- Richie: I see your point.
- Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!
- Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!
- Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!
- Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down?
- Eddie: Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle!
- Richie: Quick! Change routine! Change routine!
- [At the start of act 2:]
- Richie: God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.
- [There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"]
- Eddie: We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!
- Richie: Eddie, will you stop talking to the fucking fish?
- Richie: I work my fingers to the bone trying to pep up your diet, and insert a little jazz into your food!
- Eddie: I beg your pardon!
- Richie: There you go again!
- Eddie: No, I just didn't hear what you said.
- Richie: Not true! Not true at all! You're accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!
- Eddie: How did you actually catch this fish?
- Richie: I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.
- Eddie: So it was dead already?
- Richie: Well it was on its way out, yes. I mean, it was coughing violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.
- Eddie: Was this in Bluffman's Cove?
- Richie: Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine. I think a seagull might have dropped it. Very tasty, though.
- Richie: Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.
- Eddie: Really, how does she feel?
- Richie: She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!
- [pause]
- Richie: Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke.
- Eddie: Yeah, why's that?
- Richie: 'Cos it's shit!
- Richie: Fancy a cocktail before bed?
- Eddie: Absolutely not.
- Richie: Oh come along, ya big poof! I'll make you one of my specials, how about a Bloody Mavis?
- Eddie: Now that's the one made from Gin, blood and porcupine shit isn't it? *Without* the gin!
- Richie: Hey, very popular! How about a Coconut Surprise?
- Eddie: Is that the one with napalm in it?
- Richie: No! Well, only a bit. It's a bit of something from the tin I found. You know, the one with the skull and crossbones on it that dissolved the spoon and made me go blind for a fortnight. So, fancy one?
- Eddie: I would rather watch an entire episode of Telly Addicts with sellotape over my mouth so that I had to swallow my own vomit. No correction, I would rather be sellotaped to Noel Edmonds himself! In the nude! Without ear plugs or a beard guard!
- Richie: You really are a sad, used tampon aren't you?
- Eddie: No, I'm just a little sunburnt.
- Richie: Alright, I'll make you one of my sad, poofy, girly ones then. How about a nice Slow Comfortable Fist up the Arse?
- Eddie: Why have all your cocktails got such frightening names?
- Richie: Because they're all so fucking horrible, Eddie! Get a grip, I'm working with limited ingredients here. This one's made from tree bark, sea water and porcupine urine, it's absolutely foul!
- Eddie: Oh God, I hate this! I wanna be back in Hammersmith! Even in the dead of winter, with the drizzle and the sleet, watching Supermarket *fucking* Sweep! With cancer, of the penis!
- Richie: Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.
- Eddie: Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?
- Eddie: Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.
- Richie: HE was a volunteer.
- Eddie: No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.
- Richie: Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!
- Eddie: Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.
- Richie: Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.
- Eddie: No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!