The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968)
Denver Pyle: Briscoe Darling
Photos
Quotes
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Briscoe Darling : Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
Dud Wash : I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
Andy Taylor : He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Briscoe Darling : One of the worst we got.
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Andy Taylor : [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
Briscoe Darling : Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.
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Barney Fife : Adios, amigo.
Briscoe Darling : [to Andy] He one of ours?
Andy Taylor : Oh, sure.
Briscoe Darling : [to Barney] More power to ya.
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Briscoe Darling : [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?
Aunt Bee Taylor : No elbows on the table.
Briscoe Darling : [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.
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[the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]
Briscoe Darling : How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
Charlene Darling : No, Paw, That one makes me cry!
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?
Briscoe Darling : He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.
Dud Wash : Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.
[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]
Dud Wash : Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.
[twists his own nose]
Briscoe Darling : Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?
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Briscoe Darling : [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.
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Barney Fife : [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.
Briscoe Darling : [to Andy] He arguin' with me?
Andy Taylor : No; he's agreein' with you.
Briscoe Darling : Just so I know where I stand.
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Dud Wash : Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!
[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]
Charlene Darling : Dud! Stop it!
Dud Wash : Aw. c'mon Charlene!
Briscoe Darling : Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.
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[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife : What was that!
Andy Taylor : I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling : Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
[Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling : Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor : Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass : Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife : Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
[another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife : Stop that!
[Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling : Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
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Briscoe Darling : I'll put on my square wheels so things don't get to movin too fast.
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Ernest T. Bass : I should have a chance to woo and charm her with my ways.
Briscoe Darling : Take a shot at him, sherif, you got a legal right.
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Briscoe Darling : You got witchery in your family!
Andy Taylor : Just a little on my mother's side
[goes to touch Briscoe on the shoulder]
Andy Taylor : Don't touch me it might be catchy!
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Andy Taylor : [Aunt Bee hits Briscoe in the hand with a spoon] It's a lot warmer today than it was yesterday.
Briscoe Darling : Warmer and more painful.
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Briscoe Darling : [Aunt Bee hits Briscoe in the hand with a spoon] For a pretty woman who reads rose poetry you sure do pack a mean spoon!
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Aunt Bee Taylor : [after Briscoe kidnaps Aunt Bee to try to get her to marry him] Oh thank goodness. Andy's here.
Briscoe Darling : Hope he brought his marryin book.
