Caddyshack (1980)
Chevy Chase: Ty Webb
Photos
Quotes
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Judge Smails : You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb : Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
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Ty Webb : Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.
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Ty Webb : For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do. I have my own standards, my own way. in everything I do. I've got my own standards, my own way.
Lacey Underall : My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Webb : Oh yeah? Your uncle molests collies.
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Carl Spackler : Your place got a pool?
Ty Webb : We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.
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[Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
Judge Smails : Can I have a word with you? ln private?
Ty Webb : Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails : Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Smails and Ty start to laugh]
Ty Webb : Let's make it $40,000.
Al Czervik : Hey, great!
Ty Webb : [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
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Ty Webb : Thank you very little.
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Ty Webb : You've got to win this hole.
Danny Noonan : I kinda thought winning wasn't important
Ty Webb : Me winning isn't. You do.
Danny Noonan : Great grammar.
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Ty Webb : I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
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Ty Webb : You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
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Ty Webb : This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler : Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb : It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler : Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
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Ty Webb : So, what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?
Lacey Underall : Daddy wanted to broaden me.
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Danny Noonan : I haven't even told my father about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb : What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan : I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb : I'm not quite sure where they are.
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Ty Webb : Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny Noonan : It's hard when you're talking like that.
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Ty Webb : Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan : No.
Ty Webb : Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan : Bob Hope?
Ty Webb : Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
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Ty Webb : I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /... What do you say we take this out on the patio?
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Danny Noonan : I gotta go to college. I gotta.
Ty Webb : Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so.
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Lacey Underall : I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb : What do you mean?
Lacey Underall : You want to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
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Judge Smails : I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik : [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails : [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik : Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper : [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik : And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb : Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.
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Lacey Underall : You're crazy!
Ty Webb : That's what they said about Son of Sam.
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Judge Smails : Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb : Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails : Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb : By height.
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Dr. Beeper : I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb : I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
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Ty Webb : [to Al Czervik] Hey, don't put yourself down. You're not, uh... you're not... you're not good. You stink.
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Ty Webb : Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik : Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb : I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik : What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb : You might say that.
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Ty Webb : Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
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Ty Webb : No one likes a tattletale, Danny... except of course, me.
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Lacey Underall : I tried calling, but don't have a listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty Webb : What spelling did you use?
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Carl Spackler : This is a hybrid. This is a cross of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bench and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff. I got pounds of this stuff. Here.
Ty Webb : No, thank you. I don't, I don't, eh...
Carl Spackler : Say, let's have a little bit of this. I made a big Bob Marley joint. Look at this. Try this
Ty Webb : Carl, I really don't do this very often.
Carl Spackler : You'll love it. This is dynamite. Watch out for this.
Ty Webb : Well, maybe one drag.
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Lacey Underall : What do you do for excitement?
Ty Webb : Oh, l - play a lot of golf.
Lacey Underall : Golf?
[laughs]
Lacey Underall : Nixon plays golf. I bet you got a lot of interesting stories about your ball landing in the road.
Ty Webb : So what do you do?
Lacey Underall : I enjoy - skinny-skiing, going to bullfights on acid.
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Lacey Underall : Who's you decorator? Benihana?
Ty Webb : No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall : You were in the war?
Ty Webb : [limping and patting his hip] No... homo. Much better now, though.
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Ty Webb : I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.
Lacey Underall : Don't even think about it!
Ty Webb : I'm just going to eat these. But, I want you to know about it. It's like acupressure but it's acupuncture. The slightest - prick and you wouldn't even know -...
Lacey Underall : I'll kill you!
Ty Webb : No, I did not do that. See. You feel looser?
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Ty Webb : Actually, Judge, I think it's up to us to pick our substitute.
Judge Elihu Smails : Well, who do you want?
Ty Webb : Sonja Henie's out. We'll take Danny Noonan.
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Ty Webb : Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey Underall : Anything, anything.
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Ty Webb : Let me just clean this up here.
[lift up bow and arrow]
Ty Webb : Getting ready for the season.
Lacey Underall : Duck?
Ty Webb : No... dolphin.
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Ty Webb : The shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the complete and opposite direction.
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Ty Webb : You know what this is called in the East?
Lacey Underall : Mmm, what?
Ty Webb : It's the "Big Rub." You're very - very small-breasted. Just kidding, come on. I'll work my way down. This is the lsle of Wight. Careful. I'll move right down the Taconic Parkway, over to your clavula...
Lacey Underall : Will you get serious?
Ty Webb : That's a very "in" thing to say.
Lacey Underall : Yes, I know. Ow! That hurts!
Ty Webb : That's alright. Don't - you're blocking! You're blocking. You're blocking. Just hold on to your choppers. I'll just get a little more oil on us. There you go. Oh, now I've done it. You get that away from you. Oh, I'm sorry. It's like reaching under the rug, isn't it.
