The Carol Burnett Show (1967–1978)
Carol Burnett: Self - Host, Various
Photos
Quotes
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as Thelma "Mama" Harper : You ain't playing with a full deck, Eunice. I think somebody blew your pilot light out!
Carol Bradford : Oh, boy. That's a new one, Mama!
as Thelma "Mama" Harper : You wait, there's more, Eunice!
Carol Bradford : Oh, no!
as Thelma "Mama" Harper : You know what? You've got splinters in the windmills of your mind! You're playing hockey with a warped puck!
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Mickey Hart : I was at this freak show one time and I saw these Siamese elephants.
Mickey Hart : [Audience is in hysterics, and Burnett, Lawrence, Conway and Van Dyke are trying but failing to stay in character. Just as Burnett is almost able to continue the sketch he starts again and she is visibly thrown off] They was joined at the trunk like that. And their trainer would make them stand up on their back feet like that, and they'd have their trunks stretched out like that. Then this little monkey would come out...
Mickey Hart : [Burnett is desperately trying not to laugh] Walk out there and dance the merengue out there. I kind of felt sorry for them, they couldn't go like the other elephants when they go 'PHRRRRR!' All they could do is just blow and go 'FSNORKN!'
[the others are desperately trying to stay in character]
Mickey Hart : One would sneeze, the other's eyes would get real big!
Eunice : [Burnett's a complete mess by this point but tries to move it along] Go on, Mama.
as Thelma "Mama" Harper : [In character] You sure that little asshole's through?
[Total chaos erupts with the audience and all the players cracking up laughing]
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Carol Bradford : When we were first married you wanted my meatloaf five nights a week.
Roger Bradford : When we were first married there were a lot of things I wanted five nights a week.
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Reginald : [To Gwendolyn] Now listen to me, you little fool. As far as everyone is concerned, father's death was purely...
Ms. Marble : [Ms. Marble in the background] Murder!
Reginald : [Nervous] Murder? Murder, you say?
Ms. Marble : [Comes into the living room] Murder, murder, murder. Bloody, bloody murder.
Gwendolyn : You mean to say our father was murdered?
Ms. Marble : No, I mean to say my girdle is killing me.
Reginald : Ms. Marble, I really must insist you stop snooping around. I simply will not tolerate a busybody.
Ms. Marble : Busybody? Busybody, you say? My body hasn't been busy in over 40 years.
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as Thelma "Mama" Harper : [in an outtake of the "Sorry!" sketch] You are really nuts, you know it? One of these days they're gonna come over here and just lock you up.
Eunice : You lay off of me!
as Thelma "Mama" Harper : You aren't playing with a full deck Eunice. I think you done sprung a leak in your dinghy. What is the problem Eunice, is it your time of month or something, you riding the cotton pony?
as Thelma "Mama" Harper : [Audience erupts into laughter, and Eunice is obviously thrown off guard] Look at me Eunice!
[grabs her arm and tries to make Eunice look at her]
Eunice : [completely unable to control her cracking up] Oh, please!
Eunice : [finally regaining her composure but still reeling] You got any more of those Mama, you better say 'em now.
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Host , Jim Nabors : [Singing] Took us in a trip in this million dollar chicken coop.
Jim Nabors : I'll bet they'd like to put our names up in lights.
Host : You could do Shakespeare, you look stunning in tights.
Jim Nabors : Watch it.
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Hallaba : You're going to be bitten by a verevolf.
Mrs. Cunningham : A verevolf?
[Screams]
Hallaba : Yes. Bevare the volfman will bite you tonight. Oy, are you gonna get it.
Mrs. Cunningham : Oh, no! Is a verevolf bite painful?
Hallaba : It's about the same as the bite from a wampire.
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Tim Conway : [after her grilling him and implying a wrong number was a signal from another woman] Look, there's no girl, there's nobody waiting or anything, that was a wrong number, you understand? Now why in your wildest imagination would I even wanna mess around with another woman? You know I love you. For crying out loud. Get to sleep will ya?
Host : Honey, I'm sorry. I guess I'm... just jealous.
Tim Conway : Oh, there's no reason to be. I love you, now you just go to sleep, all right? I gotta get up early.
Host : I love you too, and I'm sorry.
Tim Conway : It's all right, don't worry.
Host : [she falls asleep, he gets up, takes off his pyjamas, revealiing he was wearing day clothes and tries to sneak out the door when she pulls a shotgun on him] You open that door and I'll blow you in half!
[he goes to the window and gives a 'it's off' signal]
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Hallaba : [Is going to tell Mrs. Cunningham's fortune] Your hands please. Your left hand shows your past. Your right hand shows your future.
[Mrs. Cunningham gives her her right hand, but Hallaba slaps it away]
Hallaba : Give me your left hand. I want to look at your past. Ohhhh!
[She covers her mouth, smiling]
Mrs. Cunningham : What is it? What do you see?
Hallaba : Last night. Moshimomoshivo!
Mrs. Cunningham : [Looks embarrassed] What about the future?
Hallaba : [Looks at her left hand] Ohhhh! You're a dead duck!
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Eunice Harper : I spend my entire life in this two by four shack, taking care of those two kids and then you come home Ed and what do you do? Look at me, Ed, what do you do? You fill your stomach and then you watch the t.v. and then you fall asleep. Oh, once in a while you might feel a little bit romantic and that's supposed to be some big thrill for me! I practically had to get down on my hands and knees tonight to beg you to play a simple little parlour game of Sorry! just so I can have some fun with this impossible old woman! And then what do you do to me? You scoff at me, you jeer at me, you laugh at me, make fun of me, you tease me, and on top of all that you take my little yellow men!
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Host : [during a sketch where they receive a wrong number call, and she's giving him the third degree] He's not my friend.
Tim Conway : He's not?
Tim Conway : No.
Host : But you said they didn't say anything.
Tim Conway : They didn't.
Host : Then how do you know it's a he?
Tim Conway : I don't.
Host : But you just said 'he's not my friend'.
Tim Conway : It's just a figure of speech when you say that. See, what I should have said was 'whoever it was didn't say anything'.
Host : Then why didn't you say that?
Tim Conway : I don't know. I wish I would've.
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Housekeeper : [After the Cunningham's have entered a scary castle] Go away. For three hundred years, no strange person has been inside this castle.
Mrs. Cunningham : You wanna bet?
