Caddyshack (1980)

Rodney Dangerfield: Al Czervik

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Czervik : [to his Asian companion]  I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

• [last lines] 

  Al Czervik : Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

• Al Czervik : Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

  [looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat] 

  Al Czervik : Oh, it looks good on you though.

• Al Czervik : Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

• Al Czervik : Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

• Al Czervik : [after an airplane passes just above his head]  I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!

• Al Czervik : Hey, loosen up, will ya? You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

• [Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match] 

  Judge Smails : Can I have a word with you? ln private?

  Ty Webb : Sure thing, Judge.

  Judge Smails : Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

  [Smails and Ty start to laugh] 

  Ty Webb : Let's make it $40,000.

  Al Czervik : Hey, great!

  Ty Webb : [to a glaring Smails]  You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

• Tony D'Annunzio : [carrying Czervik's golf bag]  What do you got in here, rocks?

  Al Czervik : Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!

  Tony D'Annunzio : [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated]  So what?

  Al Czervik : So what?

  [opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio] 

  Al Czervik : So let's dance!

  [turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume] 

• Al Czervik : Look at that one. The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

• Al Czervik : [31:01]  Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

• [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches] 

  Al Czervik : Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?

  [Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously] 

  Al Czervik : ...let's go while we're young!

  Judge Smails : Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.

  Al Czervik : ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!

  Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

  [the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration] 

  Al Czervik : Okay, you can owe me!

  Judge Smails : [mad]  I owe you nothing!

• Judge Smails : You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!

  Al Czervik : A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!

• Al Czervik : He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

• Al Czervik : [drops his bow anchor on Judge Smails' sailboat, sinking it]  Hey, you scratched my anchor!

• [after the gopher takes his ball] 

  Al Czervik : Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball.

• Judge Smails : I demand satisfaction.

  Al Czervik : [mocking]  You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

  Judge Smails : [laughs]  Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

  Al Czervik : Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

  Dr. Beeper : [mortified]  I beg your pardon!

  Al Czervik : And I'll take Ty, here.

  Ty Webb : Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

• Al Czervik : Hey, Smails! My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!

• Al Czervik : [tees off]  Fore!

  [his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch] 

  Al Czervik : I should have yelled, "Two!"

• Ty Webb : Guys, don't include me in this.

  Al Czervik : Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.

  Ty Webb : I don't play golf, for money, against people.

  Al Czervik : What are you, religious or something?

  Ty Webb : You might say that.

• Al Czervik : Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate!

• [Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome] 

  Al Czervik : Let's go, while we're young!

• Al Czervik : Hey, Kid park my car, get my bags... and put on some weight will ya?

• Judge Elihu Smails : You're no gentleman!

  Al Czervik : I'm no doorknob either, alright?

• Al Czervik : How are you, boys? Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat?

  Judge Elihu Smails : You! You! You have worn out your welcome at Bushwood, sir!

  Al Czervik : Is that so? Well, who made you Pope of this dump? Huh?

  Judge Elihu Smails : Bushwood - a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!

  Al Czervik : A member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!

  Judge Elihu Smails : Su..su..su..su..su...

  Al Czervik : That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.

• Al Czervik : No respect.

• Al Czervik : What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

  Judge Smails : Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

  Al Czervik : I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

  Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

  [Swings club, slices ball into woods] 

  Judge Smails : *Damn*.

  Al Czervik : OK, you can owe me.

  Judge Smails : I owe you nothing.

• Al Czervik : Hey! Can you make a Bullshot?

  Tony D'Annunzio : Can you make a shoe smell?

  Al Czervik : Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

• Al Czervik : That kangaroo stole my ball.

• Al Czervik : I should have stayed home and played with myself!