Just One of the Guys (1985)

Billy Jayne: Buddy Griffith

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Buddy answers the telephone in front of Terry and begins cursing out in profanity] 

  Buddy : [Buddy talks on the phone]  Hello? Hey, yo, scumbag! Hey, suck your own. Eat me. Hey, same to you, buttface!

  Buddy : [Terry stares at Buddy in bewilderment as he hangs up starting to walk off]  Mom says 'hi.'

• [Buddy teaches Terry how to scratch her balls] 

  Buddy : Very crucial. Something every guy does. Let me see you scratch your balls.

  Buddy : [Terry rolls her eyes at Buddy]  Hey, come on, try it.

  Buddy : [Terry scratches her jeans]  Wait a minute. Watch the master. Now first, there's your basic shift.

  Buddy : [Buddy shifts his body with his balls]  But that's not always enough. Sometimes you've got to get inside, dig a little, let some air in, move things around.

  Terry : Yeah, well, maybe my balls don't itch.

  Buddy : All balls itch. It's a fact!

• [Terry asks for Buddy's help with Sandy up in his bedroom] 

  Terry : Listen, there's a half-naked woman in your bedroom feeding pizza to some fish, and she's all yours.

  Buddy : Sounds too kinky for me.

  Terry : [Terry grabs a hold of Buddy by the arms]  Budster, I need you. She needs you. You need her.

  Buddy : [Buddy looks up the stairs]  Is she really half-naked?

  Terry : Maybe more by now.

  Buddy : What if you're lying?

  Terry : What if I'm not?

  Buddy : Good point. If I'm not back in a week, forward my mail.

• [Terry tries to comfort Buddy about sex not being a big deal] 

  Terry : Listen, sex is not that big a deal.

  Buddy : I'd like to form my own opinion.

• [Buddy tries to talk Terry out of her first thought of wanting to be a guy] 

  Terry : Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.

  Buddy : No, you don't. The male body needs sex at all times. It's a living hell.

• [Terry lays in bed moping about her article not being that great] 

  Terry : I know I could do better. I'm just confused.

  Buddy : Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear.

• [Terry asks Buddy how she looks dressed in a tuxedo] 

  Terry : How do I look?

  Buddy : [Buddy doesn't look]  Dashing.

  Terry : My zipper's open.

  Buddy : That was the dashing part.

• [Terry walks in on Buddy making out with Sandy in his bed] 

  Terry : Whoops!

  Buddy : Hey, no problem. Just a couple of nice, clean all-American kids experimenting with sex.

• [Buddy sarcastically responds to Terry's serious sex question] 

  Terry : Can't you think of anything more profound than getting laid?

  Buddy : A blowjob?

• [Buddy talks to Terry in her disguise as Rick listens in] 

  Terry : Bud, what do you want?

  Buddy : Guess who came by to pick you up for school this morning? Your true love. Kevina.

  Buddy : [Rick looks at Terry]  Kevina was very upset that you left without her. You know how she worships your rippling muscles and your hairy chest. Terry is such a stallion. Go on, show him your hairy chest.

  Terry : Buddy!

• [Buddy tells Terry how he would use a woman's body] 

  Terry : Come on, Buddy, admit it. You would love to spend your entire life just using women's bodies.

  Buddy : Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds.

  Buddy : [Buddy lays his Playboy magazine down and smiles at the air]  I'd like a little time to reminisce.

• [Linda tries to leave the house as Buddy begs for her to not go] 

  Linda : [Linda nervously gets up to leave]  Bye.

  Buddy : [Buddy starts to crawl on his knees]  Linda, wait. For God's sake, I vacuumed, Linda!

  Linda : Buddy, you're a nice guy.

  Buddy : No, not a nice guy. That's the kiss of death!

• [Buddy miserably lays on the couch for not having any sex in two weeks] 

  Terry : Budmeister, are you okay?

  Buddy : No, Terry, I'm not. Mom and Dad come home Monday. I've had two weeks of total freedom. The closest that I've come to sex was a girl who took her top off to seduce my sister. What's wrong with me?

• [Terry and Buddy crawl up the stairs on their hands and knees after they're both rejected] 

  Buddy : [about Linda]  That girl had incredible self-control.

