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dlarsen74
Reviews
Lady Macbeth (2016)
Artsy Shartsy
Spoilers start here. I'm trying to save you 90 minutes of your life.
Woman is sold into indentured marriage with a loserly rich drunk who has another family. Loser goes to see his other family. Loser's dad leaves too, wife is alone with servants.
Wife walks in on group of servants gang-raping her maid servant. Makes them let her go. Makes a point of being mean to servant after "saving" her.
Later, leader of gang-rape comes to rape wife. They "fall in love". Husband's dad comes back, knows about the affair, beats the raper. Wife poisons the dad, he dies.
Wife and raper pretend they are lords of the manor. Husband comes back. They murder him and his horse.
Illegitimate child shows up with papers of ownership. Oh boy we're gonna have to murder the kid now. Wife and raper can do all the murders and all the noise never wakes any suspicion.
Raper gets a conscience and confesses. Wife throws rape-victim servant under the bus with raper. They go to the gallows.
The end.
Three stars because it's shot somewhat well and the acting isn't terrible.
None of this makes any sense as it happens. There's no buildup or character development, no motivations, no explanation of wifey's transition from scared girl to serial (and child) murderer.
Save your time. Watch something that was made before 2015 when Netflix et al began ruining expectations for all movies and shows.
Unknown: Cave of Bones (2023)
Drama-mentary jumps the shark
This is a dramatic presentation of some pet theories that people have seemingly arrived at in a very unscientific way. I don't want to demean the intelligence of the archaeologists involved, but it appears they have jumped the shark just to make a documentary netflix could play to take advantage of the romantic Indiana-Jones-style archaeological fantasy.
10 minutes in and there are already so many unfounded assumptions and fantastical ideas that jump across large pits of logic.
There are many better possible explanations for how this site got to its current state, and that's just obvious to anyone who has spent any time in caves or canyons. Yet, they're going with the explanation that is 99.999999% implausible because it harkens to some possibility of some humanoid species having religious beliefs 250,000 years ago? FFS.
2 stars because I think archaeology is cool regardless of how they try to f it up here.
The Man from Toronto (2022)
I Should Have Known
I am a big fan of Woody Harrelson, and I like A good portion of Kevin Hart's comedy. But I went into this with very low expectations, because, well...Netflix Original
These movies keep coming, and 99/100 are different versions of the same garbage. Terrible plot, awful writing, awkwardly bad script, hot-glued together with a handful of A and B-list actors who lend credibility for viewers to give it a shot. Just to be insulted again by unwatchable content.
I made it 38 minutes into this, having paused it out of embarrassment several times. Kept giving it another shot just in case it redeemed itself in some small way. Nope, just got worse. I can at least be happy I quit before I wasted a whole 112 minutes.
Adrift (2018)
A Strong True Story, Well Told
Wait until after watching the movie, to read the true story.
There are many ways to tell a true story, and this is one of the best examples I've ever seen. They didn't change facts or characters, no needless fake drama thrown in for shock value.
There are only a couple small things that kept this from being a ten. Acting, writing, cinematography, stunts and (cgi? - hard to tell) we're all great.
Use of flashbacks and timing add depth, suspense, and surprise, without sacrificing the story.
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Surprisingly Bad
Hard to screw this one up, but they managed.
Terrible script, weak plot, unbelievable unsympathetic characters.
Not quite sure why I watched it all the way through, but that was a waste of time.
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)
Insultingly Terrible, Like Nails on a Chalkboard
I don't mind turning my brain off and watching a decent action flick with some cheesy slapstick and punny dialogue. I enjoy quite a few of those.
This movie is not that. It's hard to describe what it is actually. Beyond just really, really bad. I couldn't watch the whole thing.
What this movie doesn't have:
Passable dialogue
A hint of a plot
Acting
Decent script
C+ Action
What it does have:
-20 cliches per minute. I am not exaggerating.
-Unintelligible dialogue
-Lots of yelling and screaming for no reason
-The most unfunny one-liners you can think of for any situation
-Ridiculous F- action sequences.
De slag om de Schelde (2020)
7.5 is a little high
Not bad, but not great. The cinematography is good. Acting and writing are decent.
I think the part for me that makes this hard to watch, is that the Canadians weren't particularly sharp and just sent their men to be slaughtered.
There are some other moments, which I believe to be fictional, wherein some British soldiers do a number of things that make absolutely zero sense.
Army of One (2020)
Stopped After 12 Minutes
Absolute garbage. Bad acting, bad camera work, ridiculous script.
Pair trespasses into someone's house out in the country.
Um, ya, you're gonna get shot.
The Master (2012)
Joaquin Phoenix Does Crazy Well
That's about it. It's like he was practicing for his role in the Joker before he was casted. Great acting, portraying a man falling off the edge of sanity. Unfortunately it's in a movie with very little plot, If any, and I can't even feel bad for his character's condition, since it seems fully earned.
Lo imposible (2012)
They Couldn't Have Made A Worse Movie on This Topic
It's so bad I have to use bullet points, or else I would write a book here.
-zero character development.
-completely worthless dialogue in brief "character development" opening
-nauseating swinging shaking camera, and not in a way that ever makes any sense.
-terrible decision making by all characters in all instances except one child early in the film.
-complete lack of depth
-managed to make the after effects a tsunami that ruined or killed a million lives, seem like a...non-event.
-unrealistic in every way
-boring. Yes. They managed to take a story about insane tragedy, heroism, human spirit, and remove all that...to make it boring.
-just a story about a separated family. They could have been in a mall on a calm day, and told a more interesting story.
-completely ignores any actual tragedy, in the early moments and days of an event that was catastrophically tragic
WTF-ing F. Terrible.
Den of Thieves (2018)
Try hard with a vengeance
Overacting galore. Plot holes for days. Last twenty minutes is so far from plausible it's impossible to enjoy.
Too bad, could have been a decent movie.
Sex Education (2019)
Nothing good about it
I started watching this because of the high ratings and reviews.
I don't know what show those people were watching, but it wasn't this one. This show is terrible. I can only conclude the positive reviews are fake, which is all too common these days.
Everything, from the characters to the dialogue, is a forced trope, and there's nothing funny or interesting about it.
I forced myself to give it some time to get good, but that never happened. Wish I had that time back.
My Favorite Shapes by Julio Torres (2019)
I tried really hard to give this a chance
This is not "subtle humor." It's just not funny. It's the unfunny equivalent of a toddler talking about each toy in his collection. But much less amusing.