It's a Gift (1934)

W.C. Fields: Harold Bissonette

Photos 

Quotes 

• Harry Payne Bosterly : You're drunk!

  Harold : And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

• [at breakfast, Norman takes the plate of bacon before Harold can get it] 

  Harold : Hey, put it down!

  Norman : What's the matter, Pop? Don'tcha love me anymore?

  Harold : [he raises his hand to hit Norman]  Certainly I love you.

  Amelia : Don't you strike that child!

  Harold : Well, he's not gonna tell me I don't love him.

• Insurance Salesman : Do you know a man by the name of LaFong? Carl LaFong? Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o, small n, small g. LaFong. Carl LaFong.

  Harold : No, I don't know Carl LaFong - capital L, small a, capital F, small o, small n, small g. And if I did know Carl LaFong, I wouldn't admit it!

  Insurance Salesman : Well he's a railroad man and he leaves home very early in the morning.

  Harold : Well, he's a chump.

• [Harold ripped a pillow playing with the dog] 

  Amelia : Those were my mother's feathers!

  Harold : Never knew your mother had feathers.

• Insurance Salesman : How old are you?

  Harold : None of your business.

  Insurance Salesman : I'd say you were a man about 50.

  Harold : You would say that.

• Amelia : Oh, look what you've done!

  Harold : She ran right in front of the car!

  Amelia : Why, it's a statue, you idiot. It's a Venus de Milo.

• Mother : Just use your own judgment.

  Daughter : You tell me where to go.

  Harold : [muttering]  I'd like to tell you both where to go.

• Harold : [seeing Everett has stood by, allowing the toddler Elwood to open the spigot on the molasses barrel]  What did you let him turn the molasses on for?

  Everett : I told him I wouldn't do it if I was him.

  Harold : You told him you wouldn't do it if you was him. Get him outta here!

• [Harold has slipped on a skate] 

  Norman : Ha ha. Do it again, Pop.

  Harold : Shut up!

  Amelia : Hurt yourself, Dear?

  Harold : Shut... Umm no, Dear.

• Amelia : Why were you sitting there like a stone image when those men were insulting me?

  Harold : I was just waiting for one of 'em to say something to me.

• Mrs. Dunk : What do you have in the way of steaks?

  Harold : Nothing in the way of steaks, I can get right to them.

• Harold : [after being struck on the nose by a cluster of grapes dropped by Baby Dunk]  Shades of Bacchus!

• Mrs. Dunk : Bessie, hurry up now.

  Miss Dunk : Alright, I'll hurry.

  Mrs. Dunk : Don't forget the ipecac.

  Miss Dunk : I thought you said syrup of squill.

  Mrs. Dunk : I can't hear you. Talk louder.

  Miss Dunk : I thought you said syrup of squill.

  Mrs. Dunk : Alright, syrup of squill. I don't care.

  Miss Dunk : I don't care either. I'll get ipecac if you want me to.

  Mrs. Dunk : Well ipecac or syrup of squill, I don't care which.

  Miss Dunk : I don't care either. You tell me what to get and I'll get it.

  Mrs. Dunk : Get whichever one you want. I don't care. Whatever they have handy. Just the same to me.

  Miss Dunk : Ah, it's just the same to me too. I hate 'em both. Oh, where'll I go, to Jones's?

  Mrs. Dunk : Use your own judgement.

  Miss Dunk : No. You tell me where to go.

  Harold : I'd like to tell you both where to go.

  Mrs. Dunk : There's no use dear, I can't hear a word you're saying. Somebody's shouting on the floor below, so you'd better go along.

• Amelia : Seems pretty strange someone would call you from a maternity hospital in the middle of the night.

  Harold : They didn't call me from a maternity hospital. They called thinking this was the maternity hospital.

  Amelia : A likely story!

• Norman : Hey Pop, who ya think is dying?

  Harold : Dying what?

  Norman : Uncle Bean is dying!

  Harold : Well you don't have to spit in my eye do ya?

• Harold : This sun dial is ten minutes slow.

  Amelia : Yes, the sun is wrong but your watch is right, of course.

• Fitchmueller : How about my kumquats!

  Harold : Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming.

• Mildred Bissonette : I never knew such an ungrateful father!

  Harold : Listen, you've all got to realize one thing, that I am the Master of this house.

  Amelia : [Calling from another part of the house]  Harold!

  Harold : Yes dear!

  Amelia : I don't know why it is that every time I want to talk to you, you're off in some other part of the house! I have to shout! Shout! Shout! No wonder the neighbors know all about our private affairs. I give them enough opportunity as it is to find out what's going on, without you running away as if I had the small pox or something. Every time I open my mouth...

  [Harold slips out of the house] 

• Amelia : As I was saying - are you listening to me?

  Harold : Eh, yes dear, yes dear, yes dear.

  Amelia : For twenty years, I've struggled to make a home for you and the children.

  Harold : That's right dear.

  Amelia : Slaving day-in, day-out, to make both ends meet. Sometimes I don't know which way to turn.

  Harold : Eh, turn over on your right side, dear. Sleeping on your left side's bad for the heart.

• Harold : Ah, crackers. Good old crackers. That was a smart thing of me to bring those crackers along, wasn't it?

• Insurance Salesman : If you should live to be 100...

  [Harold chases him off the deck] 

  Harold : And suppose I live to be 200, I'll get a velocipede!

• Amelia : The only real money you'll ever have and you throw it away before you get your hands on a penny of it! What are you lying there for?

  Harold : I'm tired.

  Amelia : Why don't you go to bed?

  Harold : I thought I'd lie down and take a little nap first.

• Amelia : And no more drinking!

  Harold : Oh, no, no, no. Good night, dear.

• Amelia : Harold!

  Harold : Don't argue with them, dear, they're beneath our dignity.

• Harold : Vegetable man? Vegetable gentleman?

• Harold : Sufferin' sciatica!

• Mrs. Dunk : I'll take two pounds of round steak.

  Harold : Off the rump?

  Mrs. Dunk : Yes.

  Harold : Two round off the rump.

• Mildred Bissonette : Dad, quick! Mother's fainted!

  Harold : Huh? Oh, here, here. Give her some of this reviver.

  [Mildred gives her Mother some of Harold's hooch] 

  Harold : Doesn't it taste good?

  Amelia : [Amelia's revived]  Oh, you're an old idiot. But, I can't help loving you.

  Harold : Give her another drink.