Cinema Hell
- the horror...
I don't mention the merely forgettable, because I have forgotten it. That's not so-bad-it's-good, but where the smile literally freezes on your face and sends shockwaves. And add practically everything "remake" (or most "sequels".) And practically all "superheroes" and most "slashers". Ah, darn, everything after the 70s. They don't make 'em like they used to. (I also don't understand the whole southkorean cinema.)
There's also a handful of very brutal pictures, I simply will not watch, but they would in all likelihood end up here.
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43 titles
- DirectorBrian Trenchard-SmithStarsTimothy BottomsJohn CunninghamDavid FontenoThis is the story of the days directly after 9/11, and the president's whereabouts.
- imagine the perfect object.
(get familiar with the work of the director and you might come ...to a... completely...new ...understanding.) - DirectorTony ScottStarsTom CruiseTim RobbinsKelly McGillisAs students at the United States Navy's elite fighter weapons school compete to be best in the class, one daring young pilot learns a few things from a civilian instructor that are not taught in the classroom.
- damn near unwatchable. Oh so wrong on oh so many levels. If you get allergic reactions after the 5th shower scene (or whatever war this might be?), watch decent left-winger fantasies like Milius' "Red Dawn", Siegel's "Dirty Harry" or "Starship Troopers" instead. They were in-on-the-joke all along. This was never meant to be taken serious.
- DirectorJames WatkinsStarsKelly ReillyMichael FassbenderTara EllisRefusing to let anything spoil their romantic weekend break, a young couple confront a gang of loutish youths with terrifyingly brutal consequences.
- unnecessary.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBruce WillisBilly Bob ThorntonBen AffleckAfter discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas will impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet.
- the only movie I ever walked out of the cinema.
- DirectorRenny HarlinStarsHolly GossMatt StokoeLuke AlbrightA group of students go to the location of the infamous Dyatlov pass incident to make a documentary, but things take a turn for the worse as the secret of what happened there is revealed.
- positively insulting.
- DirectorStephen DaldryStarsThomas HornTom HanksSandra BullockA nine-year-old amateur inventor, Francophile, and pacifist searches New York City for the lock that matches a mysterious key left behind by his father, who died in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.
- horrible.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordCate BlanchettShia LaBeoufIndiana Jones becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.
- awful.
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsWill SmithBill PullmanJeff GoldblumThe aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy Earth. Fighting superior technology, mankind's best weapon is the will to survive.
- horrid.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsSam NeillLaura DernJeff GoldblumA pragmatic paleontologist touring an almost complete theme park on an island in Central America is tasked with protecting a couple of kids after a power failure causes the park's cloned dinosaurs to run loose.
- painful. Yeah ok, it did some good to the cause of the dinosaurs.
- DirectorJason EisenerStarsRutger HauerPasha EbrahimiRobb WellsA homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun.
- disappointing.
- DirectorFrancis Ford CoppolaStarsWilliam CampbellLuana AndersBart PattonA scheming widow hatches a bold plan to acquire her late husband's inheritance, unaware that she is being targeted by an ax murderer who lurks in the family's estate.
- mindnumbingly boring and utterly incomprehensible.
- DirectorAlexandre BustilloJulien MauryStarsAlysson ParadisJean-Baptiste TabourinClaude LuléFour months after the death of her husband, a woman on the brink of motherhood is tormented in her home by a strange woman who wants her unborn baby.
- no. just 'no'.
- DirectorIrvin KershnerStarsMark HamillHarrison FordCarrie FisherAfter the Rebel Alliance are overpowered by the Empire, Luke Skywalker begins his Jedi training with Yoda, while his friends are pursued across the galaxy by Darth Vader and bounty hunter Boba Fett.
- godawful.
- DirectorPeter JacksonStarsNaomi WattsJack BlackAdrien BrodyA greedy film producer assembles a team of moviemakers and sets out for the infamous Skull Island, where they find more than just cannibalistic natives.
- I won't watch a big hairy CGI ape running through the jungle for 45 minutes. I simply won't.
- DirectorJames CameronStarsSam WorthingtonZoe SaldanaSigourney WeaverA paraplegic Marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home.
- I'd rather not. After 40 minutes I've had enough.
- DirectorMike BarkerStarsPierce BrosnanMaria BelloGerard ButlerA perfect family's dynamic is ruined by a kidnapper's brutally efficient plot.
- this one was pretty bad. Some vanity project.
- DirectorPanos CosmatosStarsEva BourneMichael J RogersScott HylandsDespite being under heavy sedation, a young woman tries to make her way out of the Arboria Institute, a secluded, quasifuturistic commune.
- count me out.
- DirectorDaniel BarberStarsMichael CaineEmily MortimerDavid BradleyAn elderly ex-serviceman and widower looks to avenge his best friend's murder by doling out his own form of justice.
- waste of talent. BFI/National Lottery likes to paint their country as a hellhole.
- DirectorJamie PayneStarsDavid MorrisseyAlex LoweTara FitzgeraldA doctor and his girlfriend are stalked by a woman who claims to be in love with him. Meanwhile, the man falls in love with a younger woman. Based on a true story.
- makes u wonder what's wrong with society.
- DirectorAndrzej ZulawskiStarsIsabelle AdjaniSam NeillMargit CarstensenA woman starts exhibiting increasingly disturbing behavior after asking her husband for a divorce. Suspicions of infidelity soon give way to something much more sinister.
- overrated, and a case for the looney bin.
- DirectorOrson WellesStarsAnthony PerkinsArnoldo FoàJess HahnAn unassuming office worker is arrested and stands trial, but he is never made aware of his charges.
- tonally all wrong. Welles and Kafka is a match made in hell.
