children...
- Frank Beardsley: We weren't speaking of children.
- Helen North: We weren't? Oh thank goodness.
- Frank Beardsley: This is the last time I'm going to bring it up but... you do like children, don't you?
- Helen North: Yeah, within reason.
- Frank Beardsley: In that case, the hell with it.
- Family Doctor: What you have is a simple case of pregnancy. P-R-E-G...
- Helen North: Doctor, if anyone knows how to spell it, I do!
- Frank Beardsley: [going out] Mike, see that it's lights out by ten o'clock.
- Rosemary Beardsley: Ten o'clock! Are we back in kindergarten?
- Louise Beardsley: They stay up later in prison!
- Frank Beardsley: Would you like to move?
- Phillip North: If I'm gonna be adopted, why can't I talk?
- Judge: Don't question the workings of a democracy, young man!... At least until you're seven.
- Jean North: You mean he doesn't know about us?
- Helen North: Well, of course he does, darling!
- Jean North: All of us?
- Colleen North: Oh, Mother, that's so romantic! You lied to him!
- Helen North: I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!
- Colleen North: Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!
- Janette North: What's a liaison?
- Colleen North: An affair.
- Janette North: That's what I thought.
- Jean North: Me too.
- Helen North: Now that's just wonderful! And where was Veronica born?
- Frank Beardsley: In Japan!
- [Helen repeats]
- Frank Beardsley: In Japan?
- Frank Beardsley: I call her my little fortune cookie 'cause she came right after dinner!
- Helen North: [Helen begins to laugh loudly] That's funny!
- [ring bells in the kitchen]
- Helen North: Where's the fire?
- Rosemary Beardsley: Dinner is served!
- Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Till you're ready for it, the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love-in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist... and the shoe repairman... and ground round instead of roast beef. I'll tell you something else. Going to bed with a man doesn't prove your love. It's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable... wonderful everyday world with him that counts.