- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Humiliatin', that's what it is. Under a bed and no husband in sight!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [to Baron Munchausen] We were looking for fruits and nuts.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: And then we found you!
- Dean Primrose: [on the phone] Somethings wrong with the showers. The water's off. Hurry! These poor girls are standing around here without any clothes on.
- Head Janitor: We'll be right up!
- Janitor: [the 3 Stooges march in with pitchers of water] Who ordered the ice water?
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: I did!
- Janitor: Alright, let him have it.
- [they toss the water on him]
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Did I have dinner tonight?
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: What a question, did you have dinner tonight? You ate 12 courses, not counting the cutlery!
- [first lines]
- Baron Munchausen: Uhh...
- Julius: Was you there?
- Baron Munchausen: No, I wasn't there.
- Julius: So I did it!
- Baron Munchausen: Shut up!
- Julius: By jove, I remember it like it was yesterday.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Maybe it was yesterday.
- Julius: No, let me zee, it was nineteen-hundred-zixteen. He was right up there...
- Baron Munchausen: Hear anything, Julius?
- Julius: No, Baron Munchhausen.
- Baron Munchausen: You, McGoo? Smell any lions?
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: No, Baron.
- Julius: And if Joe don't smell no lions, there ain't no lions.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: I'd be very much obliged if you kept my nose out of your affairs.
- Julius: Zo, it was nineteen hundert sixteen, right here in the zame jungle. I was surrounded by 55 tigers...
- Baron Munchausen: Will you shut up? I won't have my servants lying!
- Julius: Please, Baron, if that's a lie, I hope I never - Wait, you're right; that is a lie.
- Baron Munchausen: Of course it is.
- Julius: It was nineteen hundert seventeen!
- Baron Munchausen: Ohh...
- Baron Munchausen: Julius! Julius! Where is that fool?
- Baron Munchausen: [the Baron looks up and sees Julius has climbed a tree] Come down here!
- Julius: I'm comin'.
- Baron Munchausen: Watch yourself now.
- Julius: Don't worry, Baron, I'm all right.
- Baron Munchausen: I don't care about you, it's the water! We've only enough to last us 'til we hit the river! Careful!
- Baron Munchausen: [Julius accidentally lets a canteen drop to the ground] Ohh! You imbecile! You moron! Do you realize that this is all the water we have left? Enough to last us for just one day? We'll never get out of this alive!
- Julius: But Baron, please...
- Baron Munchausen: After trying for 10 years to get back to civilization, I had to find you two! How'd you ever get here in the first place?
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: We tried to tell you, but you was always engrossed in matters petite! Julius here wss a pants presser on the boat.
- Julius: Yeah, please, "vallet"!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: So you was a wallet; I was a mess boy, and nobody made a prettier mess on that boat than I did!
- Julius: The captain beat us up, so one day, we made up our minds to skip the skipper.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: And we swam to shore! Well, a man has gotta eat, so we started around looking for fruits and nuts.
- Julius: And we found you.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: The rest is history!
- Baron Munchausen: Give me that water, I'll take care of it! There isn't a chance in a million of our ever reaching the river!
- Head Janitor: [on the telephone] Hello, I'm the head janitor, if Miss Primrose wants me, tell her I'm fixing a tiny bit of a leak down in the janitor's cellar.
- [Moe, Larry and Curly come into the flooded cellar in a gondola boat, singing]
- Larry: I got a fish!
- Curly: I got a fish!
- Moe: All us children got fish!
- Head Janitor: Wait a second, boys... That's the first fish of the season. make a wish, take your time now, son.
- Larry: [sings] Well, I wish I was in Dixie,
- Moe: He would,
- Curly: He should!
- Head Janitor: [catches a fish with his hands, sings] We'll save this fish for the Baron's breakfast, the best is none too good!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [during the Baron's homecoming parade] What a reception!
- Julius: [worriedly posing as the Baron] A suspicious occasion.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [Joe says 'pomeranian' as a blunder for 'pandemonium'] Why, 'pomeranian' is breaking loose! And what's your reaction? Negative!
- Julius: Joe, I don't like this! Maybe it's better I go back to pants pressing!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Why, you vulgarian, we're all set! Tomorrow, you're going to broadcast, and then you lecture at Cuddle College.
- Julius: And it's all the Baron's fault - he left us in the jungle to rat.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Rat?
- Julius: No, rot, but don't worry.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: This is no time for remiscing, distribute your bows!
- [Julius / "The Baron" and Joe stand up and bow to the crowd]
- Julius: [a man in the crowd throws a book at "The Baron"] Big simp! "Bows", he said, not books!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Joe, look!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [Joe looks up and sees the back of a cleaning lady in the window] What? The face is familiar, but I can't place the - I got it, the hippopotamus!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: [Joe and the Baron laugh, until the Baron recognizes the woman] My Aunt Sophie! If she sees me, we're sunk!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [Joe tosses the Baron under a pile of confetti, so that his head is buried like an ostrich; Aunt Sophie doesn't see Joe or the Baron] What a family resemblance! It's uncanny!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [Charley enters Studio A] Uh, let me perooze that contract. I got to perooze it.
