- Motorcycle Cop: I want to see everybody's license! I want to see your driver's license, pilot license, transport license, hangar license, building license and see your license license. And everybody everywhere is under arrest!
- Sylvia Broderick: [to Frank] Are you asking me to go back to the same lousy life I had ten years ago before I had this lousy life?
- Helen Gurley Brown: Take me to Fiji!
- Rudy: Fiji?
- Helen Gurley Brown: Yes, Fiji! Where the women are women and the men are worms!
- Rudy: Well, if you're really serious, I'll wiggle along.
- The Chief: Stand up Bob and let me thank you from the heart for living down to my expectations. If there is a dirtier mind than yours in the whole field of magazine publishing or a nature more vulgar and corrupt, well, I'd like to know where it is.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Does your husband Frank come home to you every night?
- Susan: [pretending to be Mrs. Broderick] Well... I don't know.
- Helen Gurley Brown: You don't?
- Susan: No, because, you see, I don't go home every night.
- Bob Weston: Gretchen, let me ask you something. If you were as pure as the driven snow...
- Gretchen: Honey, I can't remember that far back.
- Frank Luther Broderick: Girls, look! It's my wife. She used to work here. She married the boss. See? If you're nice to me, maybe you can marry me.
- Helen Gurley Brown: I didn't ask them to write this, you know! Did you read what they called me?
- Dr. A.L. Chickering: [reading from STOP magazine] "She should be ashamed and millions of women should be ashamed for bringing their intimate problems to someone with all the knowledge and personal experience of a 23 year old - "
- Helen Gurley Brown: Stop! Don't you say it. The nerve of them. The gall! To call me - Dr. Helen Gurley Brown - a 23 year old - virgin!
- Rudy: Traditionally, Helen, the term is considered a compliment.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Well, not by me!
- Gretchen: Wait till you hear this!
- [singing]
- Gretchen: Mention sex, And the single girl is cool and shy, She objects, To discussing sex with any guy, You can bet, She's as interested as he, If sex was 50/50, Where would everybody be? Mention sex, And the single girl will blush a lot, Though she wrecks, Every single guy with what she's got, Then a guy she can't ignore, Tells her what she's waited for, And suddenly she's not single any more.
- Sylvia Broderick: I began calling you this afternoon!
- Frank Luther Broderick: I was with my manager! I'm coming out with a new line.
- Sylvia Broderick: Well it's about time! I'm getting sick of listening to your old one.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Oh, no, no, no. Don't be frightened. Are you really so bashful with her?
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] I'm even bashful with you.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Well, there's no need to be. See, we're holding hands and nothing is happening.
- Bob Weston: Something is happening.
- Helen Gurley Brown: You're gaining confidence and that's what's happening.
- Bob Weston: I'm gaining confidence and that's what's happening.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Rudy, stop! It's that magazine article! Before it was published, you never even thought of me as a girl.
- Rudy: That's right. I didn't. Merely as a colleague.
- Helen Gurley Brown: And now, all you want to do is bite me!
- Rudy: That's right, I do!
- Helen Gurley Brown: When I do get married, its not going to be for love or sex or romance. I can get all of those things outside of marriage - just as easily as you can.
- Rudy: Me? I'm having a terrible time!
- Helen Gurley Brown: And I shall insist on the right to have as many love affairs as I please. I'm certainly not going to sacrifice one iota of my freedom or dignity for any man.
- Sylvia Broderick: Tell me kid, why are you doing all this?
- Helen Gurley Brown: Why? Because I want to help Frank and I want to help you and - because my mother told me to.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Mrs. Broderick, your husband - is a very sick man.
- Sylvia Broderick: Yeah, he's about to pass away.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Mrs. Broderick, no! He must be handled with kid gloves.
- Sylvia Broderick: Oh, good idea! No fingerprints.
- Helen Gurley Brown: [holding a photo of Frank Broderick] Mrs. Broderick, this is not the man you're married too!
- Sylvia Broderick: Well, he's the man who's been coming here to sleep for the last 10 years.
- Helen Gurley Brown: But, this is not the man who's been coming to my office! This man is ugly!
- Sylvia Broderick: Now, just a minute, Doctor! Do not talk that way about my Frank!
- Helen Gurley Brown: The "Frank Broderick" who's been coming to my office is young and handsome and charming! He looks like Jack Lemmon!
- Sylvia Broderick: Oh, well that's Bob Weston.
- Dr. Anderson: [reading from STOP magazine] "A contemptible, lamentable hoax! Filling frustrated feminine minds with dirty delusions of grandeur." I don't like this. I don't like it at all!
- Helen Gurley Brown: Dr. Anderson, I hope you don't think that I'm happy about it! This filthy rag is using sex and me - for no better purpose than to make money!
