- Brad Majors: You're a dead-end, dead-beat, nowhere mister with a kisser like a Mississippi alligator's sister!
- Cosmo: [in song] You need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/Get you jumpin' like a real live wire/Need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/So look out, mister, don't you blow your last resistor for a vista that'll mystify ya!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: [voice-over] Once upon a time, there lived a real fast guy. His life was fast. His friends were fast. Heh - even his food was fast. But he was still not satisfied. He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else, a beautiful girl. Trouble was, she was in the arms of... another man.
- Cosmo, Nation, Nurse Ansalong, 'Rest Home' Ricky: [singing] You're not just lookin' at a fast-food king/Just another well-known face/You're not lookin' at the king of anything/
- Farley Flavors: I'm gonna shoot for the moon/I'm gonna play high noon/I'm gonna take on the entire human race/
- Cosmo, Nation, Nurse Ansalong, 'Rest Home' Ricky: You're not looking at a king/
- Farley Flavors: You're looking at an ace...
- Brad Majors, Janet Majors: [in song] Some people do it for each other.
- Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt: Some people do it for their lover.
- Brad Majors, Janet Majors: Some people do it for improvement.
- Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt: Some people do it for the movement.
- Brad Majors, Janet Majors: Some people do it for enjoyment.
- Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt: Some people do it for employment.
- Brad Majors, Janet Majors, Judge Oliver Wright, Betty Hapschatt: But, we're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna do it. We just gotta keep going.
- Emily Weiss: [about Brad Majors] Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents. And thank goodness he didn't end up like that Slibstrini boy.
- Harry Weiss: What are you talking about? Danny Slibstrini's a chip of the old block. Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.
- Emily Weiss: He moved all right. And they found him in the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men.
- Janet Majors: [with a look of confirmation] Mexicans.
- Harry Weiss: [Looks disguted] I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.
- [Harry storms out, slamming the door]
- Announcer: [voice-over] We return to Dentonvale after this important message.
- Emily Weiss: You shouldn't have said that.
- Janet Majors: But why?
- Emily Weiss: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.
- Nurse Ansalong: [singing] You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science. Your condition is critically grave, but don't expect mercy from such an alliance. Suspicion of tradition's so new wave.
- Janet Majors: [in song] Well...! First you go rip, rip, rip/Then you go snip, snip, snip/Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip/And split it up to the hip, hip, hip/And as you strip, strip, strip/You quiver and shiver for that soft caress/As you slip, slip, slip/Into that little black dress.
- Farley Flavors: [in song] You've lost your heart!
- Brad Majors: You lost your cause.
- Farley Flavors: You lost your baby when you lost your balls/You lost your mind when you lost your grip, so say bye-bye!
- Brad Majors: We lost our home/Our family/You lost compassion, now you're losin' me...
- Farley Flavors: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die!
- Brad Majors: [singing] Dear blender/Now, won't you help a first offender?/Oh, toaster/Don't you put the burn on me/Refrigerator/Why are we always sooner or later/Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night?
- Female Television Announcer: First and foremost, Farley Flavors' fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.
- Brad Majors: To Farley: I'm as sane as you are! Saner!
- Cosmo: To Audience: And he was only with us for one day!
- Frankie: Cheerleaders: They call us the goody goody two shoes/ We're here to cheer you with the good news/ That D-E-N-T-O-N gets T-E-N/ That's ten out of ten!
- Nurse Ansalong: [singing] Night-night, it's time for bye-byes, it's been a great day, thanks a heap. Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep...
- Cosmo McKinley: Romance is not a children's game.
- Nation McKinley: But you keep going back; it's driving you insane.
- Nation: [singing] I feel the heat from your skin and the stubble on your chin, you're no good/
- Cosmo: You're no good/
- Nation: You've got dirt on your hands and everybody understands you're no good/
- Cosmo: You're no good/
- Nation: Oh, what a joke/
- Cosmo: What a joke/
- Nation: You feel like choking/You play for broke/
- Cosmo: Play for broke/
- Nation: He leaves you smoking/
- Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game/
- Nation: But you keep going back/It's driving you insane/
- Janet Majors: [singing] If that's not enough, then I'm/So sorry I met you, it was almost like leading you on/But there's more to it all/Than just wringing your heart out over something/That keeps on going wrong/So don't tell me you love me/How am I supposed to know what that means?/No, don't sell emotion/You can't buy devotion if you're falling apart at the seams...
- Narrator: [voice-over] The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
- Cosmo McKinley: [singing] I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself. I've been a cynic for too many years. Playing doctor and nurse, it can be good for your health. I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers.
- Nation McKinley: But if you open your heart to a smooth operator, he'll take you for all that you've got. He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later. It'll shake you the way he takes off... like a shot.
- Neely Pritt: [singing] You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces, and tolerance for, the ethnic races, in Denton.
- Bert Schnick: Hey, folks, it's Ricky from the Rest Home!
- 'Rest Home' Ricky: Hey, Bert!
- Bert Schnick: Hey, Ricky.
- 'Rest Home' Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.
- Bert Schnick: Brad will learn how to care in the surgical chair!
- 'Rest Home' Ricky: [to Janet] Nothing serious, I hope?
- Janet Majors: Oh, no, just a routine checkup.
- Bert Schnick: Just a "routine checkup," eh, viewers?
- [chuckles]
- Cosmo McKinley: How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!
- Nation McKinley: I don't think he intends to go *that* far.
- [she and Bert chuckle]
- [Audience cheers as Bert dances in]
- Bert Schnick: Hoopla Denton!
- Audience: Hoopla Bert!
- [Audience cheers more]
- Bert Schnick: [to himself] They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.
- Ralph Hapschatt: What?
- Bert Schnick: Just... memories.
- Oscar Drill: I spent a lifetime on deposit, and that's a long time in the closet. And when you say to me 'How was it?' it was hard taking that heart-breaking godforsaken route. But now I'm b-b-breaking out!
- Betty Hapschatt: Look at that, Bert Schnik's dancing! Bert can see!
- Judge Oliver Wright: Macabre, isn't it? The blind leading the blind.
- Betty Hapschatt: What's happening here? Janet's on "The Breakfast Show," Brad's committed to a nowhere series, and we've been...
- Judge Oliver Wright: Written out?
- Betty Hapschatt: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind! Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.
- Emily Weiss: [singing] Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery, I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.
- [in song]
- Macy Struthers: Like a good-time girl, I'm gonna try some new tricks.
- Ralph Hapschatt: This could be the start of a whole new career.
- Macy Struthers: Got a deep plum lipstick and some therapeutics.
- Ralph Hapschatt: This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.