April Fool's Day (1986)

Clayton Rohner: Chaz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chaz : [watching Kit and Rob through binoculars]  Respectable young Quaker couple returning from a quiet afternoon of nonviolent sex.

• Nikki : [on camera]  My name is Mary O'Reilly O'Toole O'Shea. Somewhere out there is the island my friend Muffy owns. It's spring break and she's invited us over there for the weekend and we're waiting for the ferry now to take us there, and... I don't know what else to say.

  Chaz : [voice]  Why don't you tell us something about yourself?

  Nikki : Oh, all right, something about myself. Um, I wanna work with handicapped children, and my parents are my best friends. Oh, and I start convent school next semester... and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!

  [everybody laughs] 

• Chaz : Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hanging out.

• Chaz : Boy Muffy, you really know how to make a guy look forward to... dessert.

  Arch : Please God, let it be Ding-Dongs!

• Arch : You're telling me! When I was out there swinging in the woods, I nearly crapped my pants.

  Ferryman : What do you mean "nearly"?

  Chaz : Arch? You browned your trou?

  Arch : Well, uh... you know, I was...

  Constable Potter : It's all right, Arch, they'll be out of the dryer soon.

• Chaz : [stands close to Nan and coughs exaggeratedly]  Hi, what're you reading?

  Nan : Milton's Paradise Lost, for Professor Russo's course in English epic. You know, it's a shame; it's a dying form.

  Chaz : Dying...

  Nan : Not too many people read it nowadays, even in college.

  Chaz : [feigning interest]  Really?

  Nan : What about you?

  Chaz : Oh, uh, Treasure Island - the history of pornography in America.

• Chaz : [sees the dining room table]  Oh Muffers! Our very own place settings and our very own place cards, and a his or her dolly.

  Nikki : Just like in Agatha Christie.

• Chaz : Nobody move.

  [turns on camera] 

  Chaz : But before this night is over, somebody in this room

  [laughs sinisterly] 

  Chaz : will pull, his wang.

• Chaz : [looks around Muffy's house]  Nikki, burn my bags, baby, I am home!

• Nan : [about the table set with dolls at every setting]  Just like Agatha Christie.

  Chaz : And sporks.

  Arch : Sporks?

  Chaz : [mocking voice]  And napkins with bunnies on 'em. Gee, Muff, you really spare no expense.

  Muffy : Well now how do you think Daddy made his money?

  Nikki : The old fashioned way, he inherited it.

  Nan : [about the doll at her place]  I used to have all her outfits.

• Kit : It's okay now, with the others, they were outside, but you...

  Chaz : We're inside now, so we're safe.

  Nan : It's all because of what happened at the ferry, isn't it?

  Chaz : It was an accident! Christ! Don't they know that?

  Arch : Muffy, where do you keep your guns?

  Muffy : Guns? We don't keep guns in this house.

• Rob : [about the constable]  He's on his way, he wants us to wait here and stay together.

  Chaz : What about the ferryman?

  Rob : It wasn't him, they've been together all day.

  Chaz : What?

  Kit : I don't understand.

  Rob : I don't either. Look, he's gonna send up a flare as soon as he nears the dock. And then we'll all go down as a group and meet him there. In the meantime we just wait here.

• Kit : [about Skip]  We just saw him down at the boathouse drifting by on a boat, and he wasn't moving. He looked dead unless he was joking.

  Chaz : Well if it was Skip...

  Kit : I *saw* his face, Chaz!

  Rob : Look, has anybody seen him since last night?

  [nobody answers] 

• Chaz : Hey wait a minute, look at this, Skip's knife. Think it was that guy on the ferry?

  Rob : I don't know, I don't know what to think.

  Arch : I say we go looking for them, him, or Skip, one of them's got to be on this island.

  Chaz : You mean split up?

  Arch : Yeah, no sucker's taking me in.

• Arch : [enters his room]  Alright, ladies, we're gonna have some privacy.

  [pushes the beds together, Chaz walks in with his stuff] 

  Arch : You gotta be kidding.

  Chaz : Unless Muffy knows something about us that we don't.

  Arch : [they fall on the bed grabbing each other laughing]  Hold me, boyfriend, hold me.

  Chaz : Just holster it, cowboy, will ya?

  Arch : Let's play hide the sausage!

  Chaz : Giddyup!

• Chaz : Wait a minute, aren't we supposed to be staying together? What about Rob and Muffy?

  Kit : Rob's out back checking the doors.

  Chaz : Yeah well what about Muffy?

  Nan : She's been acting less than normal anyway.

  Kit : What do you mean?

  Nan : All day and you haven't noticed?

  Harvey : Well who isn't?

  Nan : Those nurse's shoes.

  Chaz : What nurse's shoes?

  Nan : The clodhoppers she's been walking around in all day long. Crepe soles?

• Nikki : I can't stay here anymore!

  Chaz : What if the constable never even shows up?

  Nikki : Then I'll swim all the way back to the mainland if I have to!

  Chaz : Okay, you, relax!

  Nikki : Oh great, 3 people are dead and you're telling me to relax?