- The Chief: Mr. Holmes, I've just read the advance copy of your new article on space travel, "Sex in a Capsule." I don't believe I'm over praising you one bit when I say that it brings the whole difficult field of science reporting to a new low.
- Bob Weston: I've got an idea for a follow-up on that kid, that Dr. Helen Brown, that'll blast every other magazine right off the news stands! It's a personal exposé right from her own lips! Does she or doesn't she? Either way it's a crummy story.
- Helen Gurley Brown: We're getting more grants and cooperation than we we ever got before. And all because I wrote that bestseller.
- Rudy: But, it has no technical value and it will be of no help to anyone in my field or yours.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Well, I didn't write the book to help us! I wrote it to help the unmarried women in this country to stop being ashamed of sex or being single. I want them to stop behaving like mice and start behaving like men!
- Bob Weston: You call me darling again and I'm going to send you to Readers Digest.
- Susan: Dr. Helen Brown says that being properly aggressive a girl can land any man she wants to!
- Bob Weston: Well, you're not a girl. You're a secretary!
- Bob Weston: [talking about Dr. Brown] I'll bet you this kid has been giving flying lessons and she's never been off the ground!
- Bob Weston: I'd like to be able to get to that broad. I need a plan! Something that's vicious, low, filthy and dirty!
- Susan: Well, you'll think of something, Angel.
- Bob Weston: Gretchen, you read this book, "Sex and the Single Girl," right? Tell me, what do you think of this Helen Gurley Brown. Is she really on the level?
- Gretchen: I don't know, honey. I don't think I've ever lived like a single girl.
- Frank Luther Broderick: Sure, I'd see anybody, I'd do anything to save my marriage! But, I just can't take the time.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Mr. Broderick, when did all this jealousy start?
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] On our honeymoon. Even before our honeymoon, I guess. She knows I used to play around a lot before we were married.
- Helen Gurley Brown: How does she know?
- Bob Weston: She was the one I used to play around a lot with.
- Helen Gurley Brown: You're a very good looking man, Mr. Broderick.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] You're a very beautiful girl, Dr. Brown.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] She'd hit the ceiling if she thought you and me were sitting here alone. You know what she'd figure? She'd figure a broad as pretty as you has *got* to be on the make.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] Please, Doctor, don't misunderstand me. When I talk about you or any other girl, it's only as a customer. You see, I make ladies stockings and that's all I care about - is business. When I look at a woman's legs - may I see your legs, please? See, when I look at a woman's legs, I mean, beautiful.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Thank you.
- Bob Weston: But, when I look at a woman's legs, I look at them because I have to, not because I particularly want to, you know. I mean, what good is a casing without the sausage inside?
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] When I get anxious, I get scared. Because I'm scared, I get inadequate. And, because I'm inadequate, she thinks - she thinks I'm with other women. She - doesn't think that I'm inadequate. She just thinks I'm tired.
- Gretchen: Anniversaries like these always leave me with a strange kind of longing.
- Bob Weston: For marriage.
- Gretchen: Oh, no, honey! I wouldn't give up my career for marriage, kids or happiness.
- Bob Weston: Good girl, good girl!
- Helen Gurley Brown: Are you attracted to me?
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] Oh, yes, Dr. Brown. I am, I am, I am.
- George: You wouldn't let the truth stand in the way of a good story, would you?
- Bob Weston: George, you don't have to tell me anything about ethics.
- Bob Weston: That way she'll be with you all day long and she'll be able to see for herself that you're not fooling around with - any other - chicks.
- Helen Gurley Brown: I'm simply appalled at the double standard you men keep trying to impose on us women. Well, I for one, I'm simply not going to submit.
- Helen Gurley Brown: I hope you don't feel odd or anything because you're wearing a woman's robe.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] Oh, no! Not at all! In fact, I was thinking I look just like - eh - Jack Lemmon did in that movie where he dressed up like a girl. Remember?
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] Sylvia never says nice things to me. Maybe that's why I don't have the confidence.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Well, I'm gonna give you the confidence.
- Helen Gurley Brown: Now, one of the many ways to control a woman is through the power of touch. Give me your hand. Holding a woman's - or a man's - hand, in a gentle, yet, firm and caressing way says many, many things.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] I can hear them now.
- Helen Gurley Brown: There are certain erogenous areas of the body. The back and sides of the neck, for example. Do not get discouraged if you get no response from me. My neck is a dead area. However, its very much alive in over 90% of all women. I've made a statistical study.
- Bob Weston: [pretending to be Frank Broderick] You make many statistical studies, don't you, Doctor?
- Helen Gurley Brown: Oh, yes. Yes I do. Oh, yes! Kissing the ear is very helpful too. Oh, yes. I made up my mind very early that I was gonna learn all I could about love and marriage *before* I made my mistakes. Now, switch over to the other ear. By this time, in most cases, that other ear will just be begging for attention!