- Checkroom Girl: What happened to your girlfriend's dress?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: I tore it.
- Checkroom Girl: Ooo, I like a man who knows what he wants.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Hey, Charlie, you're a married man.
- Charles Meriden: Well, don't rub it in.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: What do you make of this?
- [reads letter]
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Oh, Joe, I have the most wonderful surprise for you. It's too good to put in a letter, so you'll have to wait until I get there. It's the sort of thing you always knew might happen, but when it does you just can't believe it.
- Charles Meriden: Uh oh.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Wait a minute, there's more. I'm not going to say any more now, but honestly, Joe, it's the most wonderful surprise that ever happened to two people.
- Charles Meriden: Congratulations, you're going to have a baby.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: That's my conclusion.
- Charles Meriden: "The most wonderful thing that ever happened to two people" - outside of an income tax refund, I don't know what else it could be. Hey, sour ball, don't you want to have a baby?
- Maggie Putnam: That Stage Manager, he's right out to "Mutiny on the Bounty," domineering bully!
- Belvah: Well, there's no sense fighting him. Give a little, get a little: that's my theory.
- Belvah: It might sound corny, but, honestly, money does not buy happiness.
- Maggie Putnam: Well, in the immortal words of Joe E. Lewis, "You just give me the money, baby, I'll do my own shopping."
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Obviously, you're interested in money. So, how much would it cost for one hour of your time?
- Maggie Putnam: A million dollars.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: I'll give you five bucks, cash.
- Maggie Putnam: Don't bother. I'm busy.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: How about six?
- Maggie Putnam: I was just saying that the air from the river is the best! It's so clean and invigorating.
- Alwin Ashley: Well, perhaps you'd come over and help me enjoy it later tonight?
- Maggie Putnam: Well, that would hardly be proper.
- Alwin Ashley: Well, I know; but, there's no fun in being proper. It's very dull.
- Maggie Putnam: Oh, yes, that's true; but, a girl must think of appearances, Mr. Ashley.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Say, how about you and me going someplace where we can have some privacy?
- Maggie Putnam: Tell me something, what does it take to convince you you're not wanted? A gun?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Hey, now, just a minute. You get yourself all fixed up, you borrow a pretty dress, and what for? To attract a man, right? Well, okay, so, you attracted one. I'm sorry if I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry I'm not the King of Europe. You don't have that much to beef about.
- Redhead Chorus Girl: Hi, soldier. How's your wild blue yonder?
- Maggie Putnam: I assume you're a bachelor?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Devout.
- Maggie Putnam: What's your excuse?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Well, let's see, I think it's just because I keep falling in love with girls that I don't like.
- Maggie Putnam: What are you doing?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: I want to find out something.
- Maggie Putnam: Yeah, what-what-what, what is it?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: It's all right. Now, just relax. Hold still... this is nothing but research.
- Maggie Putnam: Not-not-not...
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Pure research.
- Maggie Putnam: Don't you do it.
- [Joe leans in for a long, first kiss]
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Man, I sure found out.
- Maggie Putnam: Your certainly not going to be a bore. You'll probably turn out to be charming and interesting and all kinds of fun and I'll probably fall for you. Darn it! Just my lousy luck!
- [leans in and gives Joe multiple kisses]
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Maggie, listen, about that surprise you had, can we talk about it now?
- Maggie Putnam: Oh, it's a gasser!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Why didn't you write about it in your letters to me?
- Maggie Putnam: Because, I wanted to be with you and watch you flip!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Now, listen, folks, we gotta - don't take your coat off - we got to get this party over with early; because, Maggie just has to get to the foam rubber - the bed, here.
- Charles Meriden: I only saw one letter. "The most wonderful surprise that ever happened to two people." Well, what's that supposed to be? A cure for dandruff?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Everything all right now?
- Maggie Putnam: Mmm-hmm. Everything always seems all right when you're kissing me.
- Maggie Putnam: Now, let's get one thing settled. I'm not going to be ordered around by any sub-normal, self-important army official.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Now, wait a minute. It's not that simple. You're not a civilian any more, Maggie. You've got to take orders or else.
- Maggie Putnam: All right, I'll take or else.
- Maggie Putnam: I'm conceited, egoistic, vain, whatever you want to call it. But, I'm not ordinary.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: But, to me you're not ordin- ordinary. To you, you're not ordinary. But, honey, believe me, to the Air Force, you're ordinary.
- Maggie Putnam: It wouldn't prove anything if we stayed married just because we like to sleep together! I want more from a marriage than that. A lot more!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Well how can you get anything from a marriage if you don't live together as man and wife?
- Maggie Putnam: Joe, I've got to be certain I don't stay with you for the wrong reasons.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: All right, now, wait-wait-wait...
- Maggie Putnam: Now, you mustn't make love to me! If you do, I'll leave.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Oh, this is murder.
- Maggie Putnam: Now, yes, well, I better leave. I really better.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: No! No, no, wait! You win. Anything you say, now. Have it your way. Now, now go to bed. I won't bother ya. I may cry a little bit during the night; but, I won't bother you.
- Lt. McCann: Where's Fitzpatrick?
- Charles Meriden: He's taking a cold shower, Lieutenant.
