Wish You Were Here (1987)
Emily Lloyd: Lynda
Photos
Quotes
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Lynda Mansell : Up your bum!
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Lynda Mansell : Have I got nice tits, or have I got nice tits?
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[Lynda and Eric are having an argument]
Lynda Mansell : Lynda up the duff - what odds do you put on that, eh, Mr Clever Dick, eh? That's shut his gob. That's put a crease in his brand-new suit.
Eric : I don't believe you. You're joking. How? How d'you know?
Lynda Mansell : You're the one that should know. You put it up me, Mr Bareback Rider! You knew when you were gonna spunk! How the hell was I supposed to know?
Eric : No, you soft cow! I mean, how do you know? Are you sure?
Lynda Mansell : You're the one with eyes. Look! Can't you see?
[Lynda points to her swollen belly]
Lynda Mansell : All you see are tits and arses.
Eric : Have you seen a doctor? And how d'you know it's *mine*?
Lynda Mansell : If it walks with a limp and thinks with its prick, it's yours.
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Dr Holroyd : [Lynda's psychiatrist is making her go through the alphabet of swear words] Now, Lynda, C?
Lynda Mansell : We missed "balls."
Dr Holroyd : So we did, never mind. C.
Lynda Mansell : [Hesitates] No.
Dr Holroyd : Take your time.
Lynda Mansell : Can't think of nothing.
Dr Holroyd : Think very hard now. The letter C. Something very filthy. Very, very dirty.
Lynda Mansell : [pauses] Caca?
Dr Holroyd : Caca?
Lynda Mansell : Caca! Poo-poos.
Dr Holroyd : You feeling ashamed?
Lynda Mansell : What of?
Dr Holroyd : Of what you're really thinking.
Lynda Mansell : I'm not thinking of anything.
Dr Holroyd : Yes, you are.
Lynda Mansell : No, I'm not.
Dr Holroyd : Very well, then. D.
Lynda Mansell : Damn.
Dr Holroyd : Precisely. F. The letter F.
Lynda Mansell : We've missed out E.
Dr Holroyd : There isn't one beginning with E.
Lynda Mansell : There might be.
Dr Holroyd : There isn't one. You take my word for it.
Lynda Mansell : We could give it a try.
Dr Holroyd : F. Can you think of a filthy, dirty, smutty word beginning with F? Not too hard, I should think, Lynda.
Lynda Mansell : No.
Dr Holroyd : Come on, come on, of course you can.
Lynda Mansell : I can't.
Dr Holroyd : Of course you can. I can. Anybody can.
Lynda Mansell : Well, what, then? You tell me.
Dr Holroyd : You must be one of the last people on God's Earth who doesn't know. Everybody knows a swear word beginning with F.
Lynda Mansell : Well, then what are you asking me for?
Dr Holroyd : Because I want to hear you say it.
Lynda Mansell : You dirty, old bugger!
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[Lynda's argument with her father causes a scene in the tea room]
Cafe Manager : [to Lynda] You're fired. You are dismissed. Get out.
Lynda Mansell : No, I won't.
[to crowd]
Lynda Mansell : This one goes around with his brown nose up in the air, down on the carpet, la-di-da this, la-di-da that. The cook spits in the buns and we all piss in the teapots.
[customer looks at her drink]
Cafe Manager : That is enough. Out!
Hubert : [speaking over Lynda] She's a bad lot, and that's the truth. Nothing but trouble, that's the way it's always been.
Lynda Mansell : That's my father speaking.
Hubert : Ever since she could speak, she's uttered nothing but filth. From the day she uttered her first word, her tongue has caused nothing but trouble.
Lynda Mansell : This is my father.
Hubert : Sometimes I doubt it.
Lynda Mansell : An insult to my dead mother.
Cafe Manager : I'm sorry, this cannot go on.
Lynda Mansell : [jumps up on table] I'm up the duff! That's what's up his nose. I'm pregnant in the club!
[some patrons leave]
Cafe Manager : Right, that's it! That's enough.
Lynda Mansell : A willy has entered my person and left a little visitor behind!
[boss goes to get authorities]
Hubert : Get down.
Cafe Manager : This is a matter for the police!
Lynda Mansell : [points to father] This is my father who once gave one to Gracie Fields!
Hubert : Down!
Cafe Manager : I'm calling the police.
Lynda Mansell : [mocking] A member of the British Legion!
Hubert : Get down!
Lynda Mansell : [to crowd] Am I the only one that does it?
Hubert : This is not my daughter.
Lynda Mansell : What do you lot do, eh?
Hubert : Not my daughter.
Lynda Mansell : What do you lot play with in bed at night, eh?
Hubert : I disown her!
Lynda Mansell : Hands up, all those that like willies! I do!
Cafe Manager : The police are coming!
Lynda Mansell : Balls!
Hubert : Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize for this disgraceful display...
Lynda Mansell : So what, I'm up the duff, who cares?
Hubert : I will settle.
Lynda Mansell : [cheers] I like willies!
Cafe Manager : [to Hubert] Now, get her down!
Hubert : All these teas on me. Right?
Lynda Mansell : Sex! All of you. All you old bags look as if you could do with a nice bit of hot willy!
Cafe Manager : Get her down!
Lynda Mansell : [cheers] *Seeeexxxx!*
[a chef grabs Lynda from the table but both take a tumble, knock over Hubert, all three fall to the floor as dishes crash]
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Hubert : I'm not here to be made a bloody fool of, Lynda. There's such a thing as dignity.
[sighs]
Hubert : You seem to think you're smart, but I'm afraid you'll end up the bloody fool. Just don't do it in my house. I don't wanna be witness to that kinda spectacle.
Lynda Mansell : What about Maisie Mathews?
Hubert : *I'm a man.*
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[Eric shows up at Lynda's tea house job. Lynda sarcastically pretends not to recognize him]
Lynda Mansell : Can I help you, sir?
Eric : Cup of tea, please.
Lynda Mansell : We don't serve cups of tea, sir. Only pots, that's teapots, not piss pots, although we can always make exceptions. If you want a cup of tea, you must go to the caf with all the other riffraff. This is a cafe.
Eric : Pot of tea, then, smart arse.
Lynda Mansell : Language.
[turns to leave]
Eric : And a bit of cake.
[Lynda returns]
Eric : Or a bun.
Lynda Mansell : [deadpan] Bath bun, Chelsea bun, currant bun, honey bun, up your bum, fairy buns, seed cake, cherry cake, fruit cake, ginger cake, Eccles cake, teacake, lemon cakes, Swiss rolls, dinkie rolls, jam sandwiches, macaroons, cheese straws, and scones.
Eric : I'll just have the tea.
Lynda Mansell : *Please.*
Eric : Please.
Lynda Mansell : Thank you.
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Lynda Mansell : [lifts her skirt up showing her leg] Brian, Betty Grable!