Stir Crazy (1980)
Richard Pryor: Harry Monroe
Photos
Quotes
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Skip Donahue : What are you doing?
Harry Monroe : I'm gettin bad. You better get bad, Jack, 'cause if you ain't bad, you're gonna get fucked.
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Big Mean : Short ass son of a bitch, ain't you?
Harry Monroe : [shaking] Oh, I'm a short son of a bitch. My father was a short son of a bitch too. My mother was shorter than him. And my brother was real short and we couldn't even see him. He was a short son of a bitch.
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Harry Monroe : I'm a clown, see? I shoot the firecrackers and the soda water. There's a little car that pulls up and there's supposed to be like 10 midgets in it. They all get out...
Blade : That ain't no rodeo clown! A rodeo clown is the most *dangerous* job in the world! He's the one that gets *closest* to the bull. He gets the *best* of the bull! *Hook* to the left! *Hook* to the side! If the bull rider is in *danger*, he's gotta protect him! Even if it means gettin' his *ribs* pulled out and bein' freight-trained.
Harry Monroe : Freight-trained!
Blade : That's right. Run over, just like a freight train, only with a *bull*, it's worse! Cause a freight train don't back up and finish the job. Later on I'll show you the proper way to lie on the stretcher when they come to pick you up.
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Harry Monroe : A hundred and twenty five years... Oh God, Oh God... I'll be a hundred and sixty one when I get out.
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Skip Donahue : This filthy, roach-ridden reality is inspiring... what did that second policeman say to you when he grabbed you by the throat?
Harry Monroe : Man, I don't fucking believe you!
Skip Donahue : "Man, I don't fucking believe you!" Fabulous!
Harry Monroe : You don't get it, Skip, do ya? You think this is The Count Of Monte Cristo or something, man? We're in trouble. This is the real deal! We're in deep shit!
Skip Donahue : Harry, you and I are innocent. You know that. I know that. And somewhere outside, the two guys who really pulled that bank job know it too.
Harry Monroe : But, the cops don't know it!
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Harry Monroe : [whimpering] Pillow... I want my pillow.
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Harry : Geez, what's wrong with him?
Young Man in Hospital : Oh, that's Johnson. He's on a hunger strike so they are force-feeding him to keep him alive.
Harry : At least there's some humanity here.
Young Man in Hospital : They're going to electrocute him next week.
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Harry Monroe : [jive walking into a crowded jail cell] That's right. That's right. We bad. That's right. We don't want no shit either. That's right!
Skip Donahue : Darn right.
Harry Monroe : We don't want not shiiiiiit! You understand. We don't take too much shit. We take a little bit. We don't take a bunch of it.
Skip Donahue : Damn right!
Harry Monroe : That's right.
[to Skip]
Harry Monroe : Say, no shit.
Skip Donahue : No - shit!
Harry Monroe : That's right.
[to Skip]
Harry Monroe : No shit. Try it again.
Skip Donahue : We don't take no shit.
Harry Monroe : Shit.
Skip Donahue : No shit, writ.
Harry Monroe : Shiiit!
Skip Donahue : We ain't shit!
Harry Monroe : You better believe it, baby.
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Big Mean : What's the charge?
Harry Monroe : Innocent.
Big Mean : Ain't we all?
Harry Monroe : Bank robbery?
Big Mean : Oh, shit.
Harry Monroe : Ooooh, shit!
Big Mean : You can kiss the baby.
Harry Monroe : Kiss the baby?
Skip Donahue : [to Big Mean] What baby is that sir?
Big Mean : Ask your lawyer.
[laughs and walks away]
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Blade : Now every bull has a secret word that makes him crazy and sends him into his craziest ride,. Your job is to figure out that word.
Harry Monroe : Bull... uh... let's see. Uh... Rumplestiltskin. Uh... malt liquor... come on, bull.
[whistles and makes kissing noises]
Harry Monroe : Come on, bull. Uh... woof, woof! Uh...
[makes clicking sound with tongue]
Harry Monroe : ... hey, sexy... hee-hee... shit!
[Bull bellows and charges at Harry]
Harry Monroe : [Running away from bull] Oh, you motherfucker!
Blade : Congratulations, you found the word!
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Harry Monroe : This is '65 African Ganja - from the motherland! Do you understand? It's been soaked in the earth, back home! This is mean! One joint of this put Southern California to sleep back in '65. Did you know there was a revolution in '65? We went to sleep and missed it! Because, of this! This is green! This is bad!
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Young Man in Hospital : What you in for, brother?
Harry Monroe : There's got to be some kind of confusion. They say my appendix grew back; but, I had it taken out years ago. What about you?
Young Man in Hospital : I came in for a hernia operation. They cut off one of my nuts by mistake.
Harry Monroe : Say what!
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Sissie : Harry, what is this?
Harry Monroe : That's personal.
Sissie : What is it?
Harry Monroe : That ain't oregano.
Sissie : [to her helper] You put this in the veal?
Cook's Helper : And the soup.
Sissie : No!
Cook's Helper : And the salad.
Sissie : Lord have mercy!
[smells it]
Sissie : Grass!
Harry Monroe : My grass. Jesus! You cooked half my stash!
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Sissie : Mrs. R.H. was my best customer, too!
