Dead Ringers (2002–2007)

Jan Ravens: Fiona Bruce, Kirsty Wark, Queen Elizabeth II, Sophie Raworth, Sharon Osbourne, Delia Smith, Ellen MacArthur, Kirstie Allsopp, Sam Ryan, Anne Robinson, Carol Vorderman, Clare Short, Frodo Baggins, Linda Barker, Natasha Kaplinsky, Tanya Byron, Germaine Greer, Pat Butcher, Rachel Elnaugh, Aggie MacKenzie, Barbara Windsor, C.J. Cregg, Cherie Blair, Joan Bakewell, Lesley Garrett, M, Sandra Pullman, Stacie Monroe, Tessa Jowell, Thora Hird, Ann Widdecombe, Bree Van de Kamp, Gillian McKeith, Hazel Irvine, Hyacinth Bucket, Judi Dench, Kate Silverton, Miss Hoolie, Nigella Lawson, Rebecca Mitchell, Carol Smillie, Catherine Willows, Condoleezza Rice, Dido, Estelle Morris, Georgina Channing, Hannah Gordon, Helen Willetts, Hillary Clinton, Jennifer Aniston, June Whitfield, Katie Price, Kerry Katona, Madonna, Margaret Thatcher, Meryl Streep, Pauline Prescott, Rose Tyler, Sian Lloyd, Tracey Emin, Alice Fairfax, Amish Lady, Amy Winehouse, Ana Matronic, Angela Merkel, Angry Woman in Audience, Annie Cartwright, Audrey Tautou, BBC Ad Woman, BBC Producer, BBC2 Robot, Barbara Good, Beatrix Potter, Belinda Scott, Beyonce, Big Read Bookworm, Bridget Jones, Camilla Parker Bowles, Caroline Quentin, Cat Deeley, Chloe O'Brian, Christopher Eccleston's Mum, Clarissa Dickson Wright, Deborah Meaden, Diane Keaton, Diane Sawyer, Digital Radio Listener, Elizabeth Fremantle, Fatima Al-Bruce, Gabby Logan, Gillian Clark, Glenda Jackson, Grace Foley, Gwen Cooper, Gwen Stefani, Heathergreen Patti-Cake Brownie, Helen Mirren, Hilda Braid, Iris Murdoch, Jane...

Quotes 

• Fiona Bruce : Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.

  Nick Ross : Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

• Kirsty Wark : I'm Kirsty Wark and welcome to Newsnight. I'm getting a bit up there but you still would, wouldn't you?

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, I'm Kirsty Wark. You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, merry Christmas your arse, I pray god it's our last. More on that story later.

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, this is Kirsty Wark. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right, It's better than yours. More on that story later.

• Narrator : [singing about the brightly coloured blobs]  We're just like the others at first sight / But we don't infringe copyright. / Otherwise auntie BBC's arse would get sued by the teletubbies.

• Frodo : Oh, wise Gandalf, where will my quest take me?

  Gandalf : Young Frodo, you must travel across the Misty Mountains, through the perilous forests of Fangorn, until at last you will set sight on Ithilien.

  Frodo : And when I get there, shall I find the One ring? Shall I bring it back to you?

  Gandalf : No, just get 20 Silk Cut and a box of matches. But don't tell Bilbo, he thinks I've quit.

• Narrator : Bobo, are you a boy?

  [Bobo shakes his head] 

  Narrator : Bobo, are you a girl?

  [Bobo shakes his head] 

  Narrator : Are you totally asexual to make this show appealing to the lucrative middle-eastern markets? Thought so...

• Tony Blair : Well, Kirsty, the new extension on the M25 will run straight through the BBC newsroom.

  Kirsty Wark : But Prime Minister, aren't you just being vindictive against the BBC?

  Tony Blair : Nope.

  Kirsty Wark : Then why are you kicking my leg under the table?

  Tony Blair : Didn't.

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, you're watching Newsnight. Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.

• Kirsty Wark : If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

• Fiona Bruce : Hello, and welcome to celebrity Crimewatch, with me, Fiona Bruce. Rhhrrr! Hear me roar!

  Nick Ross : And I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak, it'd say Hello, I'm Nick Ross.

• Kirstie Allsopp : Welcome back to Location, Location, Location. I'm Kirstie Allsopp, tog value 14.5

• Delia Smith : Hello, and welcome to my interminable cookery show.

• Kirsty Wark : He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.

• Joan Blakewell : We have been granted an exclusive interview with God. That's right... God. Here. On the BBC. Up yours, Martin Bashir, we're the daddy now.

• Mark Lawson : Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, post-match-analysis for toffs, and the latest book to get the big-screen treatment is "The Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Myers. Germaine Greer, what did you think?

  Germaine Greer : I thought it was terrible, so boring and predictable, and that awful way they spoke - I mean, does anyone really speak like that? I went to the cinema and I hated it.

  Mark Lawson : Well, would you watch it on a train?

  Germaine Greer : I would not watch it on a train.

  Mark Lawson : Would you watch it on a plane?

  Germaine Greer : Not on a train, not on a plane. I would not watch it here, I would not watch it there, I would not watch it anywhere.

• Sharon Osbourne : What's the matter, Ozzy? you haven't looked this depressed since you remembered you were from Birmingham.

• Delia Smith : Hello. I'm not going to be doing any of my cookery shows, as I've actually done every recipe that's existed in the world, ever. As I found out last week, when I tried to serve up wooden barrel shavings, on a bed of lightly flogged horse.

