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Braid (2018)
Love it.
I saw this when it came out but for some reason never wrote a review, so here goes.
I'm a huge fan of old school arthouse and grindhouse and drive-in fare, and I love this movie, couldn't be more of a fan. Perhaps, if you're a fan of the kinds of films mentioned above, you too will be drawn in immediately; this picture is dark, sexy, gory and strange. The script is absolutely, fabulously weird, the visuals are arresting and the performances work. You're never sure what's coming next and it's because of that constant curiosity that I was glued to my seat.
First time writer-director Mitzi Pierone has some wonderful ideas and shows great command of the unusual, dreamy, druggy world the girls inhabit. No spoilers here, but if you enjoy the films of Catherine Breillat or hmmm...Jean Rollin, then you just might love this movie. It's so much fun, twisted and funny and totally unique. Give it a chance!
Late Night with the Devil (2023)
Wish I saw what others see in this.
First off, there are many saying that there's nothing else like this out there, which simply isn't true.
The central conceit feels a lot like Ghostwatch, a (better, imo) movie produced by the BBC back in the nineties, but at its heart it's a found footage film, and at this point we've had a bunch of those. There were times it reminded me of other media, too, things like the radio version of War of the Worlds or Cigarette Burns.
I think that for people who didn't live during the seventies it can be difficult to bring that look back to life for the camera and to have it work, and I give the filmmakers 100% high marks here. They did a truly amazing job capturing that essence. I will say that the costuming and hair and makeup was pretty on point, as was showing the absolute fascination with all things occult that was a major part of, and that lasted all through the seventies. But this is all very surface level stuff.
It's not scary. It's not scary in the slightest. There wasn't any point during the (somewhat overlong) runtime where I thought 'wow, this is amazing!' As an homage to a very specific time and place in American television history, yes, it works. But there isn't even any suspense to speak of, no moments of sheer horror, and the plot itself gets badly jumbled in the third act. It felt very bland, very restrained. I think most people with a passing familiarity with movies and plot twists are going to see where all this is going very early on.
I'm glad that viewers seem to be getting such a charge out of it-it's always great to find something you love that you can talk about with people-I just thought this was kind of bad, to be honest.
The Invitation (2015)
Excellent slow burn. Do NOT spoil yourself.
One of the most satisfying movies I've seen in a while, with great performances all around. This is very much a film which takes time to get where it's going but once it's there, is immensely rewarding.
Director, script and actor do a great job of making you feel total identification with protagonist Will and you understand perfectly why it is that he spends most of the film in such an emotionless, numbed out place. Ex-wife Eden has remarried, quite happily, and chooses to smile through her duties, graciously hosting a dinner party for beloved friends who haven't seen one another in far too long.
John Carroll Lynch essays a great turn as new to the group party guest Pruitt, and although many of the actors weren't familiar to me everyone does a terrific job with the material.
I loved this and I'd recommend it to anyone. Be patient with it and no spoilers. 8/10.
Home Movie (2008)
Awful.
Something's obviously very wrong with the kids from the get, which means that ultimately the story has nowhere to go.
Mom is a child psychiatrist and Dad is a pastor, but it takes a foolishly long time for either of these 'professionals' to take the actions of the children seriously. It's difficult to buy into the story when mom and dad are seemingly oblivious to the somewhat problematic fact that their kids are murdering their pets and that this is an unhealthy and gee, even dangerous activity.
Dad continues to behave as though everything is terrific even after mom decides the twins need to be tested for the kid version of antisocial personality disorder. Frankly the character comes across as delusional, irresponsible and ultimately dumb, but for whatever reason, he wakes up at the halfway point and passes the idiot ball to mom.
There's zero urgency regarding what the kids are doing to each other and to classmates so by the time we get to dad's exorcism and mom's psych drugs you're just waiting for it to end. There's an expected, fake out'happy ending' but anyone who's ever seen a movie before knows that the kids are still monsters. In the end you're left feeling that the parents deserve what they get for being so passive.
It goes nowhere. Pointless.
