- [Sara is filming Brennan]
- Sara Newton: So, Brennan. Dad said this is going to be the funnest vacation ever. Can we get your reaction?
- [Brennan flips Sara off]
- Sara Newton: [tattling] I'm gonna tell you did that!
- [Beethoven has outrun both Tommy and Bill; resulting in crashing their car and drenching it in cement]
- Bill: That dog trashed the car!
- Tommy: [stuttering] J-just don't tell my mom!
- Bill: [sarcastically] It's covered in cement.
- Tommy: Don't tell her.
- Bill: [as he tries to wipe the wet cement off the windshield] Oh, she's gonna know.
- [Richard tries to find a valve while he's driving; Bill and Tommy attempt to stop him]
- Richard Newton: [to Beth; after he finds the maim sewage control valve] Here it is.
- Beth Newton: Here's what, Honey?
- Richard Newton: The main sewage control valve.
- [Richard pulls the valve as they drive pass Tommy and Bill]
- Richard Newton: [to the family] See?
- [cut back to Tommy and Bill,who are now covered in urine and fecal matter, they both scream]
- Tommy: It's Number two!
- [Bill sobs]
- [after Beethoven saves Sara from being kidnapped]
- Beth Newton: Beethoven, I was wrong about you. You are a hero.
- [Brennan tries to watch "The Shakiest Gun in The West" on the DVD player; but as he presses play, he sees a computer code]
- Brennan Newton: [to his dad; regarding the DVD] Dad, this disc is a reject.
- Richard Newton: What? No, that was supposed to be one of the highlights of the trip.
- [Richard shows his family the RV for the first time]
- Richard Newton: [to Brennan] Hey, Brennan. I bet all your friends are gonna be staying in hotels this summer. We're gonna sleep beside pristine lakes in the great outdoors, and the beauty of it is...
- Richard Newton: [shouting; to his family] ... this rig has everything! So, you'll never even know you left home.
- Brennan Newton: [not excited] That's just it, Dad: It's home, but smaller for two weeks.
- [the Newtons are debating whether or not they should bring Beethoven]
- Sara Newton: [to her parents] You wouldn't put Ted, Ryce, or Emily in a kennel, and Beethoven's our cousin, too.
- [Bill and Tommy, both wearing sumo outfits are chased by Beethoven back into their car]
- Tommy: [to Bill] I knew we should've taken your mom's minivan!
- [Richard is driving the RV through a bug zone on a desert road]
- Brennan Newton: So, Dad, that hotel I mentioned? It's pretty close by.
- Richard Newton: [to Brennan] We're not staying in a hotel. I didn't stay in one in my childhood motor home trip, and we ain't staying in one now! We're perfectly fine in our house on wheels, everyone got that?
- [first lines]
- [Sara and Beth are packing for their trip]
- Beth Newton: What are you doing?
- Sara Newton: [holding a camcorder] Dad said I'm family videographer. I'm documenting our journey!
- [Beth grabs some items and chuckles at Sara's comment]
- Beth Newton: We're not going on a journey, Sara. We're going on a very long drive.
- Beth Newton: Nuh-uh! Dad said we're taking a journey!
- [Beth chuckles again]
- Sara Newton: Does the R.V. have a power port for my laptop?
- Beth Newton: Well, we're on a budget, Sara and the economy R.V. might not even have a toilet; but I'm sure it has a cigarette lighter.
- Sara Newton: [sternly] Power port, mom. We don't say "cigarette lighter" anymore.
- Beth Newton: Well, we also don't walk around with a milk mustache no matter how much it accentuates our booger nose, Sara.
- [Beth wipes off Sara's milk mustache as she's filming]
- Sara Newton: Sorry, I'm too excited about our trip. Mom, Dad has been quoted as saying this is gonna be the funnest vacation ever. Can we get *your* reaction?
- Beth Newton: Honey, driving across town to a family reunion, cooking, cleaning, organizing and budgeting is not fun and *not* a vacation! Yet, it's what I do with my free time.
- [Beth grimaces at Sara]
- Beth Newton: [an old fashioned RV drives past the Newton residence]
- Beth Newton: Oh no!
- Sara Newton: [disgusted] Eww!
- Beth Newton: [worried this is the RV Richard bought] No, please!
- [the clunker of RV has passed their drive way]
- Beth Newton: [relieved] Thank you.
- [a modern RV pulls into the Newtons' driveway]
- Beth Newton: No! Not my gnomes!
- [the RV hits a couple of lawn gnomes as it stops in the driveway; much to Beth's annoyance]
- Beth Newton: [commenting on the size of the RV Richard has rented] He got the biggest one they had!
