- Dora Charleston: Thank you. You are?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Bensonmum.
- Dora Charleston: Thank you, Benson.
- Jamesir Bensonmum: No, no, no, no, no... Bensonmum. My name is Bensonmum.
- Dick Charleston: Bensonmum?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Yes, sir. Jamesir Bensonmum.
- Dick Charleston: Jamesir?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Yes, sir.
- Dick Charleston: Jamesir Bensonmum?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Yes, sir.
- Dick Charleston: How odd.
- Jamesir Bensonmum: My father's name, sir.
- Dick Charleston: What was your father's name?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Howard. Howard Bensonmum.
- Dick Charleston: Your father was Howard Bensonmum?
- Dora Charleston: Leave it be, Dickie. I've had enough.
- Sam Diamond: The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.
- Willie Wang: Who do you think is the murderer?
- Sidney Wang: Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up.
- Willie Wang: But what if you don't wake up?
- Sidney Wang: Then YOU did it.
- Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!
- Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
- Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?
- Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.
- Lionel Twain: You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages that were never in the book before. You've withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for twelve cents.
- Willie Wang: [as they are about to leave Twain Manor] ... I don't get something, Pop: WAS there a murder, or WASN'T there?
- Sidney Wang: Yes: Killed good weekend. Drive, please.
- Dick Charleston: Be careful on this road. It's treacherous.
- Sidney Wang: Treacherous road like fresh mushroom. Must always...
- [son drives car away from Charleston]
- Sidney Wang: Idiot! Not finish mushroom story! Idiot!
- Dick Charleston: Up there, Dora, look - a blind butler.
- Dora Charleston: Don't let him park the car, Dickie.
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me?
- Sidney Wang: Went back to theory seldom used today: Butler did it.
- Milo Perrier: He's gone!
- Jessica Marbles: Who's gone?
- Milo Perrier: The butler. Here's the key.
- Sidney Wang: If butler gone, where you find key?
- Milo Perrier: In his pocket.
- Jessica Marbles: What pocket?
- Milo Perrier: The butler's pocket.
- Sidney Wang: Butler gone but pocket still there?
- Tess Skeffington: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.
- Sam Diamond: I was working on a case! Working.
- Tess Skeffington: Every night for six months?
- Sam Diamond: I got 50 bucks a day in expenses. I had dem queeries.
- Tess Skeffington: Twain had Polaroid pictures of Sam in drag.
- Sam Diamond: I was in disguise. Lots fo dames go in those joints. I never kissed nobody.
- Sidney Wang: What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?
- Lionel Twain: I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if YOU can tell ME why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his *prepositions* or *articles!* "What IS THE," Mr. Wang! "What IS THE meaning of this?"
- Sidney Wang: That what I said! "What meaning of this?"
- Dick Charleston: [after noticing that he is incorrectly seated next to his own wife, Charleston asks to switch places with Wang. An instant after they both stand up, two rapiers fall from the ceiling to bury themselves in the gentlemen's chairs] ... Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred.
- Sam Diamond: ...Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now.
- [a bomb is about to explode]
- Sam Diamond: I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!
- Tess Skeffington: I've turned, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.
- Tess Skeffington: [turns around] But Sam...
- Sam Diamond: I SAID TURN AROUND!
- Tess Skeffington: Yes, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.
- Marcel: Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Your what?
- Marcel: My buns.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?
- Marcel: Oh! No, monsieur. The BONES in my body.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything!
- Jessica Marbles: You mean...
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Yes. This entire murder has been... catered.
- Lionel Twain: How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and *lots* and *lots* of makeup.
- Dick Charleston: Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues to confuse us, dangles red herrings before our eyes, bedazzles us with bizarre banalities, while all the time precious seconds are ticking away towards a truly terrible murder still to come.
- Sam Diamond: You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya?
- Dick Charleston: Classy, I suppose.
- Jessica Marbles: Good God, gas!
- Miss Withers: I'm sorry. I can't help it, I'm old.
- Jessica Marbles: No, no the other kind of gas. The kind that kills!
- Miss Withers: Sometimes my gas...
- Sidney Wang: It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.
- Sam Diamond: I thought they always looked like that.
- Jessica Marbles: Knock it off, Sam!