El violador infernal (1988)
Excellent film
Packed to the brim with exciting hairstyles, unusual eye makeup, salacious concerns, interesting nail art, Satan, constant use of drugs and alcohol, nostalgic fashions, and peculiar pick up lines. I gave this film ten stars out of ten for not being made in 2023 and for being short as well as a lot of fun for a number of reasons, most of which I listed above.
Vinegar Syndrome did a great job restoring this forgotten piece of Mexican exploitation and bringing it to a new audience, who are probably all very unhappy at the thought of such a film even existing. Most importantly, I thought the lead actor was sort of cute, and gave a fantastic, if somewhat turgid performance and in closing? I'm a fan.
Audrey Rose (1977)
Constant repetition
I don't know if Robert Wise was going for some kind of meta with regards to the constant transmogrification of the soul or whatever but by the twentieth time you've heard Susan Swift scream the words 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' or poor Anthony Hopkins saying the name 'Audrey Rose' over and over and over again-well, let's just say playing a drinking game based on any of these is going to have you passed out pdq. Did they not have a long enough script? Why so much padding? Maybe everyone could have just stayed quiet?
The shrillness of this movie is frankly hard to sit through and it's weird because not a whole lot happens in the film. Anthony Hopkins shows up and talks about reincarnation, Susan Swift screams, Marsha Mason cries, and the guy who plays the dad acts like a jerk. The annoyance factor never really lets up and I can't imagine how badly Susan Swift must have messed up her vocal cords from the non-stop shrieking. Total waste of time.
Orgasmo (1969)
Mid tier giallo; what I really want to know is whether
Or not anyone else out there has ever noticed that the actor doing the English dub for Lou Castel sounds an awful lot like Bernie Kopell, aka Doc from the Love Boat? I have a weird ear for voices. So while this is a perfectly serviceable giallo with the prerequisite 'twisted' sexuality, a few topless shots here and there, hallucinatory weirdness, and a fairly lame setpiece badly ripped off from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? The fact remains that none of the above could stop me from spending the entirety of the runtime listening as hard as I could to the voice of that heartless young gigolo. If only I could write Bernie and ask him.
I'm almost certain-let's say 97%--that it is in fact Dr. Adam Bricker being a slimeball and forcing pills and booze down poor Carol Baker's throat. IMDB tells me that this role was essayed by someone called Gino LaMonica, who supposedly also dubbed Ray Lovelock in Autopsy, but I just watched that to check and it doesn't sound like the same guy at all.
So in my world, Bernie Kopell picked up some spare change by doing the voiceover for a sleazy Lenzi movie at some point after he did Get Smart. I can totally get with this, because it's bizarro.
If anyone else out there can hear this, let me know! Trying to figure it out is more fun than the movie, that's for sure.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)
If I 'didn't care about men like' Indy,
Then I wouldn't have bothered to see the picture, now would I? I'm paraphrasing, of course, but this has become such a tired refrain in movies these days. I wonder if it'll ever stop? This time out they get the always lovely Mads Mikkelsen to do the honors, but even his (evil!) charm can't prevent the annoyance I feel that I'm being lectured to, yet again.
In order to review this movie, I have to talk about the day I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark with my dad. I was ten. It was my absolute favorite movie as a little girl. I liked Star Wars okay, but...
