Carpool (1996)
Tom Arnold: Franklin Laszlo
Photos
Quotes
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Franklin : We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?
Mr. Hammerman : Not lately.
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[location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck]
Andrew : It's freezing.
Franklin : Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.
Daniel : That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.
Franklin : In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?
Daniel : For God's sake, no I did not.
Franklin : How about you, Kayla?
Kayla : Girls don't fart.
Franklin : Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.
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Daniel : [about the ferris wheel] I'm not getting on that death trap.
Franklin : Oh we won that law suit.
Daniel : Huh?
Franklin : Okay we tied, but it's still safe. Come on, I'll show you how to operate it. It's so easy a trained monkey could do it and it did until that uproar with the Humane Society.
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Franklin : [noticing a woman getting her lips waxed] That's amazing. I'd never have to shave Mom's hump again. Um, that is, she's got a hump on the back of her neck.
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Voice of Franklin's Mom : Listen, cutie pie when they reposess the truck, you won't have to leave them any gas.
Franklin : Right, you're the expert on gas, Mom.
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Franklin : Listen, Dan, I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!
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Detective Erdman : I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.
Franklin : Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.
Detective Erdman : Yeah right, I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?
Franklin : They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.
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Circus Performer : We've come to give you back our pay checks.
Franklin : Aw you didn't have to do that.
Circus Performer : Sure we did. They bounced. Listen, Franklin, you've been very good to us, but we've gotten an offer from Wingling Brothers.
Franklin : *THE* Ringling Brothers?
Circus Performer : No, *WINGLING* Brothers!
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Franklin : [on his way to the bank, contemplating his robbery plan] This will go smooth. Unless they shoot me, which they won't because I'm gonna draw first. Of course they could push that button under the counter, but I know it's gonna be fine.
[Parks and approaches bank. The doors are locked and standing inside is a guard]
Franklin : Oh hey, buddy, I need you to open a safe for me. I mean an account, a safe account. But I see you're not open right now so I'll go grab a cup of coffee and come back later.
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[Daniel races for the phone. Franklin stops him]
Franklin : No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.
Daniel : I am not.
Franklin : Well you should! What's your phone number?
Daniel : 9-1-1.
Franklin : Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.