Dalziel and Pascoe (TV Series)
Child's Play (1998)
Warren Clarke: Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel
Quotes
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[Dalziel is meeting the new Deputy Chief Constable for the first time]
DCC Raymond : There are four things I like to have on my desk, Superintendent. An empty in-tray, a full out-tray, a copy of Archbold's "Evidence and Practice"...
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : That's only three things.
[Raymond reaches into the drawer of his desk and produces a Bible]
DCC Raymond : And the Book, of course, for guidance in times of confusion and uncertainty. Do *you* believe, Superintendent?
[Dalziel realises it would be unwise to say that he is not a believer]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [evasively] In the fallibility of man? Yes, sir.
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[Dalziel is working late when DCC Raymond comes into his office]
DCC Raymond : I wanted to have a word about a *serious* matter. What do you know about unnatural practices in CID?
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Oh, there's no need to worry about that. The last practising Freemason retired last year.
DCC Raymond : Andrew, it has come to my attention that there may be an active homosexual in your department. The press are onto it - that rag, The Challenger. I'm unhappy about the implications, so I would like you to tell me who it is.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : You would?
DCC Raymond : I would.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [chuckling] Well, give us a kiss and I'll tell you.
[DCC Raymond looks stony-faced]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I'm sorry, sir. It's been a long day. I take it you're serious.
DCC Raymond : Be assured of it, Superintendent.
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[Dalziel has now learned that the homosexual officer in his department is Wield, and he is determined to protect him from DCC Raymond's witch-hunt. But Raymond is still determined to find the officer's identity. Dalziel has a cunning plan]
DCC Raymond : Just one little item not yet cleared up.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Sir?
DCC Raymond : I think you'd better tell me, finally, without further prevarication.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [sighs] Right. You see, sir... the thing is... This is very difficult for me. People think I'm a big, bruising bull in a china shop, but I'm not really. Not deep down.
[Dalziel starts acting camp, and puts his arm round Raymond's shoulders]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I'm a sensitive man, really.
DCC Raymond : [alarmed] Mr Dalziel.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : You're a good listener. You know that. I've a confession to make.
DCC Raymond : Confession?
[there is a knock at the door and Pascoe walks in]
Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe : I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Raymond] Would you excuse me for just one moment.
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Pascoe] Have you been dyeing your hair, Peter?
Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe : Sir?
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : Maybe it's the sun that's bleached it a bit. Suits you, though.
[he touches Pascoe's hair]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : [to Raymond] Thank you, sir. For being so kind and understanding.
[he takes Raymond's hand and caresses it, and then leaves the room; outside Raymond's door he whispers to Pascoe that he has let Raymond believe that *he* is the homosexual, and they both burst out laughing as Raymond opens his door]
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[having just met the new Deputy Chief Constable, whom he has discovered is deeply religious and obsessed with clean hands and morality, Dalziel gives his verdict to Pascoe and Wield]
Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel : I don't know where they find them. Perhaps it's something to do with Care in the Community. Release all the crazies and make them senior officers in the police service.