- Lt. McCann: Again? That's the third time today.
- Charles Meriden: Well, some guys like to be clean.
- Lt. McCann: Psychos.
- Lt. McCann: Now, what's this all day shower routine?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: I don't know, Lieutenant. It must be the heat. It's been gettin' me lately.
- Lt. McCann: Well, take your salt pills.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Yes, sir.
- Maggie Putnam: First class is better than third class. That's not a delusion.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Now, listen, wait a minute. I eat as well and I sleep as well as any millionaire. And, as a matter of fact, I have twice as many laughs. There's nothing third class about that.
- Maggie Putnam: You're pretty.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: And easy to get too! As a matter of fact, you might even get...
- Maggie Putnam: No suggestive remarks, please.
- Maggie Putnam: I'm warning you, that judo session you put me through this morning is something I do not want repeated.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: When a husband leaves for work, it's only natural to want to kiss his wife goodbye.
- Maggie Putnam: It's not natural to kiss anyone goodbye until you put your clothes on.
- Maggie Putnam: Talk about a one track mind! Joe, our marriage is all wrong.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Oh, come on, now. Any marriage is wrong when you take the *sex* out of it! What's the matter? Are you smarter than Freud?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Maggie, will you stop this nonsense?
- Maggie Putnam: Me! All I asked is to forget about sex for one single month! And it's only two days and already you're acting like some kind of - - an animal. It's disgusting!
- Antonio Soriano: Such a beautiful thing. Such lines. Such - well, it destroys me. I'm in love.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: With an automobile for a change? You know, Antonio, I'm glad I'm not in love with you. I'd hate to compete with an automobile.
- Antonio Soriano: My dear, Marquesa, you need never fear competition from automobiles. They are so much harder to park.
- McVey: Flagrant ostentatious display of American wealth is very poor propaganda, Tim. The Ambassador is quite disturbed about it.
- Maj. Gen. Tim O'Connell: Sergeant, that car of yours is creating a problem.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: How, sir?
- Maj. Gen. Tim O'Connell: The State Department here feels it's a little too - splendiferous.
- Maggie Putnam: He's the best bullfighter in the world and he's fighting tomorrow and before the fight, we're invited to his apartment to watch him get dressed.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Watch him get dressed? Who wants to watch a man get dressed?
- Maggie Putnam: I do!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Well, you never watch me get dressed. What is this Soriano character got that I haven't got?
- Maggie Putnam: Watching a bullfighter get dressed is a formal ceremony. It's a great honor to be invited!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Well, does he start from scratch?
- Maggie Putnam: You are impossible.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: You know, I was just thinkin', maybe this Mar-who's-it...
- Maggie Putnam: Marquesa.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Marquesa, would invite us to watch Jayne Mansfield getting dressed.
- [smiles]
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Now, that would be some ceremony!
- [laughs]
- Antonio Soriano: [sees Maggie sitting on the other side of the room] Magnificent! That girl. Never, never have I seen one so beautiful.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Oh, that's my wi...
- Antonio Soriano: I will consume her. I will devour her.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Hey, now, just a minute, Torero...
- Antonio Soriano: For such a creature, one invents a new kind of love. For 10 days - you will not believe this, for 10 days I could go without sleep. For 240 hours I could make love to her.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Now, well, so could I.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: This bullfighting, it's a rough business.
- Maggie Putnam: It doesn't seem as rough as prizefighting or football.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Oh, it's different. But, any contact sports are rough, but, they're not a matter of life and death.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: That's right. You see, this is more of a - art, than a sport.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Like a love affair.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I guess you'd call that a bodily contact sport. Certainly no sport if it isn't.
- [Maggie rolls her eyes]
- Mrs. Tappe: Dick! Dick, that is the very dress. I priced it yesterday at Parregios - $412 they were asking.
- Congressman Richard Tappe: Sure?
- Mrs. Tappe: Absolutely! 17,300 pesetas.
- Maggie Putnam: I knew I never should have married you. One little thing goes wrong and right away you lose interests in me!
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: If I had any brains, I'd swat you right up into orbit.
- Antonio Soriano: Jealousy - that's a fine tribute. When people envy me a possession, I know I'm wise to possess it.
- Antonio Soriano: Do not be distressed. Husbands are always jealous of Soriano - and they're always right.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Where can I take you?
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Some place in town where I can get a hotel room.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: How about my villa? You were invited for the weekend in any case. Surely you're not afraid of appearances?
- Antonio Soriano: Do not be sad. Let me help you not to be sad.
- Maggie Putnam: How?
- Antonio Soriano: It's easy. For a hangover, you take a little more whiskey. For a broken heart, you take a little more love.
- Maggie Putnam: Broken heart, my foot. He'll come crawling back to me on his knees! You'll see!
- Antonio Soriano: I'm already crawling on mine.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Joe, your wife is spying on us.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: Well, good for her.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Very encouraging. She must think I'm a threat.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: You know darn well you're a threat.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Do I? In any case, let's keep her thinking that way.
- Sgt. Joe Fitzpatrick: I like you very much, Marion.
- Marquesa Marion de la Rey: Like me? It's a horrible thing to say to a woman.