- General Broadcasting Representative: Hello, Charley.
- 'Charley': Yes, Mr. Burns.
- General Broadcasting Representative: Baron, allow me to present our star announcer, Mr. Charles Montague.
- 'Charley': Baron, this is indeed an honor.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Charley, I assure you, the feeling is monotonous.
- 'Charley': And now, friends, this station has the great honor to introduce to you, the famous Baron Munchhausen. Baron, the radio world is waiting for news of your recent activities.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: So?
- 'Charley': What was your last great achievement?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Well, uh... I was, uh... You would like to know?
- 'Charley': Yes, we would.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: So would I.
- [laughs]
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: I was, uh... deep-sea diving.
- 'Charley': Deep-sea diving?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Yeah, in water.
- 'Charley': Naturally. What were you diving for?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: I was diving for... sponges.
- 'Charley': Sponges? Then you know all about sponges.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Do I know about sponges?
- 'Charley': Do you?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: [chuckles] Sometimes you must meet my relatives!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: But the last time I was diving there, I had a very tough time.
- 'Charley': You encountered difficulties?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: You see, I - I beg your stuff?
- 'Charley': I say, you encountered difficulties?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: [chuckling] No, no, halibut.
- 'Charley': Halibut?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Yes, but I couldn't go down very far. There was a school of halibut swimming around on the top of the water, so I pushed them aside.
- 'Charley': Oh, Baron, pardon me just a moment, but aren't halibut strictly a bottom fish?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Oh, sure.
- 'Charley': Well then, how could you encounter a school at the top?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: [chuckling] This was a high school!
- 'Charley': [laughing] A high school!
- Head Janitor: [sits down to a card game] Have you guys got any tricks?
- Larry: Have we got any tricks?
- Head Janitor: Yeah.
- Larry: [to Curly; Larry stands up and attempts to get on Curly's shoulders] Hey, show him that trick. We got a trick where I get up on his shoulder, and while I'm up there, he drinks a cup of coffee.
- Head Janitor: You drink a cup of coffee?
- Curly: Yeah.
- Head Janitor: Do you like sugar in your coffee?
- Curly: Sure!
- Head Janitor: [Ted pounds Curly on the nose] There's a lump!
- Larry: [Curly and Larry sit down] Wait a minute now, I'm going to deal these cards!
- Head Janitor: You're what?
- Larry: I'm going to deal the cards!
- Head Janitor: I'm the boss, ain't I? I'll deal! I'll hit you a crack in the kisser!
- [Ted slaps Larry]
- Head Janitor: I'll do all the dealing.
- [Ted starts dealing out the cards]
- Head Janitor: Here, there's a 4 for you; there's an ace, that's for me; there's an 8, and there's a deuce. That takes too long: there's some for you there, there's some for you, there's some for you, and that's for me.
- Moe: What do you bid?
- Head Janitor: I bid, uh... four spades.
- Curly: I double.
- Larry: I re-double.
- Moe: I triple!
- Head Janitor: Triple? How do you like that? You can't triple!
- Moe: [Moe stands up] Why can't I?
- Curly: [Curly stands up] But the man says you can't triple!
- Moe: Ohhh, come on.
- [Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
- Curly: How do you like that guy?
- [Ted slaps Curly]
- Curly: How do you like that guy?
- Head Janitor: [the head janitor slaps Curly] That argument's between he and me, he and me!
- Moe: Yeah, now I can triple!
- Head Janitor: Triple? You want to triple?
- Moe: Yeah!
- Head Janitor: You must triple?
- Moe: Yeah!
- Head Janitor: Heh heh. Hey mouse-head, come here.
- Head Janitor: [Larry and Curly huddle into a whispered conversation with the head janitor] Okay, heh heh, come here.
- Head Janitor: [Moe walks over to the head janitor; Larry sticks his leg out, tripping Moe] Ha ha! Now you've tripled!
- Moe: Aw, that ain't the Culbertson system!
- Head Janitor: Boys, boys, get the tools!
- Moe: What tools?
- Head Janitor: The tools we've been using for the last 10 years!
- Moe, Curly, Larry: Oh, those tools!
- Head Janitor: [a factory whistle blows; Moe, Larry and Curly put their tool kits on the ground] What's the matter?
- Curly: Didn't you hear the whistle?
- Moe: Time's up!
- Head Janitor: What is this, mutiny?
- Larry: No, we're union men!
- Curly: Local 464.
- Larry: Telephone: Main-1234.
- Moe: And if a man answers, hang up.
- Head Janitor: Are you going to work?
- Curly: No!
- [the boss slaps Curly]
- Head Janitor: Are you going to work?
- Moe: No!
- [the boss slaps Moe]
- Head Janitor: Are *you* going to work?
- Larry: I'll work if I feel like it!
- Head Janitor: Do you feel like it?