My dad had read articles in the paper about Raiders, and heard the radio ads and couldn't wait for it to come out. He was super excited that he was going to see a modern day take on the serials he had loved so much when he was a little boy. It was especially cool for me; my family were all huge movie lovers, but this was the first time me and my dad would ever see a movie by ourselves. Mom liked mysteries and romances, dad liked sci-fi and adventure, and I loved classics and horror. Our household covered all the genre bases nicely! This time out though, she just wasn't interested. So we waved goodbye, and off we went. Me and dad got our tickets, waited patiently in line at the concession stand and splurged on jujubes and twizzlers and sno-caps and giant sodas and our own tubs of popcorn. Staggering under the weight of candy and enough extra 'butter' to feed twenty people, we got our favorite seats-dead center and in the last row of the first section-and settled in. I never had a better time at the movies. Sitting there with my dad, I could see right away why he had loved these movies when he was a boy. You couldn't help but love them. It was like being on a roller coaster, so many twists and turns, seeing far-flung corners of the world, tombs and treasures and romance and adventure and SNAKES, great music, wonderful good guys to cheer for and the most evil villains to hiss at. Marion was tough and beautiful and I wanted to be her, running that bar in the snowy wilds of Nepal and drinking all the men under the table with a gleam in her eye; Indiana himself the perfect hero, smart and funny and brave and handsome-he was my first crush-and it was the most fun I ever had at the movies. It's because it *was* a terrific movie, but also because every time I peeked over at my dad, he had a truly wonderful look of sheer happiness on his face-so much like a little kid again himself, he was so caught up in the movie. When it was done, we left the theater, shouting and laughing about all the coolest parts (just shoot him!) and the grossest parts (melting Nazis!) and talked about it all the way home, we just couldn't stop going over it. Of course, mom wanted to see it right away! It was the perfect movie to see with my dad, and an experience I'll always look back on with happiness, especially now that he's not with us anymore.
I'm sure most of you already know what this picture's about, so I'll keep this brutally short and say that I'm so glad the rumors weren't true, (or so glad they reshot the ending) and I'm also glad I got in for free. Nothing will ever change the fact that in my world, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. Lives happily ever after in a dizzying rush of treasure and romance and adventure, always young and strong, always a hero.
Thanks for taking me to the movies, Dad. I miss you.
Skinamarink (2022)
Something weird happened as I watched this.
When I was at film school, I watched a lot of different types of movies. We had a semester where the theory professor focused on avant-garde and experimental filmmakers like Michael Snow, Maya Deren, Stan Brakhage, and Kenneth Anger. I say this not to try and be obnoxious but to give a sort of background regarding my feelings about the 'lack' of plot and story-there is a story here, no doubt, but it is not in any way presented in a fashion that most will have patience with. You do not see the faces of the children, you cannot hear what is being said, the camera is often aimed at the ceiling or a wall or the television or floor. Subtitles are a must.
Even with this vaunted (lol no) film school background, I was frustrated and annoyed, watching the first thirty to forty minutes. Then I began to feel incredibly tense. It got worse and worse and at one point it was so bad that it was almost as though you could feel it in the room; the tension was that palpable. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. After the film was over, my anxiety continued to grow--really strange. I watch a lot of movies and a ton of horror. It is my favorite genre. This was a very different emotional response, nothing like the kind of 'fear' I feel when I watch my personal top ten.
The fear comes, I think, from being stuck (if you decide you're going to watch all the way through to the end) in this claustrophobic, intensely unsettling place with these children. As I said about the director's short film Heck, Skinamarink has the definite possibility of bringing back uncomfortable or frightening memories of childhood you thought you'd dealt with. It's not necessarily a fun experience, but I think the film's capacity to take you right back to your worst childhood fears is so unique that it deserves points for that alone. I guess I'll just say that this movie is the horror of child abuse. If you've had those experiences then the film works pretty well. The aggressively experimental bent that feels so annoying at first slowly becomes a nightmare that works; after a while, all those angles and shadows and the slowness of it all makes you feel like a child, when dark houses are so frightening you can't recognize where you are, when time moves like molasses, and being in your parents room at night is definitely not a good place to be. I wanted it to be shorter, but I don't know that it would be as effective if it were shorter.
Did I *like* it? I don't think so. I don't know. I'm still thinking about it-that's something that doesn't happen very often.
Heck (2020)
Jeffty is five
And mom has no mouth, but would probably like very much to scream.
I guess I've got to boost this word count somehow, so I'll say that I found this to be more effective than Skinamarink. The condensed runtime didn't lessen the impact in the slightest. The two stories, such as they are, are extremely similar in nature, but the horror of this spins more around the axis of neglect, while the horror of Skinamarink is a much more active sort.
