- [At his mother's grave]
- Max: Ma, have you given any thought to moving next to Pop? I think he really misses you. You wouldn't have to talk to him. I think he just wants to lie next to you. It's cold over there. He doesn't have the sun like you. (Listens) Okay.
- Harry: What'd she say?
- Max: She wants to sleep on it.
- [Ira has written "I Have A Brain Tumor" on the wall]
- Max: Is that gonna wash off?
- Ira: Don't you care what might happen to me.
- Max: First let's discuss what happened to my wall. Is that gonna wash off?
- Ira: I don't think so. It's a permanent marker.
- Max: If that doesn't wash off, you will DEFINITELY have a brain tumor.
- Carol: You wrote on the wall with an indelible marker? A mother would drown her own child for doing that!
- Brian: The game is funny names.
- Ira: You against me? Where's the challenge? You can have all the other writers.
- Carol: Why do I want children? Look what they become.
- Val: All right. Let's get this over with. What's the bet?
- Writers: Shoes! We're playing for shoes. They take off their shoes My seventy dollar aligators against his worn out Irish cop shoes after 5 St. Patrick's Day parades.
- Val: Brian: Up the Irish Crosses Himself Ira: Screw the Pharoah Val:Aaaaaand... Go!
- Brian: Rabbi John Wayne.
- Writers: Eh.
- Ira: The Count of Monte through Friday.
- Writers: Oooh!
- Brian: Ira Chuvney.
- Ira: Ira Chuvney. That's my name. What's funny about that.
- Brian: Nothing. NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT IRA CHUVNEY!
- Writers: Applaud
- [NBC plans on putting a "spy/observer" onto Max's show]
- Max: If he's REALLY observant, he's gonna observe me getting upset! And then he's gonna observe me very quietly, and very politely, putting my fist through his fucking face!
- [Max then punches a hole in the wall]