- Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
- Van Wilder: Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not suppossed to be.
- Gwen: And how many times has your heart led you into the women's locker room?
- Van Wilder: This would be a first.
- Gwen: Why do I find that hard to believe?
- Van Wilder: I'm not saying this is the first time I've been in here, just usually it is another part of my anatomy that does the leading.
- Van Wilder: It's a date.
- Gwen: It's an interview, not a date.
- Van Wilder: Gwen, first dates are interviews.
- Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?
- Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet dude, it fries their brain cells.
- Van Wilder: Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.
- McDoogle: I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential.
- Van Wilder: That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was 'cause, 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.
- McDoogle: Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?
- Van Wilder: What?
- Van Wilder: [speaking about Gwen's boyfriend Richard] I'll bet he's a tighty whitey guy.
- Gwen: Excuse me?
- Van Wilder: White, elastic band, constricting. You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. Like you - granny panties I bet.
- Gwen: Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type?
- Van Wilder: Mmmm, no.
- Van Wilder: [sighs]
- Van Wilder: I just wanted the visual.
- Vance Wilder, Sr.: Where can I find Van Wilder?
- Wasted Guy: In the Guinness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... under "Raddest Fucking Dude Alive"!
- Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ok. Thanks.
- Wasted Guy: In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.
- Van Wilder: [while standing pantless next to the freshman] But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
- Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
- Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.
- Van Wilder: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.
- Taj: No cock pump. Barry White.
- Van Wilder: Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!
- [under his breath]
- Van Wilder: Not that you had to.
- Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.
- Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.
- [looks up at the ceiling and sighs]
- Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.
- Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?
- Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.
- Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.
- [Van looks shocked]
- Van Wilder: Like what?
- Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.
- Van Wilder: Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attended class today just about stayed the whole time too!
- Gwen: I'm glad you went to all your classes today.
- Van Wilder: And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.
- Gwen: That's great!
- Van Wilder: I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.
- Sally: Dope song. What's it called?
- Van Wilder: Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.
- Sally: Who's Air Supply?
- Van Wilder: How old are you Sally?
- Gwen: Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?
- Van Wilder: Carry the two, yes that's correct.
- Van Wilder: Was that a...
- [looks away and points]
- Van Wilder: Judges ruling? Uh huh. Yeah.
- [looks back]
- Van Wilder: I do believe that was a joke.
- Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
- Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
- Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
- Richard: Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. I'm releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!
- [grunts and giggles]
- Gwen: Are you okay?
- Richard: Yeah. Why? Well, didn't you?
- Gwen: Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.
- Richard: Damn it, Gwen! You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams.
- Gwen: I'm sorry.
- Richard: Look, I'm sorry. This semester's marks could determine in the next 10 years of our lives together. Do you realize that?
- Gwen: You know... you shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
- Richard: [laughs] What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm late for my study group.
- Van Wilder: Blue - it brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes, not unlike yourself - anyone ever tell you that?
- Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.
- Van Wilder: Your boyfriend? What's his name?
- Gwen: I don't think that's any of your business.
- Van Wilder: [Puts on sunglasses and turns away] You're right
- Van Wilder: What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?
- Ms. Doris Haver: I have cats.
- Van Wilder: Meow!
- Sally: [straddling Van and kissing him, turns around and sees Gwen walk into Van's room] You must be Gwen, the truck driver
- Van Wilder: Gwen?
- [chases her outside]
- Gwen: What were you doing up there?
- Van Wilder: As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that was my room...
- Van Wilder: [looking back]
- Van Wilder: Wasn't it?
- Gwen: What was that girl, a freshman?
- Van Wilder: She reads at a sophomore level.
- [Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor]
- Ms. Doris Haver: Oh yeah... that's the shit!
- Van Wilder: You know... I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?
- Ms. Doris Haver: Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!
- Law Club Member: It's ridicoulous, it's preposterous, it's ludicrous... By God it's impetuous!
- Hutch: So does that mean you gonna help us?
- Law Club Member: Oh it's on!
- Taj: Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.
- Van Wilder: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.
- Taj: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.
- [Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]
- Van Wilder: Taj, your first blow job!
- Taj: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!
- Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?
- Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.
- Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
- [Hutch starts coughing and gagging]
- Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?
- [Taj nods his head]
- Hutch: Oh damn!