• Mark Lawson : Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, a high-fibre diet in programme form. First tonight, a book by the Danish novelist Piers Van Hoostrung. Tom?

  Tom Paulin : I thought it was an astonishing novel, over 400 pages explore the notion of identity as glimpsed through the idealogical canope's of language itself. For me, it's one of the novels of the year.

  Mark Lawson : Uh, Germaine?

  Germaine Greer : Well, I was totally blown away by the distopian vision of the novel as a sort of trope for our own fragmented lives, and

  Mark Lawson : I'm sorry Germaine, I'll have to stop you there, because I've just heard in my earpeice that our last viewer has finally fallen asleep. Well done everyone.

• Kirsty Wark : [on how the P.M. makes vital decisions]  What is the point of all this?

  Tony Blair : Nothing, really. It just passes the time until George starts another war!

• Fiona Bruce : David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss of during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing off!

• Narrator : New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure forever. Yes, "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films". Who can forget Alan's carefully honed performance in "Die Hard"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, John McClane!

  Narrator : His unique interpretation of the Sheriff of Nottingham in "Robin Hood"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood!

  Narrator : And of course his towering performance in "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, Harry Potter!

  Narrator : Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him that he was now hopelessly typecast forever.

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, you lousy agent!

  Narrator : Buy "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie" and get "Dame Judi Dench plays every woman over 40 in every British Film" completely free!

  Judi Dench : Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch. I'll get you, A.S. Byatt.

• Cat Deeley : Good evening, and welcome to 'Fame Academy'

  Patrick Kielty : I'm Patrick Kielty. Look, I'm Irish, I've got spiky hair, so, in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories.

  Cat Deeley : And I'm Cat Deeley, top, hot, toffee-coloured totty. Later tonight you'll be seeing tears and disappointment when my agent tells me that CD:UK won't have me back after this carnage finishes.

  Patrick Kielty : Tonight we've got 12 contestants, 3 judges, 2 viewers.

• David Dimbleby : Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys. It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly. The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened. We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.

  Tony Blair : A terrible thing has happened, and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved. When I find out what it is, I shall be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television. Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Ian-Duncan-Smith smile.

  David Dimbleby : Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And the Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.

  Ian Duncan Smith : Well, I am totally devastated and appalled.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am not only devastated and appalled. I am outraged and shocked.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.

  David Dimbleby : And no sombre occasion like this would be complete without a statement from the palace.

  Queen Elizabeth II : My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen. One just forgot to mention it to anyone.

  David Dimbleby : And now it's time for some pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen. Professor, what is this terrible thing?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : Well, I have no idea.

  David Dimbleby : Well, that won't stop you answering the question though, will it?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book 'Terrible Things That Can Happen', I did say that somewhere, at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen, and I've been proved right.

  David Dimbleby : Right... Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away, and no westerners were involved. Good night.

• Fiona Bruce : I'm sitting on the luckiest chair in Britain.

• Fiona Bruce : I get 120,000 letters a week. Half from the same three men.

• Nigella Lawson : [describing how to brush your teeth]  First of all you need a tube of toothpaste. I always like to use one that's thick and completely engorged with fluoride. So gripping the tube firmly by the stem, using your fingers to caress and squeeze it lightly and firmly, until sure enough the end of the tube should ooze out and form thick white paste onto your brush. So then you just playfully insert the brush into your mouth, and make sure it gets in all the cracks. Begin a stroking motion up and down, up and down, up and down, faster and faster until your mouth is frothing with a creamy white freshness. Now take it out of your mouth, rinse it off and as for the stuff left in your mouth, take care never to swallow and always to spit.

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, and welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark, formulated and controlled by Laboratoire Garnier, Paris. The shock felt in the music world when Pop Idol, Will Young, came out has now been echoed at Westminster.

  Ian Duncan Smith : In this new spirit of openness, I feel I too must come out, and admit to the world that I, Ian Duncan Smith, am Leader of the Conservative Party.

  Kirsty Wark : This shock revelation has left millions of Ian's teenage fans heartbroken. I'm joined now by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

  Tony Blair : I'm right behind Ian on this. Caring eyebrows, tolerant forehead, compassionate Paul Smith suit. You know, the days when people had to be ashamed that they were a Tory Leader really should be in the past. Some of my best friends are Tories. In fact, all my friends are Tories.

• Fiona Bruce : Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?

• Fiona Bruce : I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!

• Fiona Bruce : Hello and welcome to the News at 10, as every young boy deserves Fiona!

• Sophie Raworth : Hello and welcome to the news - the news with sore nipples!

• Sophie Raworth : This is the breast show in Britain!

• Fiona Bruce : You're watching NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had *my* ballot box well and truly stuffed.

• Delia Smith : I've now decided to concentrate on my other great passion. No, not that. It's football. I've outlined all the basic ingredients of how to spectate in my new book "Delia's How to Spectate". And it includes 130 new chants, including "Who's the bastard in the black?" Of course, the answer is Nigella Lawson.

• Fiona Bruce : You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Fiona Bruce. Now with improved rear suspension and dual airbags.

• Sophie Raworth : The extent to which footballing legend, George Best, has fallen off the wagon was revealed today when his new liver demanded a free transfer to Paul Gascoigne.

• [an advert for Osama Bin Laden's stand up video] 

  Narrator : More controversial than Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary than Jim Davidson!