- Rock Hunter: Of course, the great thing about television is that it lets you see events live as they happen, like old movies from thirty years ago.
- Rock Hunter: That's right Sweetie, I'm president of Rita Marlowe Productions, Incorporated, but Miss Marlowe is the titular head.
- Rita Marlowe: George, how come you never tried to kiss me before?
- George Schmidlap: I never could get close enough.
- [turns his head to the camera and raises his eyebrows up and down]
- Tony Randall: Ladies and gentlemen, this break in our motion picture is made out of respect for the TV fans in our audience, who are accustomed to constant interruptions in their programs for messages from sponsors. We want all you TV fans to feel at home, and not forget the thrill you get, watching television on your big, 21-inch screens.
- Violet: What you need is a drink.
- Rock Hunter: And how!
- Violet: Maybe two drinks! What'll it be?
- Rock Hunter: Something simple. A bottle and a straw.
- Rock Hunter: You were my idol. I regarded you as a big man, but you're not a big man. You're just a little... poop of a man. And that's the way the poop poops.
- Violet: [Speaking of the milkman she loved in the silent picture era.] He had the pains for the gaI was working for, and she must have liked his brand of cream because they got married, and he because the producer of all her pictures until the talkies came in. She couldn't speak English, being from Texas.
- Breakfast Food Demonstrator: Each little Crunchie contains energy, contains pep for your growing youngsters, builds strong legs so that when they're older they can stand the long waits in the unemployment lines.
- Rockwell Hunter: I'm not a failure. I'm the largest success there is. I'm an average guy. And all us average guys are successes. We run the works! Not the big guy behind the big desk!
- Henry Rufus: [watching reporters swarm a movie star] What's Rita saying?... Turn on the TV.
- Rock Hunter: Which station?
- Henry Rufus: Any station! It's like when the president speaks.
- Violet: This guy I was nuts about was our milkman. I'd get a throatful of heart every a.m. when he'd drive up to our back door on Copa de Ora in Bel Air, the sound of the milk bottles rattling and little cream bottles jiggling. Boy, it was something. But he couldn't see me for dust. It was stardust he saw. He had the pains for the gal I was working for and she must have liked his brand of cream, because they got married.
- Violet: [Both talking about trying to get over the men they love] Then I went to a psychiatrist.
- Rita Marlowe: I was gonna to do that, too, except in Hollywood they're so busy with producers you can't even get an appointment.
- Henry Rufus: If talent had anything to do with success, Brooks Brothers would go out of business. Television studios would be turned into supermarkets. We are talking about success, a world where fancy foreign cars replace subways and bus transfers. Where all women are beautiful and willing. A world created, designed and running like a charm for those few who've scaled the heights, broken through the soundy barrier, by whatever fashion, but invariably by being at the right place at the right time, when success, like a crock of cherries, comes crashing down on the head of fortune's child, as it did on yours. There she was, an actress fresh from the shores of Romanoff's. There were you, with a hangover, fresh from the steam baths, standing on the threshold, the veritable threshold of success. I rest my case, and may it be Napoleon Brandy.
- Rita Marlowe: Where did you learn to use your lips the way you do?
- Rock Hunter: I don't know. Might be hereditary. My mother is an accomplished musician. Tuba, trombone, bassoon, oboe. Brass and woodwinds.
- [last lines]
- Rock Hunter: We've learned that success - is just the art of being happy. And being happy is - well, being happy is just...
- Rock Hunter, Rita Marlowe, Henry Rufus, Violet, Jenny Wells, April Hunter, Irving La Salle Jr.: The very living end.
- Henry Rufus: Gladys talks too much. I ought to get rid of her, but she has it on me ever since I got juiced up at that Christmas party and made a couple of passes at her IBM machine.
- Rock Hunter: [singing] Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put, If on your lips you'll only put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put, You'll kiss-kiss here, You'll kiss-kiss there, Here, there, everywhere, Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put.
- [speaking]
- Rock Hunter: You have to imagine it sung by three chickens, Rufe.
- Henry Rufus: Singing commercials are dead, Rocky boy.
- Tony Randall: I'm Tony Randall and I'm appearing in this motion picture with a fascinating and beautiful performer. The talented and gorgeous star with a fabulous figure - I beg your pardon
- [Jayne Mansfield's name replaces Tony Randall's in the credits]
- Tony Randall: There - I think you'll agree her figure is a lot more interesting than mine. That is, if you're interested in that sort of thing.
- Rock Hunter: Hi, Rufe. Must be your fifth tranquilliser by now.
- Henry Rufus: Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch? She forgets I eat the olives. That's where the nourishment is.
- Henry Rufus: My Evelyn, she was a perfectly normal juvenile delinquent until she got a breakdown. Rock-n-Roll got to her. Now I take her to the analyst three times a week. The bills! The man must be building a monument to Freud. But, that's the way the banana splits.
- Henry Rufus: You can always write TV scripts. You know, expand the one-line joke into the hour-and-a-half spectacular.
- Rita Marlowe: I'm just going to New York with my secretary to rest in seclusion. Ooh! Seclusion? Is that right?
- Violet: That's right, you want to be alone.
- Rita Marlowe: Seclusion sounds so dirty.
- Violet: Well, it isn't.
- Rita Marlowe: He wasn't too loaded to turn up at Ciro's with another bleached blonde. Another blonde. After all I did for him! What was Bobo when I met him? A Cucamonga grape-picker! Even his feet were blue!
- Rock Hunter: I did want to talk to you about getting your endorsement.
- Rita Marlowe: Now, don't start talking dirty.
- Rita Marlowe: When I get through with him, his hair will be so loose, he'll be in the road company of "The King And I"!
- Rock Hunter: I ask you, what is Rita Marlowe famous for?
- Jenny Wells: Next question?
- Rock Hunter: Stop that! No, she's famous as the girl with the oh-so-kissable lips.
- Rita Marlowe: Doll just looked at me and suddenly my heart went pop. Ooh! You know, like a girdle does when you walk fast. Except I wouldn't know because I never wear one.
- Henry Rufus: [on the phone to Earl] I'll ask him.
- [to Rock]
- Henry Rufus: He wants to know Rita's measurements.
- Rock Hunter: How would I know?
- Henry Rufus: [on the phone Earl] He doesn't know, it was dark. Okay, Earl, he'll appreciate that.
- [to Rock]
- Henry Rufus: He's sending you a tape measure.
- Rita Marlowe: She never had some dopey director making her retake and retake her kissing scenes. Why, at the end of a day's work at the studio, I don't have a decent pucker left!
- Rock Hunter: Something snapped.
- Rita Marlowe: Something snapped? You snapped, and you're not a bad snapper, Dolly. I know. I've probably been snapped at more than any girl in history,
- Rita Marlowe: Would I pick on someone who wasn't the greatest? Ooh!
- Rock Hunter: Oh, I wouldn't think so, not with those measurements, but you did.
- Rita Marlowe: Don't sell yourself short, Dolly. You know your way around a kiss.
- Violet: Well, this may come as a shock but I was young and pretty once, like you, and equipped with just as many extras.
- Violet: Now, you listen to me. You've got to stop going overboard for every man who makes you tingle. First there was that English actor who wore the sunglass monocle, and then the Academy Award winner who had you polishing his Oscar. Can't think of the others. And there was Bobo and then Rocky. And all because you can't forget George Schmidlap. What you need is a psychiatrist or a do-it-yourself couch.