Broadway Melody of 1936 (1935)

Jack Benny: Bert Keeler

Quotes 

• Bert Keeler : Well of all the dumb guys...

  Snoop : Don't worry about Corbett, she won't tip the gag, she said so.

  Bert Keeler : Just the same I gotta find out who this Arlette dame is that Gordon's got signed up.

  Snoop : Well whadda ya want me to do?

  Bert Keeler : Go down to the ocean and pull a wave over your head!

• Bert Keeler : It gives my column a homey feeling, a sort of a domestic touch.

  Managing Editor : That's not Broadway. Now get this Keeler, I want the kind of stuff you get looking over transoms and peeking through keyholes.

  Bert Keeler : Well, you can't always get stuff through keyholes. Sometimes the people aren't home.

  Managing Editor : Then, you find out where they went and why.

  Bert Keeler : Well, suppose I find them and they're doing nothing wrong?

  Managing Editor : People are *always* doing something wrong - for a good reporter.

• Radio Announcer : Bert Keeler, the voice of Broadway, giving you the inside dope on what's what among the who's who. Take it Bert.

  Bert Keeler : Good evening, you little scandal lovers. This is Bert Keeler speaking, the Voice of Broadway, coming to you with all the late indoor sport results. And am I hot tonight!

• Bert Keeler : He wants to get in Gordon's show.

  Snoop : Yeah, what do you do?

  The Snorer : I snore.

  Snoop : Oh, you're part of the audience.

• Managing Editor : Say, this mademoiselle Arlette you've been spreading all over your column, do you know who she is?

  Bert Keeler : Yeah. She's a five cent cigar - and a very bad smoke.

• Managing Editor : Keep up the good work, my boy. I may give you a bonus.

  Bert Keeler : Thanks. Looks like I'll die a rich man. If I live long enough!

• Bert Keeler : All right, Mademoiselle, relax.

  Snoop : [in drag]  Hey, when can I get out of this harness? My feet hurt.

  Bert Keeler : You look about as effeminate as Wallace Beery. Now, look Snoop, all you have to do is sit here all day and answer the phone. Now, can you talk like a dame?

  Snoop : I can try.

  Bert Keeler : Let's hear it.

  Snoop : Buy me a Rolls Royce, Daddy.

  Bert Keeler : Well, you're thinking like one anyway. But, you got to get your voice higher. Higher! Way up! Look, Snoop, if there's any soprano in you, this is the time to bring it out. Now, try it again.

  Snoop : Buy me - Buy me a Rolls Royce - I can't!

  Bert Keeler : Then, we're stuck. Say, maybe you better be a man.

  Snoop : What do you mean maybe?

• Managing Editor : Listen, your column's going strong. You're a success! People are beginning to hate the ground you walk on. Everybody in town wants to see you hit by a taxi. Think of it!

  Bert Keeler : Boy, am I hot. Everybody hates me! Ain't that swell.

• Bert Keeler : If you're French, I'm a Chinaman.

  Irene Foster : [pretending to be "Arlette"]  That is possible.

• Snoop : And everybody in town thinks you're a heel, but I don't anymore.

  Bert Keeler : Well, thanks, Snoop, I...

  [offended glance at Snoop when he realizes what he's just said]