- [Richard steps out of the RV]
- Richard Newton: Now this... is camping!
- Sara Newton: [as she runs to greet her father and check out the RV] Dad, this is so cool!
- Richard Newton: You like it? Go check it out!
- [Brennan steps out of the RV irritated]
- Brennan Newton: [to Richard] You think that's cool? Wait until *your* friends drive by, pointing at it and laughing at *you*! Then we'll see how cool you think it is!
- Richard Newton: Brennan, maybe one of the just told a joke. Did you consider that?
- Brennan Newton: Yeah. The joke was, "Look everybody! Brennan Newton is going on vacation with his family in a bus!" God, how lame is that? Even Jessica Donnelly saw me.
- Richard Newton: Hey, Brenn. Your friends are all gonna stay in hotels this summer. We're gonna sleep beside pristine lakes in the great outdoors; and the beauty of it is this rig has everything! So you'll never even know you left home!
- Brennan Newton: That's just it, Dad. It's home, but smaller for two weeks.
- [Brennan takes off still irritated]
- Brennan Newton: [under his breath] I don't even wanna go on this stupid trip anyway.
- Bill: [having discovered Sara and Beethoven in the hijacked RV] Oh, my God! We're kidnappers. Tommy, you never said nothing about us being kidnappers!
- Tommy: [completely oblivious] Shut up. You're babbling. Stop babbling and let me think.
- Bill: Think about what? We are going to jail!
- Tommy: [raising his voice] Panicking is not allowed!
- Bill: [finally having a qualm] Tommy, you said nobody was gonna get hurt!
- Tommy: [completely rude] Well, no one has been hurt, so shut up!
- Bill: [fed up with his selfish boss's rudeness] No, no, YOU shut up!
- Tommy: [furious that his reformed minion would dare talk back to him] No, YOU shut up!
- Bill: [defiantly] YOU shut up!
- Tommy: No, YOU shut up!
- Bill: YOU shut up!
- Tommy: [not wanting to argue anymore] You first! You shut up! La-la-la, can't hear you. Can't listen to you.
- Richard Newton: [telling the truth of the disasterious road trip, at the bug crossing] All I wanted to do is give my family a great vacation. It's been one disaster after another. This is even worse than the motor home vacation I had as a kid.
- Brennan Newton: [shocked at this deception] What?
- Beth Newton: I thought you loved that trip.
- Richard Newton: [revealing his lie] I hated it.
- Beth Newton: Well, then why do you keep telling us how much you loved it?
- Richard Newton: [telling the full truth] Because I wanted to remember it that way. I wanted to forget how bad it really was. And the truth is... it was horrible. My brother and I fought the whole 2,000 miles. And Spartacus, our dog, was car sick. Can you believe that? A car sick dog? It was horrible. My mother -- My mother kept telling us how much fun we were having, but we weren't having any fun. My dad drove himself crazy trying to make sure we had fun.
- Sara Newton: [sparing his feelings] It's okay, Daddy. We know how you feel.
- Brennan Newton: Yeah, Dad. We know exactly how you feel.
- Bill: [On their hunt, in the desert, as Tommy is jacking their car] Can I say just one thing?
- Tommy: Yes, you can. And you know what you can say? You can say, "I will not open my big fat mouth, Tommy, until we find the DVD!"
- Bill: Tommy, listen, we have been following those Newtons for a very long time now.
- Tommy: Duh, whiney pants. You think I don't know that?
- Bill: Well, I don't know what you know, 'cause you said it was gonna be easy.
- Tommy: [holding a handful of sand, threateningly] So help me God, if you don't shut up, I will make you eat sand.
- Bill: What are we doing?
- Tommy: We are having a problem.
- Bill: Yeah, yeah, I know that! It's been like a week, and we don't have the DVD yet!
- Tommy: [holding the sand again] I will make you eat sand! We are having tire trouble!
- Bill: We're not having tire trouble. The tires are perfectly fine. You just pulled over and jacked the car why?
- [Tommy deflates two tires with a corkscrew]
- Bill: You popped two tires, and we only have one spare.
- Tommy: [annoyed with his minion's mouthiness] Lord, you gave him brains, but he does not think. You gave him a mouth which he never shuts up! Listen to me, you brussels sprout. With two slashed tires, it's twice as likely that the Newtons will pull over to help us. So, we will wave them down, ask them to take us to the nearest gas station, and while we are on board the RV we will take the disc without anyone knowing. Blast off!
- [pause]
- Tommy: What? What, what?
- Bill: [Understading his boss's scheme] Your plan is brilliant, Tommy. I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I doubted you.
- [They embrace]
- Tommy: Oh, it's okay. I know.
- Bill: It's just I need coffee.