The Bottom Of The Barrel
Originally these were movies that I found morally repugnant, but eventually it just morphed into movies that were merely painful to sit through or think about.
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- DirectorUlli LommelStarsSuzanna LoveJohn CarradineRon JamesThrough the reflection in the mirror, a girl witnesses her mother's boyfriend's murder.Absolutely disgusting waste of time, film and electricity. Sleazy and limp. There are way better Italian horror flicks out there.
- DirectorFranc RoddamStarsBilly WirthKevin DillonTim SampsonA group of re-enactors attempt to stage a hundred year anniversary battle between US Cavalry and Blackfeet Indians. Unfortunately racial hostilities and a real gun lead to some all too real casualties, and three young Blackfoot men are caught in the middle. The film follows their flight for freedom in the face of an angry community which has mistakenly blamed them for the violence.Attempts a blaxploitation anger, but merely becomes obvious, lewd and dull. The ending is supposed to be a last stand, but comes off as a Darwin Award via idiots taking something way too far. You know you're in trouble when the Rambo rip off turkeys Thunder Warrior 1-3 is better than this.
- DirectorJosh BeckerStarsBrian SchulzRobert RickmanJohn ManfrediJack Stryker took two bullets in the leg in Vietnam and was carried back by one of his men. When he returns he tries to live a peaceful life in his cabin and resume dating his girlfriend, Sally. Meanwhile, a vicious cult let by Sam Raimi, who believes he is Jesus Christ, has been slaughtering people and doing blood sacrifices. When Stryker finds Sally gone, and her grandfather, Otis, used as a human dartboard, Stryker brings together his army buddies, gives them a stash of guns from under his bed, destroy an outhouse, and create a war zone not unlike Vietnam to destroy the evil cult.The only thing worse than an offensive exploitation movie, is exploitation that tries to be offensive and merely has you rolling your eyes.
- DirectorDan GoldenStarsMaria FordRick DeanLance AugustWhen a blind vagrant enters nightclub Zipper's Clown Palace for a last call drink, pleasure turns to panic as he pulls a gun and holds exotic dancer Christina hostage. What follows is a deadly confrontation between madness and sanity.Mean spirited and ugly exploitation that wastes Maria Ford and turns her nude scenes into something that feels dirty and unsavory.
- DirectorLloyd KaufmanStarsDavid MatteyClyde LewisHeidi SjursenThe Toxic Avenger must defend his friends from his own evil alternate universe doppelgänger, The Noxious Offender.A completely unfunny gross out comedy that has none of the charm of parts 1 and 2, and mainly just is gross out poop, sex and urine drinking gags, all poorly directed.
- DirectorJacques DorfmannStarsChristopher LambertKlaus Maria BrandauerMax von SydowAn entire nation's destiny lies in the hands of one man.Christopher Lambert in his worst movie to date. Seriously, not even The Sicilian,Adrenalin:Fear The Rush and Highlander 2 is this hideous. Also, could be one of the most boring films ever made.
- DirectorPeter GeorgeStarsGail NeelyRobert HardenBarry BrennerWhen the son of a gun-wielding woman is murdered by neo-Nazi surf punks in the post-apocalyptic future, his Mama hunts them down for some bloodthirsty revenge.It took me multiple sittings through this, and really it wasn't worth the effort. Utterly painful.
- DirectorEli RothStarsJay HernandezDerek RichardsonEythor GudjonssonThree backpackers head to a Slovak city that promises to meet their hedonistic expectations, with no idea of the hell that awaits them.Unfortunately people bumping uglies for 45 minutes, and then non-stop torture in the latter half is not the makings of a good horror film. Sleep inducing at times.
- DirectorMeir ZarchiStarsCamille KeatonEron TaborRichard PaceAn aspiring writer is repeatedly assaulted, humiliated, and left for dead by four men she systematically hunts down to seek revenge.Just like 70 minutes of unpleasant rape and viscous retribution for 30 minutes is not good horror, good revenge or especially empowerment. Badly made with an emphasis on humiliation.
- DirectorAlan MetterStarsG.W. BaileyGeorge GaynesMichael WinslowThe Russian government hires the veterans of the Police Academy (1984) to help deal with the Mafia.Maybe in an alternative universe this can make people laugh, but even then, I doubt it.
- DirectorJoseph ZitoStarsGary DanielsMike NorrisBentley MitchumAn elite commando unit must rescue a captured peacekeeping force from a ruthless international arms dealer.Dreadful Rambo rip off hijinks which somehow manages to be even more awful than latter day Seagal films, and by a large margin.
- DirectorAlbert PyunStarsRob LoweBurt ReynoldsMario Van PeeblesIn a crumbling Europe, powerful mafia families have emerged from the anarchy to vie for control of the lucrative arms trade.Incomprehensible Tarantino rip off, about an assassin doing some boring nonsense in some East European country. Easily the worst film Albert Pyun ever made, and I liked some of his movies.
- DirectorJames Glenn DudelsonStarsShannon LeeRobert VitelliMichael DornCriminal Gavin Matthews finds himself an unwilling recruit, who's identity and past has been erased by "The Corporation," a secret underground organization that acts as a rogue "Justice Department," righting the wrongs the courts cannot. Now, held with other "recruits" at The Corporation's training and reeducation facility, Matthews and the others will become useful and professional assassins...or they will be eliminated. As his training is completed, Matthews and his trainer discover The Corporation's true purpose and learn they are to be eliminated when their assignment is complete. Now they must execute their own form of justice before it's too late.The people behind this dud, need more lessons in filmmaking. Makes Laser Mission seem like Enter The Dragon.
- DirectorDarren DoaneStarsGary DanielsChristopher StapletonRyan KosDean Campbell is a high-powered attorney who returns home from work to find his family being held hostage by terrorists.Cool VHS cover art and absolutely painful movie going experience. The fights are poorly choreographed, the plot makes no sense and the plot is incomprehensible.
- DirectorJoe D'AmatoStarsMiles O'KeeffeSabrina SianiRitza BrownThe son of Torren learns of his heritage, goes to avenge the deaths of his fellow villagers, and rescue his sister from the evil Dakkar and his spider cult.Predates Game Of Thrones on the incest, and the spider effect at the end is laughable, unfortunately that is where all the unintentional laughs end. A complete ordeal to sit through otherwise.
- DirectorEthan CoenJoel CoenStarsJosh BrolinGeorge ClooneyAlden EhrenreichA Hollywood fixer in the 1950s works to keep the studio's stars in line.The ultimate Hollywood handjob that is supposedly satirical. Mindless, unfunny and really quite annoying.
- DirectorCirio H. SantiagoStarsGary WatkinsLaura BanksLynda WiesmeierIn a postapocalyptic future, a ruthless vehicular gang called the Highway Warriors is conquering the wasteland through murder and plunder. During a raid, they kidnap the sister of a road warrior named Trace. He brings hell down upon them.Post apocalyptic dreadfulness that seems to consist solely of naked women on the hood of cars in the hot sun. It's also pretty mean spirited and cheap looking. It's also extremely repetitive and uninspired.
- DirectorDamian LeeStarsJeff WincottSven-Ole ThorsenPhillip JarrettA master martial artist is kidnapped by a psychotic billionaire who runs a bizarre fighting ring, where combatants must either win or die. John Stoneman refuses to kill any man... until his wife's life is put on the line.Dreadful Canadian Bloodsport rip off that focuses not on the fights, but on the angle of the combatants being forced to participate and kill each other against their will. This ruins the fun factor, because since the fights are brutalizing, it's not kung fu, but rather a human cockfight and on that level, such is just depressing.
- DirectorGregory DarkStarsWings HauserAlex CordG. Gordon LiddyJohn Miller is an politician wanting to become mayor. He founds a group called S.Q.U.A.D. whose mission is to get rid of all street scum by any means necessary.Literally this one is just completely unwatchable. Even G. Gordon Liddy as the bad guy is merely a lame actor, so no unintentional comedy. As a movie itself, it's cheap, derivative and padded.
- DirectorDamien LeoneStarsLauren LaVeraDavid Howard ThorntonElliott FullamAfter being resurrected by a sinister entity, Art the Clown returns to the timid town of Miles County where he targets a teenage girl and her younger brother on Halloween night.More of a special effects compilation then a movie, what kills this movie most is its interminable run time. 2.5 hours is just too long for a slasher flick especially one so unambitious and predictable.
- DirectorPercival RubensStarsGary LockwoodCamilla SparvMorgan StevensIn a post-nuclear holocaust world, roving bands of motorcycle gangs attack ranchers to try to take over their land.It's one thing for post-apocalyptic trash movie to be silly, cheap and poorly written. It's another thing to be this excruciatingly dull. A complete zilch as far as action, suspense and (unintentional) humor go.
- DirectorAlbert BandCharles BandDanny DravenStarsBarbara CramptonTim ThomersonFrom Angel City to the desert - razor sharp claws, killer parasites, deadly websites, and world destruction prevail. Movie vignettes titled "Space Freaks," "Alien Classics," and "From Beyond."This is not even a movie, it's just a bunch of random clips put together from other movies. Even worse is that the clips are from movies that weren't very good to begin with, so what was the point?
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsJaden SmithDavid DenmanWill SmithA crash landing leaves Kitai Raige and his father Cypher stranded on Earth, a millennium after events forced humanity's escape. With Cypher injured, Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help.The worst film I've ever seen in a movie theater. Will Smith is glum, his son Jaden is annoying and the film is a total bore.
