In-Laws (2002–2003)

Dennis Farina: Victor Pellet

Photos 

Quotes 

• Victor : Private convo time.

• Matt : Oh, well, the truth is, and we didn't want to worry you but, uh, we had a flat.

  Victor : Well, I don't see any grease on your hands. What'd you make my daughter change it?

• Matt : That's so funny! You take your aggression out on a toy!

  Victor : Be glad, Matt!

• Marlene : Victor, does our insurance cover sledgehammer accidents?

  Victor : No. Why?

  Marlene : Nothing!

• Victor : What the hell is that?

  Matt : It's a C.D. The kids use it to play music.

  Victor : Don't mock me! I know what a Compact Dish is!

• Victor : Still coming down. Matt, you must've washed that car but good!

  Alex : Daddy!

  Matt : Your father's right, the weather's my fault... along with world hunger and global warming.

• Victor : What's going on?

  Marlene : Alex wants Matt to fit in.

  Victor : Where?

  Marlene : Here.

  Victor : Why?

• [Victor and Marlene eavesdrop at the door] 

  Victor : What's going on now?

  Marlene : Matt thinks we're listening.

  Victor : That paranoid little bastard!

• Victor : Just because I don't like someone doesn't mean that I don't have good manners. Now, if you'll excuse me, Matt.

• Victor : If anything happened to Matt before I got the chance to kill him, I'll never forgive myself.

• Victor : You see, Chip is your friend. He trusts you, so you're going to exploit that to talk him out of his dream. That way, Chip takes over the business, Charles retires, and I become King of Kings.

  Matt : What are you, a James Bond villain?

• Matt : So, how was the funeral?

  Alex : You know, it was kind of sad. I've lived next door to Mr. Henderson all my life and I hardly talked to him.

  Victor : Well, that's why he was a good neighbor!

• Victor : I can't believe the big guy came knockin' for him so soon.

  Matt : He was 97. I can't believe he heard the door!

• Victor : Well, you'll never find a more thoughtful neighbor. He even had the decency to croak during the day, so that when the ambulance came, I was at work. Now that's class, brother!

• Victor : Marlene didn't make me sleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching a documentary on The Discovery Channel.

  Matt : Really? What was it about?

  Victor : Turtles who are extinct because they don't mind their own business.

• Victor : And then everything changed one faithful night.

  Matt : I think you mean "fateful."

  Victor : How would you know? You weren't even there!

• Matt : Aren't you gonna wear goggles?

  Victor : No, Snoopy, I'll leave that fashion statement to you.

• Victor : You know what's ironic? That your name is "Matt" and today I walked all over you.

• Victor : Do you wanna learn or do you wanna be cute?

  Matt : I'd like to do a little of both.

• Victor : Well that was the worst movie ever made!

  Alex : Daddy, how do you know? We barely stayed past the opening credits.

  Victor : Well that's because in the first ten minutes it contained two of my movie dealbreakers: period costumes and male nudity.

  Marlene : Well I liked the part I saw... Oh, that didn't come out right!

• Matt : Why are you watching a blue screen?

  Victor : Because I've got six remotes and I don't know which one works the VCR.

• [Matt storms out] 

  Victor : Well I hope you two are happy! He's the only one who knows how to work the VCR!

• Victor : I hate cats. They always look like they're keeping a secret and they know somethin' you don't. Plus they do their business in a box, and I'm telling ya, that's not right!

• Victor : He had the nerve to call our daughter spoiled in our home?

  Marlene : I know!

  Victor : Well we better buy her something to make her feel better!

• Victor : Marlene, what have I been dreaming about for the last six months?

  Marlene : Matt with big chipmunk teeth, chasing you with a frying pan?

• Victor : Did you realize that up until now, the fastest you can get your car lubed is ten minutes? We're gonna shatter that record, Marlene. This is an eight-minute lube. And do you realize that two minutes over the course of a lifetime is an extra day? And what if that day is Christmas? Marlene, I've just given the world an extra Christmas!

• Victor : I don't want you jumping through hoops just to impress her. Be yourself.

  Alex : I am being myself: a desperately insecure girl who wants people to like her!

• Victor : Rochelle, how are things in the Age of Aquarius?

  Rochelle : Great. They said they want their mustache back.

• Victor : I hope you don't take anything that I said too personally.

  Rochelle : You mean the part where you called me a "vicious little gnome," or the part where you suggested I had erotic interests in turtles?

  Victor : Yeah, one of those.

• Victor : You remember last night when you were talkin' about family? You said something that really hit home with me. You said, "No matter what, always respect your mother."

  Matt : I never said anything like that. Do you just hear what you wanna hear?

  Victor : Oh, why, thank you, Matt; I have been working out!

• Victor : Just because I think she's nuttier than a Snickers bar doesn't mean that you should disrespect her.