Alice in Wonderland (1999 TV Movie)

Martin Short: Mad Hatter, Chinless Idiot

Quotes 

• The Dormouse : Officer, these men are criminals.

  Mad Hatter : Who's got his ear trumpet?

• Mad Hatter : I didn't know that. Personal remarks are rude?

  Alice : Mm-hmm.

  Mad Hatter : Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy. It might come in useful.

• [Alice arrives at the Mad Tea Party] 

  Alice : I'm lost. Could I get some -- ?

  The March Hare : No room.

  Mad Hatter : There's no room.

  Alice : [indignant]  There's plenty of room.

  The March Hare : Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?

  Mad Hatter : I overslept.

• The March Hare : [in an encouraging tone]  Have some wine.

  Alice : [looking down the table]  I don't see any wine.

  The March Hare : There isn't any. And you're too young.

  Alice : Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.

  The March Hare : It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation. This is a private soirée.

  Alice : Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in. I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.

  Mad Hatter : My response to that is both profound and meaningful. Get your hair cut.

• Mad Hatter : Now I have one for you.

  The March Hare : Ooh.

  Mad Hatter : Why is a raven like a writing desk?

  The March Hare : Why is a raven--?

  Mad Hatter : I'm not talking to you.

  The March Hare : Why not? Aren't I good enough?

  Mad Hatter : You've heard it before.

  The March Hare : But you were looking at me when you said "Why is a raven?"

  Mad Hatter : [angry]  I'm asking Alice!

• Mad Hatter : [singing]  Auntie's wooden leg...

  The March Hare : I say, I say, I say.

  Mad Hatter : How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say"?

  The March Hare : I say, I say, I say, in this world it's not what you know, but who you know.

  Mad Hatter : I don't know either one of them.

• Mad Hatter : [singing]  Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, / How I wonder what you're at / Up above the world so high / Like a tea tray in the sky...

• [trying to stuff the Dormouse into a teapot] 

  Mad Hatter : I told you he wouldn't fit.

  The March Hare : Oh, he'll fit. We have to try harder.

• Alice : [thinking about the riddle]  Um, Why is a raven like a writing desk? You know, I'm pretty sure I can guess.

  The March Hare : You mean you think you know the answer?

  Alice : Yes.

  The March Hare : Then you should say what you mean.

  Alice : Well, I do. At-at least-- at least I mean what I say. That-that is the same thing.

  Mad Hatter : It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see."

  [a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table] 

  The March Hare : [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter]  You might as well say "I like what I get" as "I get what I like."

  [whacks the pie] 

  The Dormouse : [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake]  Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."

  [nods off] 

  Mad Hatter : Well, it is the same thing with you.

  [chuckles] 

• Mad Hatter : [looking at his watch]  What day of the month is it?

  Alice : The fourth.

  Mad Hatter : Aha! Two days wrong.

  [glares at the March Hare] 

  Mad Hatter : I told you not to use butter.

  The March Hare : It was the best butter.

  The Dormouse : Danish.

  Mad Hatter : Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, "don't put butter in the works with a bread knife."

  The March Hare : I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see.

  Mad Hatter : I don't want to give it to you, but I will.

  [the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup] 

  The March Hare : I don't understand it. It was the best butter.

  The Dormouse : Danish.

  The March Hare : [He tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it]  Here.

  Alice : That's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month but not the time.

  Mad Hatter : Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

  Alice : No, because it stays a year for so long.

  Mad Hatter : Well, then I rest my case.

  The March Hare : Where?

  Mad Hatter : [points to a pile of suitcases]  There.

  [breaks into laughter] 

  The March Hare : I know when I'm beaten.

• The March Hare : Waiter, waiter, there's a hair in my soup.

  Mad Hatter : Is it blonde? We're missing a waitress.

• Mad Hatter : Time marches on its stomach.

  [laughs] 

  Alice : It's an army that marches on its stomach.

  The March Hare : Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea. Yuck.