Phoenix Nights (2001–2002)
Peter Kay: Brian Potter, Max, Paul Le Roy, Keith Lard
Photos
Quotes
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[talking about the inflatable Penis]
Jerry St Clair : We're not having that.
Brian Potter : You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.
Dodgy Eric : But Brian...
Brian Potter : It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.
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[Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol]
Max : Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.
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Brian Potter : What's the matter with you, man?
Jerry St Clair : What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.
Brian Potter : Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?
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Dodgy Eric : [about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.
Brian Potter : Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.
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[Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis]
Dodgy Eric : Well what do you think?
Brian Potter : It's not a bouncy castle.
Dodgy Eric : You never said a castle.
Brian Potter : I said I wanted an inflatable.
Dodgy Eric : It is an inflatable.
Brian Potter : Inflatable filth.
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[discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis]
Young Kenny : Can't we disguise it?
Brian Potter : Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.
Dodgy Eric : It's not what it looks Brian.
Brian Potter : Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.
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[Max produces a package]
Paddy : Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max : Have I.
[Opens package to reveal a gun]
Paddy : What on earth is that?
Max : That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.
Paddy : I'm not using that...
Max : Why, what's wrong with it?
Paddy : It's an antique that's what it is.
Max : Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.
Paddy : Was that in the Second World War?
Max : No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.
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[receiving a prank telephone call]
Brian Potter : Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.
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[a group of students are causing trouble in the club]
Brian Potter : Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.
Stu : I'm not going till I get a refund.
Brian Potter : Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.
Stu : I want my money back.
Brian Potter : I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.
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Brian Potter : [finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite.
Jerry St Clair : Why?
Brian Potter : Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.
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Brian Potter : Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!
Les : An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"
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[Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside]
Max : All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?
Brian Potter : False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?
[laughing on other end of phone]
Brian Potter : Who is this?
[realizing it's a prank]
Brian Potter : I know who ya are, who are ya?
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[Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore]
Max : Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.
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Brian Potter : I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.
Les : Build what?
Brian Potter : A new Phoenix.
Jerry St Clair : Here we go again.
Brian Potter : Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.
Jerry St Clair : Food eh?
Brian Potter : But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...
Max : Garlic bread?
Brian Potter : Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.
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Brian Potter : It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.
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Brian Potter : There is a horse in my cabaret suite.
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Brian Potter : I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.
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Jerry St Clair : [discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian.
Brian Potter : Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?
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Brian Potter : Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside!
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[Repeated Line]
Brian Potter : I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled.
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Brian Potter : We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.