As an entirely personal aside, I think it's wise for adults who are still dealing with fallout from childhood abuse, to be aware that both films can produce some extremely unpleasant reactions. It's like child abuse horror, which I suppose is the last remaining taboo. I'm not sure that line needs to be crossed, but perhaps there really is nothing left with which to terrify people in any meaningful way.
Speaking as a big fan of Deathbird Stories, I think Harlan would appreciate this little tribute. He certainly appreciated the horrific.
Armchair Theatre: The Greatest Man in the World (1958)
I wish he'd done more comedy!
Yes, the Paddy is playing it big and broad, but that's the character, and he's totally having a ball. There are definitely some performances scattered here and there throughout his career where he's obviously not all that interested and is therefore not doing the best job; but this isn't it.
It's obvious that the live setting was enervating and fun for him, and he does a terrific job at portraying a goofy boor from beginning to end. From the buildup of the first act until we lay eyes on Jackie halfway through the second act-if you know anything about James Thurber, you're probably cottoning to the fact that Jackie is going to be an enormous, uncontainable mess, and McGoohan does not disappoint. He explodes into the previously staid proceedings as the shmoozy, boozy, loudmouth who can't stop or help but to be the bum he is.
I was particularly impressed by his ability to smoke a cigarette and simultaneously chew about six sticks of gum!
He's clearly not in any way the hero that was needed, so it's no real surprise that Jackie will come to a bad end. I loved it.
It's a short play, but it's fun and moves quickly. Very nice to see Donald Pleasence, another favorite, in the role of the harried President who has to deal with the nightmare that Smurch presents. So cool to see the Paddy having fun with a role and just letting go. Pick it up from Network, it's ridiculously cheap these days.
Throwing Down (1995)
it's an excellent film
And it's sad that no one gets to see it. It won best cinny at the first ever Hamptons film festival and there's a reason for that. The writing is terrific, the characters well defined and snazzy, great performances from jobbing actors. The director does the most he can with the budget, there's some stolen shots down in the subway, guerilla style. It's just a solid, sometimes funny, sometimes messed up story of a con that went wrong.
Kevin Pinassi and Colleen Werthmann both shine in their respective roles as slightly sleazy guy with a heart of gold and hesher chick. Obviously, Jeffrey Donovan went on to bigger things, rightfully so.
I should fess up that I worked on this film, as a member of the art dept. It was one of the happiest times of my life. This doesn't in any way color my review, however, because I hate movies that suck. This movie does not suck.
Onision: In Real Life (2021)
so nice to see greg finally get his in the msm.
Dramatubers and their one-starring stans aside, this doc does a great job introducing the general public to the dumpster fire that is onision. he always wanted to be famous, and now? he really is. just not in the way he intended. a sexual predator and serial abuser who was allowed to not only exist, but to thrive on youtube, greg is finally getting what he deserves-the spotlight.
enjoy your infamy, waterhead.
The Green Inferno (2013)
If you're a fan of the Italo-cannibal genre, see this!
Filled with in-jokes, homages, and snarky jabs at the SJW set (many provided by Sky Ferriera's sweetly dour stoner character) this movie was a pleasure from start to finish. It helps, a LOT, to have seen most if not all of the films this one references, but I was surprised and pleased to see some references to Werner Herzog in there too, which should be expected since Roth shot on the same river as Aguirre. But I digress.
Filled with enough blood, guts, and viscera for the most discerning gorehound, the film gets the kills going, includes an uncomfortable vaginal exam, and a very unpleasant plane crash which was probably the most horrifying thing in the entire movie from my perspective, since I hate flying.
A Cannibal Ferox ending followed by a Man From Deep River teaser in the credits? If Roth makes it, I'll be there. If you love these films like I do, go and have a good time.
The Taking (2014)
Meh.
The idea of making a horror film based on Alzheimer's is a sort of tasteless one, isn't it? I know a lot of horror is tasteless in some way, but this left me wanting to take a quick shower. The image of an old woman in the student's pseudo-doc who's either dead or close to death early on in the film was unpleasant, but it didn't make me think 'oooh, scary', it just made me think the filmmakers were...let's be kind and say 'enterprising' for sticking that image in there.
