- Gaetano Proclo: We used to have a guy like that back in the army. We called him "Get-Away-From-Me-Claude".
- Gaetano Proclo: Listen, there's something I have to tell you...
- Chris: You're not gay?
- Gaetano Proclo: [relieved] No!
- Chris: What, are you a social worker or something?
- Gaetano Proclo: No, but I didn't know that everyone in here was...
- Chris: GAY! See? It's not a bad word. You might try using it sometime.
- Gaetano Proclo: You mean to tell me that everyone in here is gay?
- Chris: God, I hope so. Otherwise I just paid ten dollars to walk around in a towel in front of a bunch of Shriners.
- Chris: I can't whistle.
- Carmine Vespucci: Goddamn it, you can't whistle either? I thought all dicks could whistle.
- Chris: Just "Stormy Weather."
- Chris: Margaret Dumont! I thought you were dead!
- Muscle Bound Patron: There's a reason people like me don't ride the subway. I'm looking right at him.
- Chris: Is that supposed to mean me? Screw you, honey. You can die with your secret, piss-elegant fairy! If there's anything I can't stand, it's a queen without a sense of humor.
- Gaetano Proclo: You're a good man, Abe. I'm gonna have a novena said for you when I get back to Cleveland. What's your last name? Abe what?
- Abe Lefkowitz: Lefkowitz.
- Gaetano Proclo: I'll still have a novena said for you when I get back.
- [Gaetano leaves]
- Chris: You know, I had a novena said for me once. I asked to wake up gorgeous.
- Abe Lefkowitz: So, what happened?
- Chris: Well, look at me!
- Claude Perkins: Ya really know how to mess up an act, you know that, Mister?
- Carmine Vespucci: You know what they call people like you?
- Claude Perkins: Fashionable.
- Chris: Screw you, honey. Boy, if there's one thing I can't stand it's a queen without a sense of humor. You can die with your secret... miserable piss-elegant fairy.
- Googie Gomez: [In a thick accent] One of dees days ju is going to see de name of Googie Gomez up in lights and you gonna ask to juself,
- [gasps]
- Googie Gomez: 'Was dat her?' An den ju gonna answer to juself,
- [gasps]
- Googie Gomez: 'Jes, dat was her!' Well, let me tell you something, Mister: I was ALWAYS her, jus dat nobody knows it!"
- Googie Gomez: Don't speak. Don't say nothing. Say one word, then Googie is out on her ass. She is breaking every book in the rule doing this. Do you know why you don't like women? Because you never try it, that's all. Or maybe you try it and that's why. She was a bad woman. Forget her. Believe me, Chico. It don't hurt. It's nice. You just lay back there, and Googie is going to show you how nice.
- Gaetano Proclo: You were in "The Sound of Music"?
- Googie Gomez: Oh chure.
- Gaetano Proclo: Where was this?
- Googie Gomez: Broadway, the mainest thing, where else?
- Gaetano Proclo: The original cast?
- Googie Gomez: Ha, I was more original than anyone else in it. They fired me on the first day of rehearsal, those bastards. They said I wasn't right for the part.
- Gaetano Proclo: What part was that?
- Googie Gomez: Oh, one of the f***ing Trapp kids.
- [first lines]
- Carmine Vespucci: Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women.
- Chris: There will be an orgy beginning in room 340 in exactly four minutes! Orgy in 340! Four minutes!
- Claude Perkins: [to Brick] Hey! What do you need, a brick wall to fall on your head? Resting! It's a euphemism for not interested... Skinny!
- Gaetano Proclo: My, what unusual pants. They look like cowboy chaps.
- Patron In Chaps: [fixing Gaetano with an intense stare and spoken in a rich, deep voice] They are cowboy chaps.
- Gaetano Proclo: [nervously] That's what I was thinking. They look like cowboy chaps.
- Carmine Vespucci: I need a code name.
- Chris: [excitedly] Evelyn!
- Carmine Vespucci: No. I don't like Evelyn. It sounds too effiminate.
- Chris: [in a deep voice] How about Bunny?
- Carmine Vespucci: Bunny's good.
- Patron With Cigar: Crisco.
- Gaetano Proclo: What?
- Patron With Cigar: Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. Pass it on.
- Gaetano Proclo: Pass what on?
- Patron With Cigar: Bring Joey.
- Gaetano Proclo: Who's Joey?
- Patron With Cigar: You know Joey. Don't bring Chuck. You've got that?
- Gaetano Proclo: Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. I can bring Joey but not Chuck.
- Patron With Cigar: Check.
- Gaetano Proclo: What's the matter with Chuck?
- [answer is whispered in his ear]
- Gaetano Proclo: [absolutely horrified] Chuck is definitely out!
- Patron With Cigar: [walking away] Hey, you won't be disappointed.
- Abe Lefkowitz: I thought you'd sworn off this place.
- Claude Perkins: I thought I had, too.
- Abe Lefkowitz: You got homesick for us, right?
- Claude Perkins: Well, I didn't have much choice. I've been barred from the Athenaeum.
- Abe Lefkowitz: Come on! No one gets barred from the Athenaeum.
- Claude Perkins: Well, there was this man there...
- Abe Lefkowitz: A fat man, right?
