Lenny (1974)

Dustin Hoffman: Lenny Bruce

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Quotes 

• Lenny Bruce : What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? ''Fuck you, mister!'' That's really weird, because if l wanted to hurt you, l should say, ''Unfuck you, mister'' Because ''fuck you'' is really nice, man.

• Lenny Bruce : l'm not anti-Christ or anti-religion, l just think it's encouraging that people are leaving the Church and going back to God.

• Lenny Bruce : Deny it. Flat out - deny it! If you really love your wife, deny it. If they got pictures, deny it.

  Honey Bruce : lt bugged me at first. You know, it, it hurt.

  Lenny Bruce : If they walk in on you, deny it. Just say this strange chick came into the apartment shivering with a sign around her neck that said, ''l have malaria. Lie on top of me and keep me physically active or l'll die.''

  Honey Bruce : Later, l found out a lot about why he did things like that.

  Lenny Bruce : And chances are, man... they'll believe it. Do you know why?

  The Interviewer : To prove himself.

  Honey Bruce : Needed to prove himself.

  Lenny Bruce : Because they wanna believe it.

• Lenny Bruce : Eleanor Roosevelt gave Lou Gehrig the clap. She also gave it to Chiang Kai-shek. And he gave it to J Edgar Hoover, man - which is how it really spread.

• Lenny Bruce : [reading from "Time" magazine]  ''Sick comic Lenny Bruce whose jokes about the President... '' Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what's sick? Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a *week* in Las Vegas, Nevada. And schoolteacher salaries in that state, top salary is $6,000 a year. Now, that's really sick! And that's the kind of ''sick'' l wish they would have written about.

• Lenny Bruce : Are there any niggers here tonight? Can you turn on the house lights, please, and could the waiters and waitresses just stop serving, just for a second? And turn off the spot. Now what did he say? ''Are there any *niggers* here tonight?'' I know there's one nigger here; because, l see him back there working. Let's see. There's two niggers. And between those two niggers sits a kike. And there's another kike. That's two kikes and three niggers. And there's a spic, right? Hm? There's another spic. Ooh, there's a wop. There's a Polack. And then, oh, a couple of greaseballs. There's three lace-curtain lrish Micks. And there's one hip, thick, hunky, funky boogie. Boogie, boogie. Mm-mm. l got three kikes. Do l hear five kikes? l got five kikes. Do l hear six spics? Six spics. Do l hear seven niggers? l got seven niggers. Sold: American! l'll pass with seven niggers, six spics, five Micks, four kikes, three guineas, and one wop. You almost punched me out, didn't ya? l was trying to make a point and that is it's the suppression of the *word* that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig. lf President Kennedy would just go on television and say l'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet. And if he'd just say ''nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger to every nigger he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger till nigger didn't mean anything any more! Then you'd never be able to make some six year old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger in school.

• Lenny Bruce : That's where the conflict starts! We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and $500-a-night hooker.

• Chinese Waiter : Here the fortune cookie, and say ''hello'' to her. She a wonderful wife.

  Lenny Bruce : We're divorced.

  Chinese Waiter : You're better off.

• Lenny Bruce : And it just cracks me up that we try so desperately to be unique when we're all the same cat - Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, me, you, every cat has got that one chick who really busted up his ass!

• Lenny Bruce : There's no bigger test of how hip you really are than when your girlfriend becomes your wife.

• Lenny Bruce : l'm a hustler. As long as they give, l'll grab.

• Lenny Bruce : l am *totally* corrupt. l mean, really! My whole act. My whole economic success, whatever that is, is based *solely* on the existence of segregation, violence, despair, disease and injustice. And if, by some miracle, the whole world were suddenly tranquil, pure, l'd be standing on an unemployment line somewhere. So you see, l'm not a moralist. lf l were, l'd be donating my salary to those schoolteachers. Right?

• Lenny Bruce : Please! Don't take away my words! They're just words! l'm not hurting anybody!

• Lenny Bruce : l am of Semitic background. l'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and l know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, l don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? ''Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers.'' All right, l'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, l did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: ''We killed him'', signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the 50 last years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks.

• Lenny Bruce : There he stands in his underwear, pleading like a dummy: ''Please, will you touch it once? You never touch it any more. Just once.''

• Lenny Bruce : Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, l know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?

• Lenny Bruce : OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if l had to make a choice, man, l would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "King of Kings". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. lf you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt, but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie.

• Lenny Bruce : Let's hear it for Miss Baby Babylon and her bobbling boobies! Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a nice big welcome to Miss Wanda and her bird.

  [laughs] 

  Lenny Bruce : No, that was last week. You're gonna love this next lovely young lady, whoever she is, so let's really welcome her because she'll thrill you down to your thriller! Ladies and gentlemen, whatever her name is, a big hand. Let's hear it! And l bid you all farewell. l'm leaving this toilet to go on and become a big star. Oh, yeah.