It's exploitive enough, with a frail elderly woman walking around naked, having painful medical tests run on her (just like Regan MacNeil! Surprise, surprise!) and acting spooky, which is one thing, but then it switches gears to a dead child murderer and snakes and kidnappings, and it should have been cut by about thirty minutes to keep the suspense up.
There's an ostensibly happy ending for the old lady and her daughter--well, about as happy as you can get with a story about a possessed Alzheimer's patient, and yes, that does feel very silly to write--but an extremely stupid and out of left field 'evil continues' ending is tacked on for a character we don't care about, since she's in the film for all of five minutes, tops.
I found it more effective as a horror film when it was dealing with Deborah as a victim of Alzheimer's and not Deborah as a possessed snake lady. The woman who plays Deborah should get some kind of reward for wasting her time in this, as she turns in a decent performance.
Mileage may vary, but I thought this was an absolutely terrible film, and the supernatural second half was boring as boring can be.
The Sacrament (2013)
Terrible movie filled with missteps; you want to know about
Jonestown? Wiki it. Just reading about it is about a hundred times more disturbing than this film.
First things first. Adding the VICE imprimatur made this all the more unrealistic; do you mean to tell me that VICE, who introduced me to General Butt Naked, is not going to have any knowledge whatsoever of a creepy reverend operating out of some unnamed backwater? Or that they're not going to do any research before they go where they're going? Stupid.
AJ Bowen is a good actor when he's doing homages to eighties horror or even playing an asshole; he doesn't have the weight needed to pull his role off. I had problems with all the actors. The guy playing Jim Jones--why bother pretending this isn't what's going on in this movie--was decent with the 'material' he had, I suppose.
The speeches Father gave were neither chilling nor all that informative. There's no real slow burn here either, which is what Ti West is known for. One second everything is cool, the next it's shot to hell. If you read any book about Jonestown or watch the many documentaries which exist, you'll see how the People's Temple did start out as a fairly benevolent organization, one which existed for many years before Jones finally lost it. That 'fairly benevolent aspect' is why Jones was able to draw so many in.
Aside from this being a movie about Jonestown from start to finish, there's a lot more we see in the film that's a pastiche of things which have actually occurred. I didn't like the Budd Dwyer call out at the end that "Father" performs, or sister Caroline pulling a 'Buddhist monk immolates self in a protest against treatment by the Vietnamese'. The sudden pull of the gun and the manner in which Father bleeds out is exactly the same as Budd's suicide, Caroline's ghoulish dance is a fair bit different, but if you have the references, the movie just feels like a ripoff of things which already happened and in all cases are far more horrifying than this film.
Most people have heard the Jonestown tapes, and unless you're living under a rock, you've seen pictures of the aftermath. This movie did nothing to otherwise illuminate the story of what happened there, so why make it? Just make a Jonestown film instead. You know you're in bad shape when a thirty year old TV mini-series starring Powers Boothe is a better representation than the four million dollar movie you just made.
In closing, I thought the inter-titles telling us that "167 people died in the massacre at Eden Parish" and "It was one of the largest mass suicides in recorded history" were in stupidly poor taste.
You see, in contrast, 913 people died at Jonestown. That was the largest mass suicide/murder in recorded history. This movie is for a generation who can't be bothered to look at the past--much like the eerily prophetic sign which hung over Jones's chair.
Oh, you don't know about that either? The internet, she is your friend.
Bad Behavior (2013)
Boring and a waste of time.
Babysitter comes to neighborhood house to do an overnight job, one of the kids is a paranoid schizophrenic, he keeps everyone locked in the bathroom for nearly the entire run time of the film. When the parents get home, we discover (it wasn't a surprise) that they're willing to go to any length to protect their kid and keep the babysitter locked up in the bathroom.
1. This is a busy suburban neighborhood. No one knows that there's a violent paranoid schizophrenic living in the house? Even after he cut his own brother's ear off?
2. The bathroom the babysitter and the two other kids are trapped in has a big fat skylight. Someone get on someone else's shoulders, bust the window, and leave.