  Terry : Kevin hates me. Rick hates me. Everybody hates me except Sandy.

  Buddy : Oh, yeah, how'd it go? Did you get laid?

  Terry : [Terry turns her head to Buddy]  I bet I came closer than you.

• [Terry tries to talk to Buddy as he's making out with Sandy in his bed] 

  Terry : You know, my voyage of self-discovery has ended in despair.

  Buddy : Hey, that's so interesting, really. Can you shut the light off please?

• [Terry tries to tell Buddy that wouldn't he want to have sex with someone he'll love] 

  Buddy : I'm 15 years old. In two years, I reach the peak of my sexual powers. The clock is ticking. I have to get jamming.

  Terry : Can't you hear what you're saying? Aren't you a little embarrassed?

  Buddy : Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass every time.

  Terry : [Terry puts her hands on Buddy's shoulders]  Budster, listen to me. Don't you want your first time to be with someone you love?

  Buddy : [Buddy with a smile on his face, whispers]  I guarantee it, I'll be in love.

• [Terry storms into Buddy's room upset with men and sex] 

  Terry : All men care about is sex!

  Buddy : I resent that.

  [Terry sees the Playboy posters Buddy just hung up] 

• [Terry fakes out Buddy when she first disguises herself as a guy] 

  Buddy : [Buddy talks to himself before answering the front doorbell]  What are the odds of this being a homeless nymphomaniac?

  Terry : [Terry outside]  Is your sister home?

  Buddy : Yeah.

  Buddy : [Buddy yells up to Terry's room]  Terry, you got company.

  [when Buddy turns back to see Terry smiling outside] 

• [Buddy talks to himself after seeing Terry dressed up looking like a guy] 

  Buddy : This morning I knew her. I talked to her. She screamed at me. Everything was great. Now she's wearing my clothes.

  Buddy : [Buddy yells at Terry]  Hey, who do think you are, Tootsie?

• [Denise sits with Terry in her bed and tries to cheer her up] 

  Denise : Terry, I hate when you're depressed. I mean, if you're this upset over your life, I should be suicidal.

  Denise : [Denise sees the roses on Terry's bedroom table]  I mean, look what Kevin sent you. I'd do anything to come home and find roses.

  Buddy : [Buddy holds a single rose staring up at the ceiling]  Can we define the word anything?

• [Buddy tries to make Terry smile by giving her his advice] 

  Buddy : Terry, it's summer. Smile.

  Terry : My face hurts when I smile.

  Buddy : Listen to me, oh, sister of my loins, I've got a driver's license and a sex life. You've got the job of your dreams, and a chauffeur. Life is sweet. Let's get an ice cream.

• [Buddy tells Terry that he's had sex before] 

  Buddy : Don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never had sex before. I've had lots of sex. Just that now I want to try it with a partner.

  [Buddy looks to the side at Terry's friend Denise] 

• [Buddy tells Denise in the cafeteria about his parents being gone] 

  Buddy : Our parents are gone for two weeks. You know what that means? Their king-sized bed is empty. Well, what do you think?

  Denise : I think if you and I were the last man and woman on Earth, the human race would die out.

  Buddy : [Buddy smiles]  You want time to think it over. I understand.

• [Buddy tells his sister that she needs to throw a slumber party with her friends] 

  Buddy : I have two words for you. Slumber party. We'll invite every girl you know. Tall, short, loose, easy... I'll be the bartender. They can use my bedroom, they can use my body. I want to help.

  Terry : You want to molest my friends.

  Terry : [Buddy smiles shaking his head up and down]  Forget it!

  Buddy : Why? You'll have a party. And I'll...

  [Buddy mimics the sound of an orgasm in front of Terry and Denise] 

• [Buddy defends his theory on the naked Playboy photos he has up on his walls] 

  Buddy : Big improvement, huh? The room needed something.

  Terry : Your room is why my life is totally screwed up. You guys think beautiful women are nothing but decoration. Total airheads.

  Buddy : [Buddy smiles up at the air]  Hey, not me. These women have my deepest respect.

  Terry : For showing their boobs?

  Buddy : And for their minds. It just so happens that Kim here reads Vonnegut in her bubble bath, and Louann has dedicated her centerfold to help clean up toxic waste. And the only reason Barbara does her physics homework buck-naked is 'cause that library is hot.

