Out to Sea (1997)

Walter Matthau: Charlie Gordon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Herb : [to Gil Godwyn while in the lifeboat]  Listen to me, you sniveling little brown-nose. I have lived for 71 years, I've fought a war, I've buried my wife and I've survived 48 white sales at Gimble's. So if you think a little fop like you is gonna stop me, you've got another think coming!

  Gil Godwyn : How DARE you speak to me like that!

  Charlie : May I say something, sir?

  Gil Godwyn : No you may NOT!

  [Charlie blows an air horn in Gil's face] 

• Charlie : Be careful! Some of the big fish can swallow you whole.

  Herb : Swallow my what? You're not helping.

• Mavis LaBreche : I saw the way you were looking at my daughter's chest.

  Charlie : I used to be a cardiologist.

• Charlie Gordon : Liz... from the first moment I saw you on that ship... it was my intention to lie to you, I swear.

  Liz LaBreche : Well, *that's* sweet.

  Charlie Gordon : What I didn't intend, was falling in love with you.

• [Herb and Charlie have successfully left the ship in the lifeboat] 

  Gil Godwyn : [furiously]  I hope your boat capsizes and you drown like bloody rats!

  Charlie , Herb : Bye!

  [Ellen Carruthers walks in at this point] 

  Gil Godwyn : When that old bag makes me VP, I'll see to it you two never work on a cruise ship again as long as you LIVE!

  [turns around, sees Ellen] 

  Gil Godwyn : [shocked, but tries to save face]  Good evening, Ellen.

• Charlie : I'm waiting for my sexual prime.

  Liz LaBreche : And just when do you think that's gonna happen?

  Charlie : [Charlie looks at watch. She laughs]  In about five minutes.

• Gil Godwyn : [Sniffing Charles]  Is that cologne, or Armor All?

  Charlie : That's close, close. It's cologne, but I bought it at a gas station.

• Liz LaBreche : [Charlie fakes a fall onto the deck to hide from Gil spotting him fraternizing with Liz]  Oh, what's the matter? Are you all right?

  Charlie : An old football injury.

  Liz LaBreche : College?

  Charlie : No, professional. The Jets blew a 30-point lead against the Dolphins. I tried to throw my TV set out the window.

• Ellen Carruthers : [Dancing with Charlie, who is extremely awkward]  What do you call this step?

  Charlie : This is called "the Brazilian Creep."

  Ellen Carruthers : Oh?

  Charlie : In Brazil, of course, it's just called "the creep".

• Charlie : What do I look like, a schmuck?

  Mavis : The jury's still out on that one.

  Liz LaBreche : Shut up, ma. We're keepin' him.

• Charlie : You see, instead of paying for the cruise, I signed us up as dance hosts. So the cruise is free.

  Herb : What do you mean it's free, you idiot, we're WORKING here!

  Charlie : We're not working. We're dancing and cavorting.

  Herb : You moron. You don't even know how to dance!

  Charlie : Well, that's why I brought you along.

• Purser : I'm not authorized to give you that information.

  Herb : Listen, I'm not authorized to throw your ass over board, but I will!

  Charlie : You better listen to him. This man has a black belt in Sum Flung Dung. Or one of those martial art things.

• Charlie Gordon : Why are you sterilizing your trousers?

  Herb : [Annoyed]  I'm *steaming* them.

  Charlie Gordon : Oh, then what are you gonna' do, eat 'em with garlic butter?

  Herb : It takes the wrinkles out, you imbecile!

  Charlie Gordon : Huh! When a man is steaming his pants at midnight, it generally means there's a broad.

  Herb : No broad!

  Charlie Gordon : Well, that's too bad, 'cause I got one lined up: rich... "Texas rich." With an ass so beautiful, it's a shame she has to sit down on it.

  Herb : Will you do me a favor and just knock that stuff off?

  Charlie Gordon : Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were cooking.

• Liz LaBreche : My husband was in the oil business with my dad. If daddy trusted him, I figured I could trust him, too.

  Charlie : So, what happened?

  Liz LaBreche : Well, as it turned out, there were a lot of test wells he was drillin' on the side.

  Charlie : Should've had him neutered.

  Liz LaBreche : Oh, I did, ha ha. Except I used an attorney instead of a doctor.

• Charlie : [Seeing Vivian entering the dance area]  So... it's the broad that stole our airplane seats.

  Herb : [Annoyed]  That "broad" happens to have been an editor at Doubleday.

  Charlie : Who cares?

  Herb : All I was, was a clerk at Gimbel's.

  Charlie : And Secretariat was just a horse. Go on, ask her to dance!

  Herb : Oh, it's too late, Charlie.

  Charlie : There's no such thing as "too late". That's why they invented death!

• Mavis : Hah! A couple of gold diggers, comin' up empty. That's terrific!

  Charlie : We've still got the check from Carswell for $18,000.

  Liz LaBreche : But I thought you tore that...... .

  [shows her the check taped back together] 

  Liz LaBreche : You TAPED it!

  [laughs] 

• Leon the Pilot : [Last lines]  $50 apiece for picking up the two studs!

  Mavis : They ought to give you $50 apiece for CALLING them studs!

  Charlie : Herb, lend me $50 will you? All I got is this check.

  Herb : You're not getting' a nickel out of me, Charlie!

• [Herb is trying to teach Charlie to dance, but he starts doing his own dancing] 

  Herb : What are you doing?

  Charlie : Old guys do this on the streets all the time, and people throw money at them.

  Herb : You're not getting a NICKEL out of me!

• Charlie : How come every time I come here, you assume it's to borrow money?

  Herb : Because every time you come here, you borrow money!

• Gil : I've got my eye on you, Gordon.

  Charlie Gordon : You're not so bad yourself! Heh! Heh! Heh!