3. The babysitter's parents don't start nosing around after their kid has disappeared? No cops get sent to the place where she was last seen?
4. The schizophrenic (a very stupid, poorly written version of a schizophrenic, anyhow) is shown to care for his little sister early on in the film. When they make an attempt to break out, she lags behind to grab a fake cell phone so the babysitter runs back to grab her and is caught again by the baddie. Why not leave and get help? Let's see: kid possibly gets hurt vs. going and getting definitive help. Yeah, screw the cops. So we can sit in the bathroom with the do nothing trio for an hour and fifteen minutes.
Poorly written and horribly paced, with lame hints dropped throughout to show you that the family is not all there, this was genuinely one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I like how most of the glowing reviews for this were all written on the same day by people who've never reviewed anything else here.
Avoid this like the plague and don't waste your time. It could have been rated G, it was so tame. Kids see worse on the SVU marathons they run on USA network every day of the week.
A Teacher (2013)
Awful, pointless film.
As a character study, it doesn't work, since we never learn anything about the two leads other than that they want to have sex with each other.
I don't understand the teacher's motivations for anything. Her sudden turn from rightly concerned that this will get out to insanely needy and obsessed? Don't get it, don't care much about it.
The boy is similarly a cipher. He sleeps with his teacher until she starts acting like a lunatic and then gets his dad and the school involved.
At an hour and 15 minutes it's hard to get any character development, let alone a plot, so saying that what this film wants to be is a great character study is missing the mark completely.
All I could think about was what a huge controversy this would have been if the roles were reversed. Male teacher, female student? Everyone would be up in arms talking about how horrifically the student had been abused.
I wished we could gotten a title crawl about how long this 'teacher' ended up in jail for, but no such luck.
Room 237 (2012)
Sounded like a good idea at the time
Concocting far-fetched theories about 'what it all means' when it comes to films I love is a fun way to spend an afternoon. This means that Room 237 should have been right up my street, but god, are these people bores.
I love the woman who thinks she's discovered some hidden meaning in the fact that Kubrick intentionally made the layout of the Overlook have an impossible geometry. This is film school 101 noise, hell, it's 'average joe film viewer 101' noise. Yes, the way the Overlook is laid out is physically impossible. We called that 'unheimlich' in film school, and it's a very obvious trick (once you've seen the film a few times) that gives credence to a viewer's feeling that there's something not quite right about the place. Impossible geometries flip people out. They're creepy and fun. The inside of the Overlook echoes the maze outside, it echoes Jack's breakdown, it's very simple symbolism. As for the minotaur? I think she read House of Leaves too many times and let's leave it at that.
The guy who seems to think the film is a metaphor for demons sexually abusing the Torrances creeped me out the most, I think. Dude, you are a walking Rorschach blot. Was he the same guy who giggled overmuch and said 'like' and 'you know' all the time? An excellent public speaker, that one. How is Wendy completely, totally, one hundred percent linked to the twin girls again? There was a lot of giggling and 'you know'ing, so that explanation never really went anywhere solid. Sort of like this film.
A lot of the dialogue used to support the both the moon landing and Native American theories are straight from the book, so I guess that was just a nice coincidence for Stanley? Apparently Stephen King knew about Stanley's dilemma and placed those lines in the book so he could use them. Could be. They both have the same initials (SK) which I'm sure also means something that I don't care about.
As for the key in the door which only spells out 'room' and 'moon'? It also spells out 'moor'. And 'moron'. But that's neither here nor there, I guess. When trying to cobble together shitty theories you have to toss what doesn't fit, am I right? It would have been a good idea to let us see the people attached to the crackpot notions, and also to separate the ideas themselves a bit more. After a while I felt like I was listening to one long ramble from the same loon (which may have been the intent) but it was ultimately a tiresome hour and change.
I did, however, go and watch Lamberto Bava's Demoni directly afterward, (scenes from which they kept using as filler footage) so it wasn't a total loss.
100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)
why do I bother with Asylum movies?