- DirectorFranklin J. SchaffnerStarsGregory PeckLaurence OlivierJames MasonA Nazi hunter in Paraguay discovers a sinister and bizarre plot to rekindle the Third Reich.* awesome in its awfulness.
- DirectorJon FavreauStarsRobert Downey Jr.Gwyneth PaltrowTerrence HowardAfter being held captive in an Afghan cave, billionaire engineer Tony Stark creates a unique weaponized suit of armor to fight evil.
- terrible.
- DirectorPhillip NoyceStarsBrenton ThwaitesJeff BridgesMeryl StreepIn a seemingly perfect community without war, pain, suffering, differences or choices, a young boy is chosen to learn from an elderly man, the true pain and pleasure of the "real" world.
- not good.
- DirectorMarc ForsterStarsBrad PittMireille EnosDaniella KerteszFormer United Nations employee Gerry Lane traverses the world in a race against time to stop a zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments and threatens to destroy humanity itself.
- average blockbuster hell.
- DirectorWes CravenStarsRachel McAdamsCillian MurphyBrian CoxA woman is kidnapped by a stranger on a routine flight. Threatened by the potential murder of her father, she is pulled into a plot to assist her captor in a political assassination.
- DirectorRuben FleischerStarsJesse EisenbergEmma StoneWoody HarrelsonA shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting bruiser in search of the last Twinkie and a pair of sisters striving to get to an amusement park join forces in a trek across a zombie-filled America.
- DirectorAlbert HughesAllen HughesStarsDenzel WashingtonMila KunisRay StevensonA drifter fights his way across a ravaged, post-apocalyptic America while protecting a sacred book that holds the secrets to humanity's salvation.
- DirectorJaume BalagueróPaco PlazaStarsManuela VelascoFerran TerrazaJorge-Yamam SerranoA television reporter and cameraman follow emergency workers into a dark apartment building and are quickly locked inside with something terrifying.
- DirectorAntoine FuquaStarsGerard ButlerAaron EckhartMorgan FreemanSecret Service agent Mike Banning finds himself trapped inside the White House in the wake of a terrorist attack and works with national security to rescue the President from his kidnappers.
- DirectorNeil MarshallStarsShauna MacdonaldNatalie MendozaAlex ReidA caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators.
- DirectorLen WisemanStarsKate BeckinsaleScott SpeedmanShane BrollySelene, a vampire warrior, is entrenched in a conflict between vampires and werewolves, while falling in love with Michael, a human who is sought by werewolves for unknown reasons.
- DirectorCraig GillespieStarsAnton YelchinColin FarrellDavid Tennant"Fright Night" - A new neighbor moves in next to Charley, who discovers that he is an ancient vampire who preys on the community. Can he save his neighborhood from the creature with the help of the famous "vampire killer", Peter Vincent?
- how could you.
- DirectorMartin CampbellStarsDaniel CraigEva GreenJudi DenchAfter earning a licence to kill, secret agent James Bond sets out on his first mission as 007. Bond must defeat a private banker funding terrorists in a high-stakes game of poker at Casino Royale, in Montenegro.
- horrible. (and all Bonds after Dr. No). And it gets worse from there.
- DirectorDavid FincherStarsSigourney WeaverCharles S. DuttonCharles DanceReturning from LV-426, Ellen Ripley crash-lands on the maximum-security prison Fiorina 161, where she discovers that she has unwittingly brought along an unwelcome visitor.
- I mean you can feel SOME love for Alien 3, but still it's an encyclopedia of all what's wrong with modern cinema. And it gets worse from there.
- DirectorBrian YuznaStarsBilly WarlockConcetta D'AgneseBen SlackAn ordinary teenage boy discovers his family is part of a gruesome orgy cult for the social elite.
- can't really recommend it. Rather a one-note joke.
- DirectorTom ShadyacStarsJim CarreyMaura TierneyAmanda DonohoeA pathological liar-lawyer finds his career turned upside down when he inexplicably cannot physically lie for 24 whole hours.
- catastrophic.
- DirectorBarry LevinsonStarsWill RogersKristen ConnollyKether DonohueChaos breaks out in a small Maryland town after an ecological disaster occurs.
- how the mighty have fallen.
- DirectorDarren AronofskyStarsHugh JackmanRachel WeiszSean Patrick ThomasAs a modern-day scientist, Tommy is struggling with mortality, desperately searching for the medical breakthrough that will save the life of his cancer-stricken wife, Izzi.
- could possibly be decyphered, and is most certainly not worth it.
- DirectorTerrence MalickStarsBrad PittSean PennJessica ChastainThe story of a family in Waco, Texas in 1956. The eldest son witnesses the loss of innocence and struggles with his parents' conflicting teachings.* how about... NO?! You lost me there.
- DirectorShin'ya TsukamotoStarsTomorô TaguchiKei FujiwaraNobu KanaokaA businessman accidentally kills The Metal Fetishist, who gets his revenge by slowly turning the man into a grotesque hybrid of flesh and rusty metal.
- not my cup of tea. Japanese madness in all its glory.
- DirectorJ.J. AbramsStarsChris PineZachary QuintoSimon PeggThe brash James T. Kirk tries to live up to his father's legacy with Mr. Spock keeping him in check as a vengeful Romulan from the future creates black holes to destroy the Federation one planet at a time.
- a disgrace to all what's good and holy.
- DirectorAndy MuschiettiStarsBill SkarsgårdJaeden MartellFinn WolfhardIn the summer of 1989, a group of bullied kids band together to destroy a shape-shifting monster, which disguises itself as a clown and preys on the children of Derry, their small Maine town.
- an overwhelming dread of please-make-it stop overcame me. Around minute 10.