• Lenny Bruce : Eisenhower. All right. You students gotta stop bugging him about the bomb. He doesn't even know where they keep the bomb.

• Lenny Bruce : l really dig what they do with homosexuals in this country, man. They put 'em in prison - with a lot of other men. That's really good punishment.

• Lenny Bruce : lntegration. Actually, l do have some guilt that l don't do enough for integration. l try to do my bit, but - it just doesn't seem to be enough. You know, they asked me to make the marches, but l just couldn't make that scene, because it's always the same old crap. Ray Charles bumping into Little Stevie Wonder all day long. l mean, it's the worst!

• Lenny Bruce : You can't stop masturbating gradually. You got to do it cold turkey.

• Lenny Bruce : Married guys have to jack off more than anybody else! lt's true and it's really weird. All over the country, thousands of guys are lying on bathroom floors whacking it off to Miss December! Because the wife don't want to touch it any more.

• San Francisco Policeman : What makes you think you've got the right to say a word like that in a public place?

  Lenny Bruce : What word is that? l said a lot of words.

  San Francisco Policeman : You know what word l'm talkin' about. lt's against the law.

  Lenny Bruce : l didn't do it, man, l just said it.

  San Francisco Policeman : Yeah. lf you ever said it in front of my wife or kid, l'd punch you right out.

  Lenny Bruce : l really don't want to get emotionally involved in this.

• Lenny Bruce : You don't have to applaud! Really, it's really weird. lt's enough that you're listening. You know, it's so strange. l used to get fired for doing this, and, like, now l'm getting a following, right? Oh, come on. Oh, it's embarrassing!

• Lenny Bruce : Dirty Lenny said a dirty word.

• San Francisco Judge : It's my understanding that he has a performance on, uh... .

  Lenny Bruce : Saturday.

  San Francisco Judge : Saturday.

  Defense Attorney : Yes, sir.

  San Francisco Judge : l want to caution you right now, young man, that if l get a report that you have repeated any of this language, any of these words, you'll take the consequences. ls that clear?

  Lenny Bruce : lf l repeat what words? lt's all right. lf l repeat *what* words specifically, Your Honor?

• Lenny Bruce : l seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. l'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a ''C'' and ends with a ''G''. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, l don't relate it only to homosexuals. l relate it to any contemporary woman l know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, l'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? lt's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?

• Lenny Bruce : When l'm talking about tits and ass, l'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass!'' The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!

• Lenny Bruce : There's the city heat. There's the county heat. There's the state heat. And l even think l see two cats from lnterpol, man. And l know l saw four Mounties, man!

• Honey Bruce : What's your real name?

  Lenny Bruce : Leonard Alfred Schneider.

  Honey Bruce : Well, why did you change it?

  Lenny Bruce : Too Jewish.

  Honey Bruce : l like the name Bruce. You know, Bruce sounds like the - captain of a football team.

  Lenny Bruce : That's why l changed it, but the first guy l met whose name was Bruce - tried to kiss me.

• Lenny Bruce : Talking about it makes you the worst person in the community.

• Sally Marr : [to Honey]  Oh, now, l gotta tell you about the first time that this schmuck ever worked a club.

  Lenny Bruce : Here it comes.

  Sally Marr : Never been on stage before. l'm working this club on Ocean Parkway. The Victory Club. Ugh, what a joint. The guys were so tough, they wore wool suits in the summer.

  Lenny Bruce , Sally Marr : With no underwear.

• Honey Bruce : l don't think we can handle it.

  Lenny Bruce : Well, that's very unhip.

  Honey Bruce : Maybe l'm not hip.

• Lenny Bruce : lt's really hard when you break up with your old lady. Because, at first you think, ''Okay, man, that's groovy! Screw her, l'll really swing, man.'' But the kind of chicks you meet when you're divorced are divorced chicks, man! And they all have that six-year-old kid, right? He's like a prop from central casting. And if they don't have that kid, they have that French poodle that has to be allowed in the bedroom all the time, right? ln fact, he's on the bed when you're trying to do it, man.

• Artie Silver : They really dig you!

  Lenny Bruce : How do you know?

  Artie Silver : Because they were here last week and they think you're going to become some kind of in-thing!

  Sally Marr : Lenny an ''in-thing''?

• [last lines] 

  Lenny Bruce : Forget it. Oh, man. Forget it.

• Lenny Bruce : You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!

• Lenny Bruce : lf you notice, comics will do endless fag jokes, but never dyke jokes, man. You know why? Because dykes will really punch the shit out of ya!

• Honey Bruce : Why don't you tell me to stop?

  Lenny Bruce : Why don't you tell yourself to stop?

  Honey Bruce : Tell me.

  Lenny Bruce : Why? You obviously dig it.