Minor quibbles: Richard Speck didn't rape and kill the student nurses in a hospital, he raped and killed them at their apartment. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. The Asylum have a habit of altering history in their other films when the truth would work just as well--their Amityville film and the Anneliese Michel picture are both good examples of this, though at least the Amityville film is so bad that it crosses the line from suck into awesome.
As an aside; for whatever reason I get offended when the stories they choose to tell are about real people. Just write your lousy dung about characters that you bothered to make up using your imagination. Impossible I know, since they have none. Or write your story with this in mind and then change the names to protect the innocent or whatever. File off the serial numbers. If I were a member of the families of the murdered girls, this movie would work my nerves even more than it already does. Same thing with the Anneliese Michel movie. Instead of scaring me, all I could feel was annoyance that they couldn't let this poor person rest in peace. Richard Speck was a piece of garbage, why do I have to watch a movie where his ghost rapes some chick? How sanctimonious of me, I know.
On to the review. Not much to say, to be honest. The movie is boring. Nothing good to say about it at all. Kills are ripped off from better films like REC and we even get a low-budget Entity callback. If you want a fun found footage film done on the cheap, go watch Grave Encounters, which is also a piece of crap but does have a sort of interesting premise.
Mostly, the Asylum pisses me off because they actually make money on these awful films. However, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm totally envious of them for that very reason, so there you go. They suck, this movie is awful, they make money, I am jealous. The end.
The Encounter: Paradise Lost (2012)
I'm obsessed with
Christian films. They're so wretched that they've become a guilty pleasure for me, which is why this gets a ten. I have this awful tendency to hand out tens to movies which are so bad they cross the line into total awesome. It's a problem and I should try to stop, but I'm not there just yet.
Over time and many, many terrible, pretentious films, I've learned that David A.R. White is the cream of the crop when it comes to the bizarro world of Xtian filmmaking. He also bears an uncanny resemblance to a very good friend of mine, but why should you care about that? I know you don't, I'm rambling. Anyhow.
I saw the first 'Encounter' when digging through instantwatcher's Faith and Spirituality section looking for documentaries and soon after that I was hunting down these things like a junkie looks for a fix.
The sanctimony drips from the screen, the awful dialogue sometimes ripped directly from the Bible so as not to offend the faithful, the preachy nonsense--all of that's on display here. It's sort of like watching a Jack Chick tract come to life, and in my opinion there's absolutely nothing bad about that. All these films lack are cartoon devils yelling HAW HAW HAW at the folks unlucky enough to burn in never ending hellfire.
If you want to watch something so terrible that it might make you giggle, check out the wild and wooly world of Xtian film. Watch this movie! It's exciting, it's ridiculous, it MIGHT EVEN SAVE YOUR SOUL.
But watch out for the characters named Deville! And no, I'm not making that up.
Entrance (2012)
I don't even know what to say.
There are a lot of shills on this board giving this high marks. That's one thing I can say. Are you all friends and family of the filmmakers?
To those of you discussing the masterful composition of shots: where? Shots go on for far too long to get them up to feature length, everything could and should have been trimmed drastically on both the head and tail ends.
This is essentially a student film. I say this, having been a film student myself and able to recognize the repetition, non-existent pacing and lack of plot that passes for a senior year project. The fact that it took four people to write this is shameful; I wouldn't have advertised the fact that even with four 'writers' working on this there's essentially nothing happening at all.
The lead is not a very good actress, she's not compelling to watch and her line delivery is pretty bad. There's a bit cribbed from Fatal Attraction where the lead switches a bedside lamp on and off post empty sexual encounter to symbolize her alienation, my response to this was a resounding 'who cares?'
Shot in and around Silverlake and Los Feliz, the only fun to be had is spotting your local landmarks. I'm sure there were lots of excited story discussions in just the right tone of voice so that the other diners knew they were making a film over glasses of red wine at--hmm. I'll take a guess and say it was at Alcove on Hillhurst, though Intelligentsia probably got hit hard too.
The 'shocking' ending doesn't make it any good, so don't count on it saving the day. It was probably conceived of as a short and should have stayed that way.