- Sam Diamond: I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.
- Sidney Wang: Um... thank you.
- Willie Wang: Here's the bridge, Pop. Doesn't look safe to me.
- Sidney Wang: One way to find out. Drive across.
- [gets out of car]
- Willie Wang: Aren't you gonna come with me?
- Sidney Wang: Weight of two men may be too much for bridge.
- Willie Wang: Then why do I get to drive the car?
- Sidney Wang: 'Cause I smart enough to get out first.
- Tess Skeffington: He was arrested in 1932 in Chicago for selling pornographic Bibles. The D.A. couldn't make the charge stick when the church refused to turn over the Bibles.
- Sam Diamond: Wouldn't you know, out of gas.
- Tess Skeffington: I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: [hands her a gas can] I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.
- Tess Skeffington: He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?
- Doctor Watson: [cutting-room floor-scene on the foggy road, near the movie's end; as the Wangs are departing from Twain Manor, they pass a vintage car heading up TO the Manor. The other car is driven by Holmes and Watson] ... I say, old boy! Could you possibly give us directions to - Hello, it's Mr. Sidney Wang!
- Sherlock Holmes: [smoking his famous pipe] Greetings, Mr. Wang.
- Sidney Wang: Ah, greetings to you as well! You have something to ask, I believe. Directions to where?
- Doctor Watson: Ah, yes! We've been "cordially invited to dinner and a murder," by a Mr. Lionel Twain.
- Willie Wang: *Lionel Twain?* Listen, you guys don't wanna...!
- Sidney Wang: [cutting him off] Never mind him, please. Here - you go up this road, past bridge to "22 Twain." No can miss it.
- Doctor Watson: Ever so much obliged. Good day, then!
- [he and Holmes drive off]
- Willie Wang: I don't get it, Pop! Why didn't you just tell them it was all a ripoff?
- Sidney Wang: Ah, let idiots find out for themselves! Drive, please.
- Sidney Wang: Oh, there, voice come from cow on wall...
- Lionel Twain: [from moose head] Moose, moose, you imbecile!
- Sam Diamond: I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?
- Tess Skeffington: Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...
- Sam Diamond: All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.
- Dora Charleston: Is he dead?
- Sam Diamond: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.
- Jamesir Bensonmum: Ten people for dinner... and i'm serving them hot nothing. You can't get good help today. You're fired! Do you understand? Fired! I want you out, do you hear? out!... and STAY out!
- Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?
- Lionel Twain: Intimately.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?
- Lionel Twain: Definitely.
- Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?
- Lionel Twain: *The* murder. Precisely.
- Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?
- Dora Charleston: Where's my Dickie?
- [everyone stares at her]
- Dora Charleston: Sorry. Where's my husband?
- Dora Charleston: I don't understand. Why would anybody want to steal a dead, naked body?
- Dick Charleston: Well, dear, there are people who, um...
- [whispers rest into her ear]
- Dora Charleston: Oh, that's tacky! That's REALLY tacky!
- [Playing a game of deduction]
- Sidney Wang: And you Mr. Charleston, did not approve of Mrs. Charleston dying her hair blond?
- Dick Charleston: What do you mean?
- Sidney Wang: Mrs. Charleston's hair red. You have blond hairs on shoulder. This means she has dyed red hair blond, then back again to red, or else you have been... So sorry, Wang is wrong.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est-ce pas?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's.
- Dick Charleston: Now let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler, one host with a butcher's knife in his back, and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets.
- Dora Charleston: Is that what that is?
- Dick Charleston: Yes. They can kill instantly. I suggest we don't move.
- Dora Charleston: For how long?
- Dick Charleston: Quite possibly for the rest of our lives.
- Marcel: I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: They already know!
- Marcel: Then why do you wear it?
- Inspector Milo Perrier: I didn't know that you knew.
- Jessica Marbles: I'm not one to use hyperbole, ladies and gentlemen but I'll tell you this, for the first time in my life I had the caca scared out of me!
- Dora Charleston: Dickie, I like her. I really like her!
- Willie Wang: [driving across rickety bridge] I don't think I'm gonna make it, Pop. It's gonna collapse.
- Sidney Wang: Don't worry. Father find other way to house.
- Sam Diamond: I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket.