- Vic: I'm speechless. I'm speechless you conniving, randy, bogus Oriental old queen. Your record sleeves are better than your songs!
- [About the hairdryer a stylist is using on him]
- Screaming Lord Byron: I've got a teensy weensy little headache, and I wonder if you might switch that thing OFF... until I finish passing out, thank you.
- Vic: I know the man. Actually we're distantly related. My... um... my mothers sister - she married his old man in Cheltenham. That makes me his half-cousin, twice removed... or... close enough.
- [Pointing at random name on the guest list.]
- Vic: That's me.
- Foyeur Lady: Oh yeah? Er... you're a bit thinner this time int ya? Demmis Rousos! On your bike, son!
- Vic: He'll find out sooner or later about his mother. Only I did promise I'd tell him personally - you know what mothers... are... like. How's your mother? She well? I hope so.
- Vic: Mr Screaming. Er... good evening. I'm from the Melody Faces - no - one of the music magazines. I was with a music magazine now I'm with a more high profile kind of... aw I've really hurt me head.
- Vic: [narrating, getting dressed] Frankie Relax is definitely out. I'm not advertising Frankie until they tell us who he is.