Soapdish (1991)
Whoopi Goldberg: Rose Schwartz
Photos
Quotes
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Rose Schwartz : Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.
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Montana Moorehead : [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson : [annoyed] I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!
[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]
Jeffrey Anderson : Doctor!
Ariel Maloney : A second opinion...
[Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing]
Ariel Maloney : ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz : Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]
Montana Moorehead : [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!
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Rose Schwartz : The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
David Barnes : They froze the head. They put it on ice. They put it back on in a precedent setting two-day operation. You know, its like, would you use your imagination.
Rose Schwartz : He doesn't have a head!
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David Barnes : I was under orders.
Celeste Talbert : So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
David Barnes : Himmler.
Celeste Talbert : No, no, no.
David Barnes : Hess.
Rose Schwartz : Eichmann.
David Barnes : Eichmann.
Celeste Talbert : Eichmann! Thank you. Eichmann!
[points at David]
Celeste Talbert : That's you.
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Edmund Edwards : She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.
Rose Schwartz : Yeah.
Edmund Edwards : We have to love her.
Rose Schwartz : Mmm.
Edmund Edwards : We have to care about her.
Rose Schwartz : Mmm.
Edmund Edwards : And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.
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Rose Schwartz : You know, I'd think you were acting, but you've never been this good.
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Rose Schwartz : I'm looking at crawdad butts, cover 'em up!
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Rose Schwartz : I could write you out for six months. You could take a sabbatical. Six months you'd be gone. We'll just say that Maggie went to Tibet to visit with the Dalai Lama. Like a spiritual thing.
Celeste Talbert : I thought the Dalai Lama moved to LA?
Rose Schwartz : Well, then some other Lama. It doesn't matter. Fernando Lamas.
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Nitwit Executive : Ariel should be raped by Father Cory.
Nitwit Executive : I think the Contessa should be kidnapped by some colored guy.
Rose Schwartz : Colored guy?
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Rose Schwartz : What I want you to help me understand is making Celeste - Montana's mother. Now, did Celeste have her when she was five? Six? Seven? When?