Hosting a talk show is the easiest job anybody ever had.
Beware of assuming that credentials establish intelligence.
We pride ourselves on the high moral standards of our programmes and I
mean that sincerely. We don't resort to sex or crime or violence or
drinking...on the programmes.
If my mind ever listened to what my mouth said, I'd have a lot of accounting to do.
Nothing is quite as funny as the unintended humor of reality.
[on Milton Berle] He's been on TV for years and I finally figured out the reason for his success. He never improved.
Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.
Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed.
In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.