- Shelby: Say it, Michael.
- Michael: Say it?
- Shelby: I won't do it unless you say it.
- Michael: I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here. What is it exactly you want me to say?
- Shelby: You know. Those three... little... words...
- Michael: Those three little words... Hold on a minute.
- Shelby: What? What's wrong?
- Michael: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
- Shelby: Why are you acting like this?
- Michael: Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot. But things are just moving a little too fast. I'm just not ready to say, "I love you".
- Shelby: What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?
- Michael: Oh, come on. Back there. You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.
- Shelby: You colossal moron! "Suck... my... cock".
- Michael: Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock!
- [Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom]
- Michael: Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death!
- Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.
- Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!
- [plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]
- Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.
- [screams as the gate touches his backside]
- Kyle: [to Michael Delany] Two things I hate: Chicks who want commitment, and asshoIes who want to borrow money.
- Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.
- Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?
- Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.
- Steve: Like my mom?
- Kyle: Yeah, exactly.
- Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.
- Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.
- Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.
- Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.
- Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.
- Kyle: [at the cosmetics counter, where Natalie is working as the Cosmetics Counter Girl. Kyle picks up some lipstick] Man, I hate this shade of lipstick - it stays on your dick for like a week!
- Natalie: [shocked look on her face, disgusted by his comment, but then she regains her composure] : Then you should try our hypo-allergenic cleanser.
- Michael: [at the Sperm Bank, sets a filled container on the counter] This.
- Nurse Nancy: Dude.
- Michael: [sets another filled container on the counter] And this.
- Nurse Nancy: *Dude*!
- Michael: [sets yet another filled container on the counter] And this.
- Nurse Nancy: [surprised and impressed] DUDE!
- [Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Devil" boxers she randomly bought for him]
- Michael: Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Devil socks.