Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1953)

Lou Costello: Orville

Photos 

7 more photos

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Miss Frances Planey : Orville, after you've finished flying the jet ships for the children, bring them back to the orphanage. Then cut the lawn and water the plants.

  Orville : All right, Miss Planey.

• Lester : Do you realize that we are the first persons to land on Mars? Hey, I hereby claim Mars in the name of the United States of America.

  Orville : Me too!

• Orville : What kind of hot rod was that?

• [last lines] 

  Orville : She crowned me again.

• Orville : Hey, what are these? Football uniforms?

  Lester : Certainly not! They're spacesuits.

• Orville : I don't want to go to the Moon. If I wanted green cheese, I'd go to the delicatessen.

• Orville : Calling experimental laboratory. Calling experimental laboratory. Get me down, will ya? I want to collect my Social Security.

  Lester : You can't collect your Social Security until you're 65.

  Orville : I just aged 30 years.

• Lester : Professor of Aeronautical Science? What makes a balloon go up?

  Orville : Hot air?

  Lester : What's keeping you down?

• Orville : I'm Orville.

  Dr. Orvilla : [to Lester]  See, Orville. He don't even know how to say the name. The name is Orvilla!

  Orville : No, Orville.

  Dr. Orvilla : [to Lester]  He's the quack pots.

  [to Orville, giving him his briefcase] 

  Dr. Orvilla : Do you mind-a hold this please?

  Orville : No, sir.

  Dr. Orvilla : [slaps Orville]  The name is Orvilla.

  Orville : [gives Dr. Orvilla back his briefcase]  Now, I don't go for that kind of stuff.

  [slaps Dr. Orvilla] 

  Orville : Now, cut it out. My name is Orville.

  Dr. Orvilla : [mumbles in Italian]  I'm-a gonna give you a buckaroo.

  [hands Orville his briefcase and slaps him] 

  Dr. Orvilla : The name is Orvilla!

  Orville : [hands back Dr. Orvilla's briefcase]  Now, you hold that. Now, you cut it out!

  [slaps Dr. Orvilla] 

  Orville : Slappin' me in the face like that. My name is Orville.

  Dr. Orvilla : You make-a me lose my temper, you.

  [hands back his briefcase to Orville] 

  Dr. Orvilla : The name is Orvilla!

  [slaps Orville so hard he falls down on a chair] 

• Dr. Orvilla : [to Lester]  How can he be Orvilla? He don't even-a speak-a like-a me?

  Orville : I tink I speak even-a betterin' than you.

  Dr. Orvilla : No mock-a me.

  Orville : Whose-a mockin'-a you?

  [Dr. Orvilla slaps Orville, Orville slaps Dr. Orvilla, etc. etc] 

• Orville : Hey, Dr. Wilson, is there anything else I can do?

  Dr. Wilson : I'm afraid not, Orville. This kind of work requires a high IQ.

  Orville : A what?

  Dr. Wilson : [louder]  High IQ.

  Orville : High IQ, too.

• Orville : How am I gonna eat with this fishbowl on my head?

• Allura : What do you want here?

  Orville : I was lookin' for a policeman. I didn't know this was a moving picture studio.

  Allura : You are a bit confused. This is the planet Venus.

• Orville : Can I get up?

  Allura : Go ahead.

  Orville : Thank you.

  Allura : He looks worst standing up than he did lying down.

• Allura : King Orville. If you'll step into the King's quarter's you'll find some of his old apparel.

  Orville : Is it customary for the King to have a body guard?

  Allura : With you I'm afraid the body guard would have to have a body guard.

• Mugsy : [to Allura]  Ah, fair flower of Venus. The sight of you makes my lips burn for your kisses. It kindles the fires of love in my heart. The flames sear my soul.

  Orville : Squirt the hose on him, put the fire out, and put him in the dungeon.

  Venusian Captain Olivia : Yes, oh mighty King.

• Allura : What can a King do that a Queen can't do?

  Orville : Be de fatha of a large family.

• Orville : Kiss my hand.

  [Lester shrugs his shoulders and kisses Orville's hand] 

  Orville : Now you know who's boss.

  Allura : [stands up]  Whose the boss?

  Orville : You are.

  [Orville sits down] 

• Orville : When I get down to Earth, I'm gonna tell 'em down there how beautiful you and the girls are.

  Allura : Thank you.

  Orville : May I take along a few samples to show 'em?

  Allura : No!

• Allura : I must say, it's rather nice to have a man around the house again. Are you married?

  [Orville shakes his head no] 

  Allura : Engaged?

  [Orville shakes his head no] 

  Allura : Have you a sweetheart?

  [Orville shakes his head no] 

  Allura : Well, do you go around with anyone?

  Orville : Lester.

• Allura : Too bad I couldn't trust him. He was such a cute little fellow.

  Orville : You mean me, Queenie?

• Orville : I know how a jet plane works and rocket ships and space ships.

  Boy : How does a space ship work?

  Orville : Sure. A space ship. A space ship? Well, first you gotta have a lot of space.