- [over a shot of a map labelled "Alcana," on the border of Alaska and Canada]
- Narrator: Alcana! A thin town on the dotted line between Mexico and Israel!
- [having captured an anti-smoking resistance fighter]
- German Commandant: This man is Butt Buster.
- Corporal Galvoiser: Quoi?
- German Commandant: Can you say 'Butt Buster'?
- Corporal Galvoiser: [heavy French accent] Bu-u-utt Bustair?
- German Commandant: Huh. Guess you can't.
- Butt Buster: [after fighting the Nazi smokers] Herr Fatso couldn't handle his smoke.
- Captain Smokestopper: And I handle myself. You're talking to Captain Smokestopper.
- Butt Buster: Really? You're putting me on!
- Captain Smokestopper: I'll prove it. This is the ring I got for not smoking in the bathroom at St. Nicotine's...just like yours. That's right, Butt. Captain Galvoiser told us all about you.
- Butt Buster: And I read all about YOU in the "Straight People's Weekly," didn't I?
- Captain Smokestopper: I wrote the story, and I took the picture in one of those booths for a quarter. And I named myself Captain Smokestopper, so I'd never forget to remember my name.
- [complimenting Captain Smokestopper's costume]
- Butt Buster: They're bitchin' threads. Guess you have to beat off the girls.
- Captain Smokestopper: Nah, I handle myself.
- Captain Kiddy: What have you got to show me?
- Captain Kiddy's Scientist: You're probably going to pretend to hit me when I tell you.
- [Captain Kiddy raises his hand as if to strike him, then stops]
- Captain Kiddy's Scientist: You see?
- [fleeing from a flood of Silly Putty]
- Barbie: If that Silly Putty hits us, it'll bounce our brains out!
- Ken: That shouldn't bother you any.
- [singing, after Barbie shoots Captain Kiddy]
- Captain Kiddy's Scientist: You killed the pirate with his own toy gun!
- [speaking to God, who is a beautiful blonde woman]
- Archangel Gabe: Look, we gotta modernize, and that's why we made a pin-up like you God. Right, Jerry?
- Jerry, the Ex-God: Right. I was God when old men were happening. And though that scam lasted for 5,000 years, these Californicates are youth-oriented.
- Archangel Gabe: [thinking] I've got plans for this dump, and no ditzy diety's gonna stop me!
- Jerry, the Ex-God: [thinking] I don't trust that bozo's interior monologues.
- Jerry, the Ex-God: [thinking] This is a great time for an interior monologue. Wish I had something to say.