- Foster Twelvetrees: Do I play the piano? Does Paganini play the trumpet?
- Verity Henderson: Do you play by ear?
- Foster Twelvetrees: No, I'm going to use my fingers.
- [Foster arrives at a remote country house]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Yoo-hoo! I'm here... the entertainment's arrived! I've played empty houses before, but blimey...
- [referring to the lady of the manor's pet rabbits]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Look at their little noses twitching, wonderful sense of smell, you know. I could smell them before I came round the corner... Look at them, what a lovely pair. May I stroke them? I meant the rabbits!
- Reggie Henderson: Damn moron!
- Foster Twelvetrees: Now watch it, mate!
- Reggie Henderson: The man's a cretin!
- Foster Twelvetrees: That's better.
- [commenting on the table wine]
- Foster Twelvetrees: It's a bit dry for my taste. I prefer it a bit... wetter.
- [Verity faints while Foster is giving a recitation from Dickens' "The Old Curiosity Shop"]
- Foster Twelvetrees: I was just giving her my "Little Nell."
- Reggie Henderson: You filthy swine!
- [talking in his sleep]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Oh... no. Melanie, don't... you mustn't... I'm saving myself for Miss Right.
- [loud knocking]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Oh, no... oh Melanie...
- [more knocking, he wakes]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Eh? Oh! They won't let you enjoy anything in this house.
- [unpacking in his room, Frankie sets up a load of photographs of himself]
- Foster Twelvetrees: Not bad for 32.
- [upon being rescued from a meat cleaver-wielding maniac]
- Foster Twelvetrees: If you hadn't come in, it would have been Sixtrees!
- [to the coachman who abandons him a half mile from the menacing country house]
- Foster Twelvetrees: I hope your whip shrivels!