• [Buddy tells Terry a woman has the freedom to be as sick and perverted as a guy] 

  Terry : I mean, it's as if women's lib never existed.

  Buddy : Today's woman has the freedom to be as sick and perverted as us guys.

  Terry : Oh, that's wonderful. I mean, I write an excellent article, and just because I'm cute, no one takes me seriously. It's not fair.

  Buddy : And yet somehow you find the courage to go on living. You've got guts.

• [Terry teaches Buddy to stuff a sock in his pants] 

  Terry : Well, maybe this would help.

  Terry : [Terry looks at the bulge in her jeans in front of the mirror]  Not bad.

  Buddy : [Buddy stands next to her looking at his bulge in the mirror]  Shit. Maybe I should try that.

• [Buddy teaches Terry how to walk like a guy] 

  Buddy : Okay. Let's see you walk.

  Buddy : [Terry walks like a girl]  Hold it. Look. You got balls now. Use 'em.

  Buddy : [Buddy walks and talks like a guy for a demonstration]  Say, baby, what's happening? I'm a lean, mean, sex machine, and that be the way it is.

  Terry : [as Terry imitates Buddy]  'Say, baby, what's happening? I'm a lean, mean, sex machine, and that be the way it is.'

  Buddy : [Buddy chuckles]  I think you'll pass as long as you don't move.

• [Buddy talks to his Mom on the phone as Terry sits beside him with a bad hangover] 

  Buddy : Not much has been happening, Ma. Yeah, I did pretty good on my history test. Terry's become a transsexual. Yeah, she's starting to grow hair on her chest. Yeah, just a second. Hey, Mom wants to talk to you.

  Terry : No, no.

  Buddy : Uh, she can't talk mom. The doctors have advised her not to speak. Something hormonal and vocal.

  [as Terry hangs her head at Buddy] 

• [Buddy hits on Denise who's trying to leave his house] 

  Buddy : Hey, Denise. What's your rush? We're young. We're wild. Let's be young and wild together.

  Denise : I'd rather get the phone book and pick a name at random.

• [Sandy walks into Buddy's room thinking it's Terry's room] 

  Sandy : [Sandy sees all of the nude Playboy photos on the walls]  Wow. Like this is where you sleep? Do your homework.

  Terry : Yeah, well, uh... I like pictures of people.

  Buddy : [Buddy from the doorway]  Terry loves tits and ass.

  Terry : These women aren't just tits and ass. Kim reads Vonnegut... and Louann... Louann despises toxic waste.

  Buddy : Don't let him fool you. Hard-core sex maniac.

• [Kevin shows up to Terry's house when he speaks to Buddy alone] 

  Kevin : All right, where is she?

  Buddy : It's that darn cult again. They have her totally brainwashed. Want to split her records?

  Kevin : [Kevin holds Buddy up to the wall]  Look, you can tell me now, or you can tell me in the hospital!

  Buddy : I'm suddenly remembering.

• [Buddy wallows in misery just thinking about not having any sex] 

  Buddy : [as he talks to Terry]  I know this place that delivers. 'Massage Delight' or something. Can I borrow $200?

  Terry : Buddy, why don't you just call the guys and go to the mall?

  Buddy : [Buddy hangs his hand over his head]  I'd rather wallow in my virginity.

• [Terry and Buddy talk about their food responsibilities when the fridge is empty] 

  Terry : Budster, the refrigerator gives new meaning to the word 'empty.'

  Buddy : [Buddy throws his slice of pizza onto his plate]  Hey, don't worry about breakfast. This stuff tastes great cold.

  Terry : You agreed to do half the shopping around here while Mom and Dad were gone.

  Buddy : Yeah, that's right, the second half.

• [Buddy asks Linda one final question before she walks out the front door] 

  Buddy : Linda, wait. Would it make any difference if I was hung like a bear?

  Linda : It might. Are you?

  Buddy : No. Just checking.

• [Sandy and Buddy talk together while at the prom party] 

  Sandy : So, how's the fish?

  Buddy : Great. I put a frogman in the bowl. And you know what? They really do love pizza.

• [Buddy parks Terry's car up on the curb and talks to a girl walking by] 

  Buddy : Don't worry. I'm a stunt driver. I do this for a living.

