Soapdish (1991)

Garry Marshall: Edmund Edwards

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer] 

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage]  This guy never heard of contact lenses?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  The test results have come back.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  And?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...

  [pause] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

  Burton White : What the hell?

  David Barnes : [offstage]  Brain fever!

  Edmund Edwards : [offstage, loudly]  Say it!

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Brain fever!

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

  [they both goggle at the word] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Literally explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Exactly, within the next three houses.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Hours?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Restaurant?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Restaurant, yes.

  Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie]  Her brain will actually explode?

  Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall]  Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

• [offstage - watching the monitor as it is revealed on live TV that Montana is a man] 

  Edmund Edwards : She's a boy!

  [long, incredulous pause] 

  David Barnes : Yeah, well we *knew* that.

  [starts gagging] 

  Edmund Edwards : Are you okay?

  David Barnes : [weak voice]  I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

• Edwards : There's a nurse in the restaurant. Did I miss a meeting?

• Edwards : I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.

• Edmund Edwards : She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.

  Rose Schwartz : Yeah.

  Edmund Edwards : We have to love her.

  Rose Schwartz : Mmm.

  Edmund Edwards : We have to care about her.

  Rose Schwartz : Mmm.

  Edmund Edwards : And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.

• [scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office] 

  Celeste Talbert : I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

  Jeffrey Anderson : This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

  Lori Craven : Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

  Celeste Talbert : I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

  Jeffrey Anderson : I could conceivably have a breakdown.

  Lori Craven : I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

  Celeste Talbert : It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

  Jeffrey Anderson : [walks back and forth lost for words]  Uh...

  Lori Craven : Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

  Edwards : This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

  [eats a cracker] 

• David Barnes : She's turned unstable and we can't...

  Edwards : Unstable. I'm stable! Who wants to watch me on television? Unstable is her talent.

• Edwards : The point I'm trying to make is that quiz shows are beating us. There's a lady cooking sausages almost tied us last week. A guy at my Tennis Club said it should be called, "The Sun Also Sucks"! I don't like this, gentlemen.

• Edwards : Celeste is a bad news buffet. The people love her; because, she is and always will be the queen of misery!