- Hal Samson Blake: He's the dumbest human being I ever saw. Every time he opens his mouth he subtracts from the sum total of human knowledge.
- Zachary Hicks: [Straddling a barbed wire fence] Ow ow ow ow! I've got this thing caught on one of my...
- [pause]
- Zachary Hicks: ... legs.
- Maybelle Blake, Hal's ex-wife: You do play poker?
- Zachary Hicks: Yeah, but I don't like it much.
- Maybelle Blake, Hal's ex-wife: But you have played strip poker? Now that is a game!
- Zachary Hicks: Strip poker? How do you play that?
- Maybelle Blake, Hal's ex-wife: It's just like regular poker. Only instead of the bets, the loser has to take off some garment. It's lots of fun!
- Zachary Hicks: Oh, I see. There's some sense to that.
- Zachary Hicks: Gentlemen, gentlemen! I've just thought of an outstanding idea!
- Mr. Jones: Yes, Mr. Hicks, what is it?
- Zachary Hicks: I would like to come forth with a platform against capital punishment.
- Mr. Green: Mr. Hicks, capital punishment was abolished in this state six months ago.
- Hal Samson Blake: Yes sir, Governor. I can see that you have no false pride. You're a true democrat.
- Zachary Hicks: Well, thank you.
- Hal Samson Blake: You have simple, innate dignity. That's what I like.
- Mr. Green: Well, what're we going to do?
- Hal Samson Blake: That's simple. We're going to capitalize his dumbness.
- Hal Samson Blake: We're going to convince the voters that at last they're getting one of their own kind to represent them. Honest and dumb.
- Hal Samson Blake: But he's honest, and he'll give the people a square deal. And believe me, that's what the public wants in these days of corruption and depression.
- Hal Samson Blake: I dislike accusing Mr. Underwood of plagiarism, and yet I think it highly unlikely that Abraham Lincoln stole that speech from Mr. Underwood.
- Hal Samson Blake: [Reading from a book of supposed Abraham Lincoln speeches] I am unknown to most of you. I was born and have ever remained in the most humble walks of life. I have no wealthy or popular relations, or friends to recommend me. My case is thrown exclusively upon the independent voters of the country. And if elected they will have conferred a favor upon me for which I will be unremitting in my labors to compensate. But if the people, in their wisdom, shall see fit to keep me in the background, I have been too familiar with disappointments to be very much chagrined.