Porky's (1981) Poster

(1981)

Nancy Parsons: Balbricker

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Wyatt Knight and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Kim Cattrall, Boyd Gaines, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Terry Guthrie, Dan Monahan, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Eric Christmas, Boyd Gaines, Bill Hindman, Doug McGrath, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Eric Christmas, Boyd Gaines, Bill Hindman, Doug McGrath, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Terry Guthrie, Dan Monahan, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Kim Cattrall, Susan Clark, Scott Colomby, Alex Karras, Chuck Mitchell, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981) Kim Cattrall, Boyd Gaines, and Nancy Parsons in Porky's (1981)

Quotes 

  • Balbricker : [1:07:15]  Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...

    Mr. Carter : [abrupt]  Miss Balbricker!

    Balbricker : Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again

    [a murmur of mirth rises from several occupants] 

    Balbricker : . Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

    [pause] 

    Balbricker : [irritably]  Well, what are you gonna do about it?

    [Carter hums and hars] 

    Mr. Carter : Err

    [finally speaks] 

    Mr. Carter : Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker.

    [sighs] 

    Mr. Carter : Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.

    Balbricker : We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment

    [Carter repeats "Hoods" in disbelief] 

    Balbricker : . Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That

    [pause] 

    Balbricker : tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

    Mr. Carter : Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... aaa... their... yaha...

    [composes himself] 

    Mr. Carter : their private parts

    [now firmly] 

    Mr. Carter : for an incriminating mole?

    Balbricker : But Mr. Carter.

    Coach Brakett : [stops stifling his giggling and speaks up]  Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists.

    [Carter rolls his eyes] 

    Coach Brakett : And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick?

    [Carter struggles not to grin] 

    Coach Brakett : Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous.

    [falls off his chair] 

    Coach Brakett : It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

    [everyone including Carter falls about laughing in hysterics as an enraged Balbricker storms out in a fury] 

  • Balbricker : [Balbricker has a strong grip on Tommy Turner's penis through the shower room wall] 

    Balbricker : I've got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal! Somebody get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal!

    Balbricker : [Tommy is struggling to get free]  You disgusting, little, filthy, *pervert*!

    [Tommy finally gets free and gets out of there] 

    Balbricker : [through the wall]  You *freak*! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little *dickhead*!

  • Balbricker : [Sees Miss Honeywell and Coach Brackett in the stairwell as she is about to come down]  Miss Honeywell, do you mind?

    Honeywell : [Quietly but sarcastically]  Do I mind what?

    Balbricker : [as she starts down the stairs past them]  It's disgusting! The two of you... squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. You're a disgrace.

    Honeywell : [Getting in her face]  Yeah? Well, it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frigid hippopotamus, Beulah!

    Balbricker : [Hissing]  What did you call me?

    Honeywell : [drawing each word out]  Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker.

    Balbricker : [Yelling]  Who do you think you're talking to?

    Honeywell : [Voice slowly increasing in volume]  Well, if I heard a hurdy-gurdy playing, I'd think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!

    Coach Brakett : [Gets up]  Look, ladies...

    Honeywell : [Both she and Balbricker push him back down; without even looking at him]  You butt out!

    Balbricker : [pause, then]  Moral turpitude.

    Honeywell : What?

    Balbricker : [Louder]  Moral turpitude! Read your contract, Miss Honeywell! I'll have you fired for moral turpitude!

    [she walks off smirking] 

    Honeywell : [as Balbricker continues down the stairs]  You can take your moral turpitude and shove it up the old yazoo, Beulah!

    Coach Brakett : [Stands up, concerned]  Gee, Lynn, I don't know... moral turpitude...

    Honeywell : Oh, come on.

    [Runs upstairs pulling him by the hand, making him stumble up with her] 

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