The Absent Minded Professor (1961)

Tommy Kirk: Biff Hawk

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Quotes 

• [after having his offer rebuffed by Ned Brainard] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Well, there goes the ball game. He'll telephone Washington, and by tomorrow, this place will be swarming with sharpies.

  Biff Hawk : Supposing you did get the professor's discovery? Did you mean what you said about not closing down Medfield?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [not listening]  If they get a hold of that flying jalopy before I do, there's millions right down the drain.

  Biff Hawk : Because if you did, I've got an idea.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Quiet, son. I'm tryin' to think.

  Biff Hawk : Switch cars on him.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [still not listening]  That idiot Brainard! If he could have...

  [finally catches on to what Biff said; brightly] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : What did you say, son?

  Biff Hawk : Switch cars on him. There are other old Model T's around.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Yeah... there are, aren't there, Biffer?

  Biff Hawk : There's a fellow in Appleton that's...

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Hold it. I'm way ahead of you.

  [to Lenny] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Lenny, take the Appleton turnoff.

  [to Biff] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Hey, you know something? You're all right, son. Of course, you got a little of your mother in you, but actually, well, you're just me all over again.

• [after the basketball game, Hawk is furious about having lost the bet against Medfield when he looks out the window to see Ned Brainard flying in his Model T] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [suprised]  Biff! Come here! Come here!

  [Biff walks up next to the window] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : You see anything?

  Biff Hawk : [matter-of-factly]  Just Neddie the Nut flying his old Model T.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [bemused]  Say that again.

  Biff Hawk : Neddie the Nut flying his old Model... T!

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Yeah! And that's the genius you were calling a nut!

  Biff Hawk : Oh, yeah, in class he's been beatin' our ears about some new kind of energy. Says he's lookin' for a breakthrough. Some kinda jazz like that.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Breakthrough?

  [wondrously] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Have you any idea what that kinda jazz is worth?

• Alonzo P. Hawk : Well, I guess we shook them up a little, huh? Nobody's gonna push us around.

  Biff Hawk : You're kidding, aren't you, Pop? I mean, about closing down the college and turning the grounds into a housing tract?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Son, I'm gonna teach you some of the facts of life. The small college, like the small country store and the little drug store, they're all in the same boat. Well, they're sinking. Today is the day of the supermarkets, the super colleges. The little man is gonna get squashed.

  Biff Hawk : But you graduated from Medfield. It's your college.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : All right, so what do you want? Some total stranger to close it down? Or some loyal, friendly alumnus to take care of things?

  Biff Hawk : But isn't there something you could do? I mean, give 'em some more time on the loan or something?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Now, look, son, I'm sentimental about Medfield just like you, but it's like shooting a horse that has a broken leg. I want to do it to put it out of its misery. Now, if I happen to make a few extra bucks on the side, well, that's just something you're going to have to learn to accept.

  Biff Hawk : Yes, sir.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Oh, about the game tonight. Has the word gotten around that you're not playing?

  Biff Hawk : Not that I know of. Not yet.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [to driver]  Say, Lenny, see what the point spread is on the Medfield/Rutland game tonight, will you?

  Lenny : How much you wanna go for?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Oh, whatever the traffic will bear. 8,000 or 10,000 bucks.

  Biff Hawk : Pop, you're not betting on Medfield? Without me on the team, we'll get murdered.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Who said I'm betting on Medfield?

  Biff Hawk : You're not betting *against* us?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Now, son, we have access to some very valuable information about that game tonight. There's an old saying, "It's an ill wind that doesn't blow a few extra bucks into the coffers of the Auld Lang Syne loan company." Get the point?

• [having figured out what Brainard has been doing, Alonzo and Biff show up to visit him] 

  Mrs. Chatsworth : Someone to see you, Professor.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : Oh, I can't see anybody now, Mrs. Chatsworth. What does he want?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [stepping in]  Your kind indulgence, Professor. Can you find it in your heart to forgive this hotblooded businessman?

  Prof. Ned Brainard : The hotblooded businessman who plans to tear down Medfield College? What do you want, Mr. Hawk?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [cheerily]  Wonderful things! Wonderful things for all of us! Visualize, if you will, a whole new Medfield College. Ten new buildings, 10 stories high! One building devoted entirely to science!

  [beat; Brainard remains silent] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Two, if you will?

  [still nothing] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Three? How does it sound?

  Prof. Ned Brainard : It sounds great. But, uh, just where is all this money coming from, Mr. Hawk?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [looking down at Brainard's Model T]  From a certain revolutionary discovery.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : What's so revolutionary about an old Tin Lizzie?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Nothing, unless, of course, it happens to fly.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : [playing dumb]  Fly?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Like I saw it did last night.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : [realizing the jig's up]  Oh. You saw it, huh?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [knowingly]  Uh-huh.

  Biff Hawk : Prof, I gotta hand it to you. You sure know...

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [to Biff]  Hold it! Hold it!

  [to Brainard] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Now why don't we trust each other, Professor? After all, you're a man of science, head in the clouds. I'm a down-to-Earth, dollars-and-cents man.

  Biff Hawk : That's right. My pop always says he can smell a buck 10 miles...

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [to Biff]  I'LL DO THE TALKING, SON! That's a good boy.

  [to Brainard] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : There's a million angles to this. The government! The space age! What they wouldn't give to get their sticky hands on this little tin --

  [Alonzo tries to touch the car, but Brainard deflects him from doing so] 

  Alonzo P. Hawk : That's where I come in. When I get through talking with them, they'll come crawling to us on their knees with bags of money, barrels of money!

  Prof. Ned Brainard : Mr. Hawk, let me get this straight. You want me to turn my discovery over to you so you can blackmail our government?

  Alonzo P. Hawk : All right then, look at it this way. Medfield College can grow and prosper, or it can wither and die on the vine. That's entirely up to you.

  Prof. Ned Brainard : I see. Mr. Hawk, I want to thank you for dropping by. You've made up my mind for me.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : Now you're talking!

  Prof. Ned Brainard : I'm going to call the President.

  Alonzo P. Hawk : [amused]  Daggett? He don't cut any ice!

  Prof. Ned Brainard : The President of the United States. Is that enough ice for you?