- DirectorRobert HammerStarsJames WestmorelandBen FrankFlo LawrenceA deeply disturbed Vietnam veteran terrorizes the young women of Los Angeles and taunts a radio psychologist with descriptions of his grisly crimes.Sick movie about a Vietnam vet with mommy issues who targets various women. One scene in particular has him targeting a woman who in a scene earlier detailed sexual abuse to her shrink. The rest of the film feels like a third rate Dragnet rip off. Maniac did it way better.
- DirectorGeorge MendelukStarsSally KellermanPatrick DempseyAl WaxmanThe ghost of a dead porn star comes to Earth to help a nerd with his sex life.The type of movie that makes one wonder if the people who wrote it had ever had sex, given how there is little that is relatable, and even less that is entertaining.
- DirectorCharles E. Sellier Jr.StarsLilyan ChauvinGilmer McCormickToni NeroLittle Billy witnesses his parents getting killed by Santa after being warned by his senile grandpa that Santa punishes those who are naughty. Now Billy is 18 and out of the orphanage, and he has just become Santa himself.A slasher flick which takes its sweet time to get started, while booking its time with endless flashbacks of the opening attack/murder scene,the abuse suffered at the hands of an evil nun and 'it's only a dream" sequences. Mean spirited obviously, but not very suspenseful or scary. The sequel is hilarious though.
- DirectorPeter BergStarsChristian SlaterDaniel SternCameron DiazA prostitute is killed during a bachelor party and the attendees turn on each other as the wedding approaches.Very Bad indeed.
- DirectorJohn C. BroderickStarsDavid CarradineLuke AskewMaría SocasA fearsome swordsman, Kain, crosses the barren wastelands and comes upon a town where two arch enemies fight incessantly for control of the town's only well.Yojimbo with David Carradine, a naked sorceress and yet not a single moment of entertainment.
- DirectorTobe HooperStarsRobert EnglundTed LevineDaniel MatmorA laundry-folding machine has been possessed by a demon, causing it to develop homicidal tendencies.Easily the worst of all Stephen King movie adaptations that makes Maximum Overdrive seem like a model of credibility and logic by comparison. Not even the cast can save this dud.
- DirectorRiley StearnsStarsJesse EisenbergAlessandro NivolaImogen PootsAfter being attacked on the street, a young man enlists at a local dojo, led by a charismatic and mysterious sensei, in an effort to learn how to defend himself from future threats.A complete missed opportunity to parody the bro culture in the martial arts arena merely becomes obvious, unfunny and wimpy.
- DirectorEric LouzilStarsBrick BronskyLisa GayeLeesa RowlandWhen school reporter Roger Smith meets a beautiful subhumanoid named Victoria, they fall in love but becomes determined to save her and the new school from a giant mutant squirrel, Tromie.Troma specializes in zany and stupid fare that is purposely over the top and tongue-in-cheek, here it's just tiresome and foolish.
- DirectorLarry ClarkStarsLeo FitzpatrickJustin PierceChloë SevignyA day in the life of a group of teens as they travel around New York City skating, drinking, smoking and deflowering virgins.Smug morality passion play that varies little from your average trashy talk show with Maury or Jerry Springer.
- DirectorKaare AndrewsAngela BettisHélène CattetStarsIngrid Bolsø BerdalIván GonzálezKyra ZagorskyA 26-chapter anthology that showcases death in all its vicious wonder and brutal beauty.Asinine shorts that are supposed to be funny or scary or satire but are merely dreadful across the board.
- DirectorShane BlackStarsBoyd HolbrookTrevante RhodesJacob TremblayWhen a young boy accidentally triggers the universe's most lethal hunters' return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled scientist can prevent the end of the human race.It wasn't enough to run the Predator movies into the ground with the uninspired retread of Predators, comes this idiotic nonsense about an autistic kid who figures out Alien technology. Even Jaws The Revenge is a better than this Part 4.
- DirectorMelvin Van PeeblesStarsMelvin Van PeeblesHubert ScalesJohn DullaghanAfter saving a Black Panther from some racist cops, a black male prostitute goes on the run from "the man" with the help of the ghetto community and some disillusioned Hells Angels.Just cause something is celebrated doesn't mean that it deserves to be. Completely unwatchable, amatuerishly made and poorly acted with an unlikable protagonist. Black Caesar, Shaft and Coffy are far better uses of your time.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsJürgen ProchnowMichael ParéPatrick MuldoonOn the last day of school, two bullied teenagers decide to take revenge on their tormentors.Badly made (seriously look at the camera work meant to simulate drug use of a character) over the top and exploitive film that is about as insightful as the Mondo Cane era and even on that level this film is botched.