Harry Monroe : Yeah, well I was James' best customer. That's the guy who sold me this African Ganja '65! Do you understand what you've done to me? My girlfriend, Caroline, just for a little bit of this, was not only going to let me have her mind and her body; but, two of her girlfriends!
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Minister : I'm feeling something very strange.
Joy : That's my leg.
[Minister removes his hand and Joy moves it back]
Joy : Oh, that's alright. Hit 'em again, Harry.
Harry Monroe : Yes, ma'am.
[pours more champagne]
Harry Monroe : Hitting again, Father.
Minister : I never felt like this before. I'm - I'm...
Joy : Horny? That which reminds me, there's something I've always wanted to ask someone like you. Do you get much?
Minister : Not too often. Just an occasional glass at dinner.
Harry Monroe : That's not what she meant.
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Skip Donahue : Did you sleep any better last night?
Harry Monroe : No. I got a couple of winks between nightmares.
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Rory : That's Blade. He runs the third world side of Cell Block 2. My dear, till Grossberger came along he held the axe murder record in the south-west! He's the one I'm gonna get you the cheeseburger from. How do you like it, medium?
Harry Monroe : Oh no, I don't want no cheeseburger, I'm trying to, er, keep my weight down.
Rory : Don't worry about him, I'll protect you. I'll protect you!
Harry Monroe : I'm getting a little podge.
Rory : For some reason I make him uneasy!
[Waves in a very camp manner toward Blade]
Harry Monroe : I wonder why? Hi
[waves at Blade]
Harry Monroe : . I'm going!
[Calls after Skip]
Harry Monroe : Skip my friend.
[Then, to Rory]
Harry Monroe : Excuse me would you?
Rory : I'll come with you.
Harry Monroe : Awwwww... shit!
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Skip Donahue : Okay, just picture this. You and me - and two girls. Romping through the desert. Splashing into the ocean. And the moonlight is out. And, we just catch a glimpse of their bodies when the moonlight hits their breasts. And we watch those breasts just bounce gently - to and fro.
Harry Monroe : And sand?
Skip Donahue : After the water, we go on the sand; but, we'll have a blanket.
Harry Monroe : Seriously, man.
Skip Donahue : You tell me I'm serious! That's what I'm trying to tell ya!
Harry Monroe : Let's go!
Skip Donahue : Okay! California! Here I come!
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Harry Monroe : Walking through the desert, alright. But, I don't see no naked women!
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Korean Doctor : [to Harry] Mr. Frasier, how you go?
Young Man in Hospital : That's the cat that did me.
Harry Monroe : Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
[runs out of the hospital]
Young Man in Hospital : Make sure you cover up your jewels!
Harry Monroe : Nooo! Ahhhhh!
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Blade : What you doin' joinin' the rodeo? A city dude like you, suckin' up to the Warden!
Skip Donahue : He's not sucking up to the Warden. He's just having a little fun. We showed some aptitude for this, that's all.
Blade : Aptitude? You hear that?
Rory : Why don't you lay off him Blade. The man's just doin' what he gotta do! They were going to cut the dude's nuts off! Ain't that right, Harry?
Harry Monroe : I don't want to discuss my nuts.
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Skip Donahue : She's not for you.
Harry Monroe : What do you mean, she's not for me?
Skip Donahue : Harry, Nancy is a fascinating girl. She may be the single hottest girl on the East Side. But, when you wake up in the morning, you'll find that she's not a very serious person.
Harry Monroe : Neither - am - I!
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Harry Monroe : Tell me about the job opportunity.
Skip Donahue : It's in banking.
Harry Monroe : I don't know a darn thing about banking.
Skip Donahue : We don't have to know anything about banking. I've sold the manager on a new promotion idea.
Harry Monroe , Skip Donahue : [next scene, inside a bank, dressed in bird costumes, singing] Oh, you'll save money, Knock on wood, When you do what a good wood pecker should, Save for a horse or a brand new ranch, When you flock to the Glenboro Savings Branch, You can feather your nest with frills, Fill your garage with coupe de villes, Just relax if you have the big bills...
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Harry Monroe , Skip Donahue : [singing in a bird costume] What you can do, Be a smart bird too, You little pecker you!
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Rory : What you up for, sweet pants?
Harry Monroe : We're innocent, man. I swear we are! What do you mean? No, god damn, sweet pants? Oh, shit!
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Deputy Ward Wilson : Let's move!
Skip Donahue : What happened?
Deputy Ward Wilson : Let's go Mayor Koch. And you too, Count Basie. It's 4:30.
Skip Donahue : Why so early?
Deputy Ward Wilson : It's called paying your debt to society. Now, let's move!
Skip Donahue : Is breakfast ready?
Harry Monroe : Somebody stole the toilet.
Skip Donahue : It's over here.
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Big Mean's Sidekick : I'm Slowpoke.
Skip Donahue : Hi, Slowpoke, this is Harry.
Big Mean's Sidekick : [talking rapidly] This state gives the longest sentences in the country for everything, especially for bank robbery, but it's misleading so don't wet your pants if you know what I'm saying, 'cause they also have the most liberal "good time" program in the country too, so if the bottom should happen to drop out from under you two innocent badasses, well, that's one bright spot to look forward to!
[begins to laugh loudly]
Big Mean's Sidekick : [Skip and Harry join in, laughing nervously, as Slowpoke walks away, still laughing]
Skip Donahue : Okay!
Harry Monroe : What is he talking about?