- Claude Perkins: Fat? He was the Magic Mountain! He threw me into one of my frenzies. I went beserk and kicked his door open, so they threw me out and told me never to come back again. I was willing to pay for it. I just wanted to talk to him. You know how I am.
- Small Patron: I'd prefer something on three.
- Abe Lefkowitz: [mumbling] Yeah, yeah...
- Small Patron: [to Gaetano] Did they ever put you on four? It's Siberia up there.
- Gaetano Proclo: [disappointed] You're not Joe Namath!
- Chris: Well, neither are you.
- Gaetano Proclo: I thought you were Joe Namath.
- Chris: It's the lighting.
- Gaetano Proclo: I was praying you were Joe Namath.
- Chris: I don't blame ya!
- Gaetano Proclo: I mean, you just had to be him.
- Chris: Are you eating your heart out, honey?
- Claude Perkins: [trying to seduce Gaetano] You'll never guess what I had for dinner tonight, so I'm just going to tell you.
- Gaetano Proclo: I beg your pardon?
- Claude Perkins: A nice ground-pork meatloaf with mozzarella, mashed potatoes covered with gobs of gravy, carrots floating in butter, and chunks of avocado with roquefort dressing. Couldn't you just die?
- Gaetano Proclo: [confused] I don't know what I could just.
- Claude Perkins: And then for dessert, German chocolate cake with two scoops of mocha walnut ice cream.
- Gaetano Proclo: You got a nightclub in there?
- Abe Lefkowitz: We got a nightclub, movies, swimming pool, steam room, massage table, discothèque, bridge, amateur night - and free blood tests every Wednesday.
- Chris: As strange as it may seem, no one is going to attack you.
- Gaetano Proclo: Someone already has!
- Chris: Eh, beginner's luck.
- Gaetano Proclo: I don't know what I'm doing!
- Chris: Join the club! It's like some strange heterosexual Gypsy curse was put on this place.
- Vivian Proclo: We OWN this place?
- Carmine Vespucci: Papa did a lot of expanding while you were in Cleveland.
- Chris: How is that gorgeous son of yours?
- Abe Lefkowitz: You're too late, he's getting married.
- Chris: Oh, hey, that's terrific! You give him my love, will you?
- Abe Lefkowitz: Sure thing.
- Chris: Does he need someone to practice with?
- Abe Lefkowitz: He's been practicing already. That's why he has to get married.
- Chris: Well, compared to me, Abe, she would have to be an amateur.
- Abe Lefkowitz: [Chris signs in under a false name] Ronald Reagan? Oh, come on, Chris.
- Chris: Oh, you know he used to be lovers with John Wayne.
- Abe Lefkowitz: Sure he did.
- Chris: Right after he broke up with Xavier Cugat.
- Abe Lefkowitz: People like you think the whole world is queer.
- Chris: Well, it's lucky for people like you it is.
- Chris: A gay garbage man?
- Abe Lefkowitz: You never can tell.
- Chris: That's *so* true! I mean, look at me. If you just saw me walking down the street, you'd think I was a queen.
- Abe Lefkowitz: You ever been in a place like this?
- Gaetano Proclo: Oh, sure! We got a Jack LaLanne's in Cleveland.
- Tiger: All right, fat man, leave the little guy alone. Come. Aren't you supposed to be in 210? You get up there and don't cause any more trouble. What do you think this is, a YMCA?
- Duff: Are you 210?
- Gaetano Proclo: Yeah, something like that.
- Duff: No, I meant your room.
- Gaetano Proclo: Oh, so did I.
- Gaetano Proclo: I thought that guy was taking me to my room. You don't think I went in because I wanted to?
- Duff: You trying to tell us he's a chubby chaser?
- Gaetano Proclo: A chubby what?
- Tiger: You know. It's somebody who likes...
- Gaetano Proclo: You mean, like me?
- Duff: You're right up his alley.
- Gaetano Proclo: Not so fast. What about slippers?
- Duff: Slippers?
- Gaetano Proclo: Slippers!
- Duff: Well, where do you think you are, New York Athletic Club? Slippers?
- Gaetano Proclo: Well, you could catch athlete's foot in a place like this.
- Tiger: You're lucky if that's all you catch.
- Googie Gomez: You are too guapo to be a producer.
- Gaetano Proclo: Guapo?
- Googie Gomez: Handsome.
- Gaetano Proclo: Who, me?
- Googie Gomez: Don't fight it, Chico.
- Gaetano Proclo: Believe me, you won't be happy. I won't be happy. You're making a big mistake.
- Googie Gomez: Oh! I am suddenly all woman.
- Gaetano Proclo: No, you're not. You're someone with a lot of problems.
- Googie Gomez: Aye! Make me feel like a real woman, Chico.
- Gaetano Proclo: Now, that's not my department. That's out of my hands!
- Googie Gomez: Kiss me!
- Googie Gomez: Come on, my Mr. Big Producer. You're going to love my show. I got you the best seat. I seat you ringside. We save the hanky-pank for later, huh?
- Gaetano Proclo: Hanky-pank, what?
- Googie Gomez: Googie is going to straighten you out between shows!
- Gaetano Proclo: Tiger and Duff told Googie I was Carmine Vespucci. Claude thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci. Everybody thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci.
- Chris: Well, who are you?
- Gaetano Proclo: Carmine Vespucci.
- Michael Brick: Are you Mr. Carmine Vespucci, sir?