- Larry: Yeah, I feel like it.
- Head Janitor: Now listen, fellas, let's get organized. Do you understand? The girls are upstairs, taking a shower bath, and the water is stopped and we got to fix it.
- Moe: The girls are in the shower now?
- Head Janitor: Yes!
- Curly: They're waiting for us?
- Head Janitor: Yes!
- Larry: And we got to fix it?
- Head Janitor: Yeah!
- [Moe, Larry and Curly eagerly pick up their tool kits, the boss tries to keep them in order]
- Head Janitor: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm the boss here!
- Moe: Give me my tools!
- Dean Primrose: Stop!
- Head Janitor: What's the matter?
- Dean Primrose: You can't go in there.
- Moe, Larry, Curly: Aaw...
- Head Janitor: We can't, eh? She don't know us.
- Dean Primrose: Apparently, you don't know me. I'm the dean, you hear me? The dean, dean, dean!
- Moe, Larry, Curly: You're a better man than I am, Gunga Dean!
- [the head janitor gives his assistants a sweeping slap across their faces after the "Gunga Din" pun]
- Head Janitor: [inside Baron Munchausen's suite] Gentlemen, where do you want me to put the bags?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Er, put them... put them under the bed.
- Head Janitor: Boys, put them under the...
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Wait a minute! Baron, I smell treachery!
- [turns to the head janitor]
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Or is that you?
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: You want the bags where you can see them, Baron.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Sure, I want the bags... I want them under my eyes.
- Moe: [looks at the Baron's face] But you already got bags under your eyes.
- Head Janitor: [pushes Moe down among the baggage] What's the matter with you? Talking that way to the Baron!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Please, my bags!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Ignore it, Baron!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: I'm insulted!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: The Baron demands an apology!
- Head Janitor: Hey, hatchet-head, did you hear that? The Baron demands an apology!
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Baron!
- Head Janitor: Apologize to the Baron!
- Moe: Well, if I said anything to hurt the Baron's feelings, I thank you.
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: It's apologized!
- Statue of Liberty: [singing] I've gotta sing a torch song, the best is none too good.
- Mae West Lookalike #1: One.
- Mae West Lookalike #2: Two.
- Mae West Lookalike #3: Three - cheers for the Baron, Come up and see me sometime.
- Mae West Lookalike #1: We heard that the best is none too good.
- Mae West Lookalike #2: And of all the ladies in the neighborhood...
- Mae West Lookalike #1, Mae West Lookalike #2, Mae West Lookalike #3: We're the best!
- Mae West Lookalike #1: And we're none too good.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: The Baron is to receive $2,000 for 2,000 words. That's $4 a word; regardless of size, shape, or color. Off-color words costs extra. But, not one word more!
- Dean Primrose: You nincompoop! You idiot! You good-for-nothing lout! I want you to know that I disapprove of you wholeheartedly.
- Head Janitor: What's this squawk?
- Dean Primrose: You blockhead!
- Dean Primrose: We've never had any scandal in dear old Cuddle! That is, nothing that wouldn't happen in any girl's school.
- Zasu - Upstairs Maid: You don't need to bother about this room. I'll take care of it myself. Nobody else is gonna make his bed, but me!
- Dean Primrose: All you have to do my dear Mr. McGoo is have the Baron show his credentials.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: Credentials! Did Columbus have to show his credentials when he landed on Plymouth Rock and says, "Lafayette, we are here?" Did Washington have to show his credentials at Valley Frog, when he put them Union soldiers back to work? Well, what's good enough for them fellas is good enough for me and vice-a-versa!
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: You lowlife, you! You snake in the bush! And now I'm even insulting the snakes!
- Dean Primrose: You worm! You blaggard! You contemptible something. Pack your things and get out of here. And take your manager with you. Riffraff.
- Julius: It's finished? I'll go. I'll try to forget you. But, I won't! I'll never look at another bed without thinking of you!
- Julius: It only goes to show, we should have been honest.
- Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: I resent that! We may have been slightly indiscreet, perhaps a bit deceptive. I may even go as far as to say: crooked. But, always honest - as the day is long!
- Dean Primrose: [separating a blindfolded Curly from a girl whose hands he took by mistake] The pipes are there.
- Curly: Ohh, it's the pipes that need handling! Shucks...
- Head Janitor: Baron, tell me: Did you bring your animals with you?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: No. First, I look around and see if I like the country, then I send for my animals and also my birds.
- Curly: Oh, a bird lover, eh? And you know all about them?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Do I know about birds? You give me a bird, any bird, and I tell you where it comes from.
- Moe: Oh... We give you a bird, and you can tell us where it comes from?
- The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Ya, but give me a good one.
- [Moe, Larry, and Curly give the Baron a "bird" in the form of a raspberry]
- Head Janitor: [the head janitor knocks Curly's top hat off, and Curly puts a bowler hat on his head] For two pins, I'd knock your head off!
- Larry: [Larry holds two pins in his hand] That's very cheap. Here!