How do you rebar two people together? Another rip, this time from a Friday the 13th film, by the way, though I can't remember which one. And I don't know too many hipsters who keep an axe in or around their houses, either. Maybe the killer brought it with him to the party in the back of his Prius. Laughably bad.
P.S. It's a blue heeler, not a blue 'healer'. Did you want me to think your protagonist was stupid as well as utterly boring?
The Oregonian (2011)
ten lines, huh?
1. This is not a movie, it is art school 101 junk. 2. Please don't disrespect David Lynch by comparing this waste of time to anything he's done. 3. The 'actors' in this are very bad and should be ashamed of their performances. 4. Why do these awful directors even make movies? Where do they get their funding? Are they just maxing out their credit cards or asking mommy and daddy to refinance the mortgage? 5. The lighting is quite scheisse. The DP did a bad job. 6. The 'scary' old lady is not scary, even when she tries to be. 7. Ditto for the guy in the frog outfit or whatever the hell it is. 8. Flash frames are not visually interesting. 9. Neither are people on their hands and knees spitting up black goo. 10. Not even many cases of beer or other illicit substances will make this utter pretension worth your time. Avoid it like the plague.
The Amityville Haunting (2011)
Totally 'Extream'!!!
Spoilers for awesome.
This movie is, quite frankly, one of the worst pieces of crap you will ever see. With the caveat that the Asylum is somehow making bank off said crap films. They generally make their money back off a given 'feature' in about two months, which is a pretty sweet turnaround. I'm not sure what this says about the future of quality film, but I don't think the guys at Asylum give two *beeps* about quality, so yeah.
There was clearly (I hope) a lot of pressure put on the actors to improv their scenes but apparently the actors have no background in improv, so you are forced to agonize through scenes where everyone repeats themselves endlessly because they just don't know what else to do. And yells. And talks about how scared they are.
The kid/documentarian is hands down the worst actor I've ever seen. Stop now, kid actor. I don't know who you are and frankly I don't care, but a future in film is not for you. Annoyingly without any ability to emote whatsoever, you'll be pleased as punch to see him buy the farm. Even though you're cheated out of said scene.
The mom and both sisters are forgettable. They screech a lot. I don't know what else to tell you.
The dad has delusions of being a real actor in a real movie. Dude, my hat is off to you. Were you trying to play your scenes as 'ex-military dude' or 'ex-military dude with over the top PTSD'? Your tour-de-force in the living room where you ranted and screamed and crawled on the floor as if you were in the trenches--massive, sir. Simply massive performance. Why did you take so long to die? Your ranting was both hilarious and douche-worthy. I doff my cap to you, good sir.
Questions: Why did no one care about the serious as cancer military friend of dad's who got iced by the wire in the backyard? Who is the little boy ghost? Why doesn't the house have a boat slip like it's supposed to? Man, this family got the low-rent version of Amityville. No boat slip? I would have been RAGING.
Finally, when you can't even be bothered to spellcheck your idiot coroner's reports at the close and I am forced to read about the 'extream' trauma suffered by the entire dead family, you bet your ass I will write you a *beep* review on IMDb.
TEN STAR MOVIE MAKING, PEOPLE. TEN STAR.
Spork (2010)
Napoleon Dynamite rip off for the tween set
I find these glowing and frankly quite obvious shill reviews for this absolute disaster of a film to be somewhat annoying and also telling; it's 2012 and clearly this movie sank like a stone (deservedly) with only the most bored of cineastes bothering to give it a try at three in the morning on streaming Netflix.
Spork is a terrible, stupid movie which supposes that its audience has forgotten about or never seen Napoleon Dynamite. I'm not a huge fan of Dynamite, but there is at least a sweetness inherent in the absurd material that makes you smile and definitely produces a few genuine laughs from time to time. Spork is lacking in even that, and is populated with unpleasant, slutty kids acting like...unpleasant, slutty kids? Who dance like sluts at the dance-off? And then it ends? No humor to speak of, and definitely not worth your time, even if you do happen to be bored to tears.
Avoid at all costs. Absolute crap.