- DirectorTed NicolaouStarsDiane FranklinMary WoronovGerrit Graham"TerrorVision" is a 1986 horror / science fiction movie; telling the tale of when a family's new satellite television system starts receiving signals from another planet, and soon it becomes the passageway to an alien world.A great idea botched by annoying characters, witless observations and a script that is too predictable and obvious. Even Stay Tuned was better than this, and that's saying something.
- DirectorBrett LeonardStarsAdrian PaulThekla ReutenCristian SolimenoDuncan MacLeod and his fellow Immortals quest to locate the Grail of their world.Almost deserves a 2/10 for doing the impossible, mainly making Highlander 2:The Quickening seem like a modern classic by comparison. Indeed at least that one had Sean Connery.
- DirectorPhillip RheeStarsPhillip RheeChristopher McDonaldGina GershonA martial arts instructor comes to the defense of a schoolteacher who has taken a stand against a local white supremacist organization.One of the most asinine ideas ever committed to film. Mainly an Afterschool special about racism mixed with kung fu, with tangents about post-traumatic stress about killing the bad guy in part 2. It doesn't work obviously, but the film is quite ugly at times.
- DirectorWalter HillStarsMichelle RodriguezTony ShalhoubAnthony LaPagliaAfter waking up and discovering that he has undergone gender reassignment surgery, an assassin seeks to find the doctor responsible.Walter Hill is a fantastic filmmaker whose films, I have purchased most on blu ray so I'm willing to just pretend this total debacle was done either for money or on a complete off year. Has none of the grit that Walter Hill is known for,the novelty of the plot wears out 15 minutes in and like I said we chalk this one up as Walter Hill's mulligan.
- DirectorLana WachowskiStarsKeanu ReevesCarrie-Anne MossYahya Abdul-Mateen IIReturn to a world of two realities: one, everyday life; the other, what lies behind it. To find out if his reality is a construct, to truly know himself, Mr. Anderson will have to choose to follow the white rabbit once more.If you really wanted to kill off your series off that badly, why not just hand the reigns over to Disney? Being meta and up your own butt doesn't constitute creativity. One of the all-time annoying experiences of cinema.
- DirectorArmand GazarianStarsJames PhillipsMichael M. FoleyDeborah ThompsonBlaine now a 'Freeedom fighter' is forced to rescue a man and kill an evil tyrant.This movie is a total disaster of course, but give it props it makes Albert Pyun's Nemesis sequels seem like The Road Warrior by comparison.
- DirectorTim KincaidStarsRick GianasiMary FaheyRon ReynaldiZ, a vicious genetic scientist, discovers a way to alter harmless humanoid androids called 'Cyborgs' into becoming killing machines, which he plans to use for his own gain.This may not be the worst movie ever made, but it's definitely the worst directed film I've ever seen. Not even some reasonable special effects can save this post apocalypse bore.
- DirectorFrancis TeriStarsFrank RiveraMarie MichaelsGerald PregerA pregnant woman reluctantly goes to an illegal abortion clinic, which also doubles as a brothel, only to have her aborted mutated fetus attack everyone at the clinic.Asinine attempt to rip off The Brood, It's Alive and even Night Of The Living Dead. The movie is terrible of course, but what really hurts is when the film tries to be funny.
- DirectorEric KarsonStarsTom SkerrittLisa EichhornAnthony ZerbeA group of soldiers, including a female for the first time, enroll in the ultimate training mission. They parachute onto an island in the Philippines, only to find that the commandant will stop at nothing to try and break his trainees.Ugly and mindless P.O.W film that requires not only suspension of disbelief, but for one to have suffered a concussion prior to watching it. The novelty of this being a training process just shows sheer contempt for the audience.
- DirectorGiuseppe VariStarsBruno BilottaAlex VitaleBjorn HammerThree technicians working in an underground laboratory discover that a nuclear war has destroyed most of the aboveground world. After a brief search for food, the trio find that gangs of murderous mutants want them for their next meal. Will the scientists be able to find other uncontaminated humans to rebuild civilization with, or will they all end up as mutant chow?Even in a genre that gave us 1990:Bronx Warriors, Exterminators Of The Year 3000, Texas Gladiators 2020 and Bronx Executioner, gives us what has to be the absolute pits of the genre. Poorly made, badly directed and ineptly dubbed, the real minus here is that there isn't any entertainment value. Not even the unintentional value.
- DirectorHarold P. WarrenStarsTom NeymanJohn ReynoldsDiane AdelsonA family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.Literally, the most unwatchable movie ever committed to celluloid. It's doesn't make you want to take a shower after watching it, but I mean it is real boring, full of unnecessary padding and the filmmaking is grotesquely incompetent.