Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999–2001)

Kathy Burke: Linda

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Talking to the forgetful funeral director] 

  Bob Hobbs : Well it's traditional to tell family and friends. I mean, ya can tell a complete stranger, but they don't often give a...

  Linda : Shit?

  Bob Hobbs : Donation.

• Linda La Hughes : There aint no such thing as bisexuality, it's just greediness.

• Linda La Hughes : Tom, I ain't a pussy-person. When people look at me, they don't think 'cat', they think 'dog'.

• [Linda's son Zippy is trying to find out who is father is from his birth certificate] 

  Zippy : It says here his name was Owen Nistand

  Linda : What?

  Zippy : Owen Nistand

  Linda : Let me see

  [looks at it] 

  Linda : Oh! Hahahahaha! That's not Owen Nistand that's one night stand! Your daddy was a one night stand! I wasn't good at spelling in those days.

• Linda La Hughes : I ain't phobic about 'omos, I just can't stand the sight of 'em!

• Linda La Hughes : I've had my best sex in the dark. Well blokes prefer it that way, don't they?

• Linda La Hughes : I wouldn't mind him putting his hand up my skirt and moving my lips, if you know what I mean!

• Zippy : Are you pleased to see me?

  Linda : Of course I'm pleased to see you Zippy. It's just a shock, I haven't been this shocked since well I gave birth to you. I thought you were wind, I very nearly called you Fart.

• Linda La Hughes : Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? What a rip off! Phone a friend? What if you haven't got any friends?

• Linda La Hughes : I feel like that fucking trannie from Coronation Street!

• Linda La Hughes : I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire! I'd get my bellows out and i'd stoke her up good and proper! Burn, bitch! Burn!

• Linda La Hughes : D'you know, I think they must a got a puppy for Christmas, cos I could hear her fella shouting in the background "I'm not havin' that dog back in my house" and then she said "party's off".

  [Tom pauses for a moment to absorbs this, and then we see a smirk come across his face] 

  Tom : You're such a sad bitch!

• Sugar Walls : We had to stick her in a kennel from the age of eight, just so we could get some bloody sleep!

  Linda La Hughes : You make it sound abnormal.

• [to Sugar Walls, Linda's celebrity sister] 

  Tom : You're very popular on the gay scene.

  Linda : So is amyl nitrate and they both smell like old socks.

• Linda : Should have taken in a show. I love a good play.

  [Tom looks at her in disbelief] 

  Tom : You? The last play you went to see was "The Chip 'n' dales"; which, incidentally, is not a play.

  Linda : It was in a theatre. It had an interval. I had ice cream.

  Tom : The theatre should be exciting.

  Linda : I was stuck to my seat.

• Linda La Hughes : Well, German's are very misunderstood people, Tom. Take Fritz' mum Helga, she'll sit on your face, as soon as look at you.

• Linda La Hughes : No, Tom! Don't go near the windows! Don't go near the windows!

  Tom : Why?

  Linda La Hughes : Umm... Because Tom, Did you know that 175% of all drive-by shootings happen near French Windows?

  Tom : Twiggy preserve us.. One is no longer safe in one's own home... It's like that really scary movie, that really violent one. Damn, what's it called? Chocolate Orange!

• Tom : [on the phone]  Oh, hang on, I'll ask my PA...

  [pretending to call his PA] 

  Tom : P.A.! P.A.!

  Linda La Hughes : [gives him a look]  P. Off!

• Linda La Hughes : Don't touch what ya can't afford!

• Linda La Hughes : Tom, I can't be a lesbian, I mean, look at me, I'm gorgeous!

  Tom : Loads of lezzers are gorgeous! Take...

  [Thinks for a long time] 

  Tom : Velma from Scooby Doo.

• [about Zippy's father] 

  Linda : All I remember is that I was at a party and he was dressed as a pillar box.

  Tom : Was it a fancy dress part, mummy?

  Linda : Well this is the worrying thing daddy, no.

• Jez Littlewood : Three years.

  Linda La Hughes : Oh I bet your gagging for a nibble on another plate of muffins!

• Tom : Oh, what do you know about love?

  Linda La Hughes : I know it's in the dictionary between labia and lust.

• Linda La Hughes : I should've been black. It's only a fluke of nature that I weren't.

• Linda La Hughes : Oh my God who's that gorgeous creature? Oh my God it's me!

• Linda La Hughes : I am the auburn Jerry Hall.

• Melinda Messenger : [dream sequence]  Linda, I wish I looked half as good as you in that dress

  Linda La Hughes : Keep dreaming babe!

• Linda La Hughes : I Love smoking, me... Mummy gave me my first ciggy when I was 10, and I've never looked back!

  Tom : Well, I've got to say, Linda, this is a surprise.

  Linda La Hughes : Tom... You know I smoke.

• Linda La Hughes : Urgh! Taxi-Twat was in my bed all along!

• Linda La Hughes : I should be a glam mum like Scary Spice... Tits up here, arse out there, Max Beesley giving me a lick.

• Tom : What have you done? You foolish, foolish child!

  Linda La Hughes : I've opened our back garden up as a camp site.

• Linda La Hughes : Tom? You've got a headache.

  [She punches him] 

• Linda La Hughes : Oh, Zippy, I could talk to you till the cows come home. In fact that's what Daddy used to say to me when I came in of a night "Oh, look, the cow's come home."

• Linda La Hughes : Excuse me, will have have sex with me?

• Miss Twitch : I love your dress sense, Linda.

  Linda La Hughes : Think like a slut. Dress like a slut.