• [Buddy questions Terry about what she's doing hanging around Rick and not doing her research] 

  Terry : I'm just seeing Sandy for Rick.

  Buddy : For Rick? What happened to research?

  Terry : Well, that's what I meant.

  Buddy : So for research, you're willing to toy with this poor girl's emotions? All you transvestites are alike. You disgust me.

• [Buddy sits beside Denise wrapping his arm around her] 

  Buddy : You are so hot!

  Denise : Buddy.

  Denise : [Denise slowly takes Buddy's arm off]  I just ate.

• [Buddy looks at the picture of a Playboy magazine when the doorbell rings] 

  Buddy : Always when I'm busy!

• [Buddy makes Kevin wait outside the front door to their house before answering it] 

  Buddy : [Buddy opens the front door]  She's in the pool.

  Kevin : What took you so long?

  Buddy : I knew it was you.

  Kevin : I keep forgetting how young you are.

  Buddy : [after Kevin walks in Buddy looks at Kevin's Porsche outside]  What a waste of a sports car.

• [Buddy teaches Terry how to stand like a guy] 

  Buddy : Okay. Well, uh... Look how you're standing. I mean, drop your hands. Okay, now stick your hip in. All right, now move your feet out.

  Buddy : [Buddy smiles]  Hey. Guys take up space.

• [Buddy jokes about Terry becoming a guy] 

  Terry : I'm going to do it. I'm going to take that article to Sturgis-Wilder, and I'm going to submit it as a guy.

  Buddy : Hey, it makes perfect sense. You got a problem, you get in drag.

• [Buddy volunteers to do the dishes after him and Terry eat pizza] 

  Buddy : I'll tell you what, I'll do the dishes.

  Buddy : [Buddy taps the food off his plate into the trash, putting the plate back on the shelf]  Thank you.

  Buddy : [Buddy taps the food off Terry's plate as he holds the plate up like a mirror, smiling]  I can see myself.

• [Buddy tries to lie to Kevin to get him out of the house so Buddy can have some alone time with Linda] 

  Buddy : Hold it! It's time Kevin knew the truth. Terry moved to Oregon to join a religious cult that she saw on '60 Minutes.'

  Buddy : [Buddy begins to fake a cry]  It's all in the letter. You should go home and wait for it, Kevin.

• [Buddy finally propositions Linda with sex] 

  Linda : Why are you smiling like that?

  Buddy : [Buddy jumps to his feet]  'Cause it's party time! Let's dance. Let's get crazy. Let's get drunk. Let's get naked.

  Linda : Buddy, I love a good party, but something about you worries me.

  Buddy : Linda, you're a nut. What do you like, skinny dip in the pool? Back rub in the bedroom? Pick a sin. Any sin!

• [after Buddy is rejected by Linda he looks down at his jeans at the end of the night] 

  Buddy : [Buddy sighs]  Sorry, Spike.

• [Buddy holds the hand of a girl in the cafeteria] 

  Buddy : Can I be totally honest with you? Your touch is the reason why I went through puberty.

• [Buddy makes a comment to Greg Tolan after he's embarrassed in the cafeteria] 

  Buddy : Uh, you've got some pudding on your shoes.

  [as Greg looks down Buddy runs off] 

• [Buddy makes a sexual attempt to get in Sandy's pants] 

  Sandy : Where's Terry?

  Buddy : Gone. This isn't the first time that that androgynous sleaze bucket has broken a beautiful girl's heart.

  Sandy : I am so embarrassed.

  Buddy : Why? The room is full of naked women.

  Buddy : [Buddy starts unbuttoning his shirt]  Wait. Would you feel more comfortable if I took my shirt off?

  Buddy : [Buddy smiles to himself as Sandy leaves]  What a nice girl.

• [Buddy asks Terry if she broke up with Kevin on the phone] 

  Buddy : Mr. Wonderful is Mr. History?

  Buddy : [Terry smiles in agreement, as Buddy smiles]  All right!

• [Buddy is late to pick up Terry from work] 

  Terry : Swift parking job, Bud, and you're late.

  Buddy : Yeah, I ran out of gas, but don't worry, I put a buck's worth in...

  Buddy : [Buddy smiles]  On me.