Porky's (1981)

Roger Wilson: Mickey

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pee Wee Morris : [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given]  It's too big.

  [Everybody else laughs] 

  Tommy Turner : Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.

  Mickey : He needs the junior size.

  Brian Schwartz : [Seriously]  Peewee, tie a knot in it.

  Meat : [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus]  Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

• Mickey : Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.

  Bartender : Porky's busy.

  Mickey : Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.

  Bartender : Pay me.

  Mickey : [Firmly]  I want to talk to Porky.

  Bartender : [Shrugs]  Okay, if that's what you want.

  [Walks off laughing softly] 

  Mickey : [to the gang]  See? You just got to show them who's boss.

• Porky : [Coming down to the bar]  Who's asking to see me?

  Mickey : Mr. Porky, I am.

  Porky : What do you want?

  Mickey : Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.

  Porky : You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?

  Mickey : [Thinks a second]  An hour.

  Porky : A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?

  Mickey : Hundred bucks!

  Porky : Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.

  [pause] 

  Porky : Go home, snot nose.

  [Turns away] 

  Mickey : Porky, wait a minute.

  Porky : [Turns back around]  *Mister* Porky.

  Mickey : Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?

  Porky : There's five of you, right?

  [They all nod] 

  Porky : That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour.

  Mickey : That's all?

  Porky : Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on.

  Mickey : Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes.

• [the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks] 

  Billy : The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.

  Tommy Turner : This is just the kind of thing you write off.

  Pee Wee Morris : [hands Tommy the receipt]  Here you go.

  Tommy Turner : Again?

  Pee Wee Morris : I got it last time.

  Tommy Turner : [pays the waitress]  Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.

  Mickey : I'm going back to get that pig.

  Meat : Yeah right, Mick.

  Mickey : [throws his hamburger in a fit]  Yeah, Meat!

• Porky : [as the Pigmobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted]  I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.

  Ted Jarvis : How'd they do that?

  Porky : They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.

  Ted Jarvis : Which ones?

  Porky : [Points to Tim then Mickey]  This one, and that little bastard back there!

  Ted Jarvis : [Points to them himself]  You mean this 16-year-old and this 17-year-old youngster were frequenting your establishment?

  Sheriff Wallace : [Butts in]  They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little son-of-a-bitch...

  Porky : [Stops him, now uneasy]  Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.

  Sheriff Wallace : What are you talking about, Pork?

  Porky : [Quietly, emphasizing]  They're youngsters!

  Sheriff Wallace : [to Ted]  No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!

  Ted Jarvis : Now hold on, Sheriff.

  Sheriff Wallace : "Hold on", my ass!

  Ted Jarvis : [Brandishing his rifle]  You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.

  [Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle] 

  Mickey : [as everyone cheers and laughs]  Get him, brother!

  Ted Jarvis : [to Porky]  Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.

  Porky : [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash]  Got that right here.

  [Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother] 

  Porky : Damn!

  Ted Jarvis : Blown tire.

  [Shrugs] 

  Ted Jarvis : That's too bad.

  [Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig-whistle horn die] 

  Ted Jarvis : Broken radiator. This car's a mess.

  [More laughter from the crowd. He reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip] 

  Meat : [Leading the cheers]  Do it! Do it!

  [He does] 

  Porky : [Quietly throwing a fit]  Daw shit!

  Porky : Broken hood ornament. Any questions?

• Pee Wee Morris : Yeah, that's just how I like 'em!

  Mickey : You like 'em as long as they ain't dead.

  Pee Wee Morris : I don't care if they're dead as long as they ain't too cold.

• Sheriff Wallace : Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.

  [Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Where's your car, boy?

  Mickey : [points to his Ford pick-up truck]  Right there.

  Sheriff Wallace : You from Seward County?

  Mickey : Yeah.

  Sheriff Wallace : Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

  Mickey : I don't have a busted headlight.

  Sheriff Wallace : Don't have a busted headlight?

  [the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs] 

  Mickey : [shocked]  Shit!

  Sheriff Wallace : That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

  Tommy Turner : I've got fifteen bucks.

  Pee Wee Morris : I've got-I've got five.

  Sheriff Wallace : You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

  Meat : I've got twelve.

  Tim : I think I got three.

  Porky : [to his goons]  Watch this.

  [the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight] 

  Mickey : [grows angry]  Goddamn it!

  [Porky and his goons laughing] 

  Sheriff Wallace : You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

  Mickey : I've got ten.

  Sheriff Wallace : Give it to me! Give me all you got.

  [the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

  Porky : Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

  Sheriff Wallace : You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!

  [the boys pile up in Mickey's truck] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?

  Porky : [to his goons]  I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.