In-Laws (2002–2003)

Jean Smart: Marlene Pellet

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marlene : Family dinners don't start until the whole family's here.

  Alex : Where's Daddy?

  Marlene : He's getting seconds.

• Marlene : Call me old-fashioned, but when I was your age, nice girls brushed their hair after sex.

• Matt : Marlene, uh, this looks delicious.

  Marlene : Oh, Matt, thanks. I would say it was effortless, but why lie? I broke my ass!

• Alex : Looks like the new Marlene's ready to climb the corporate ladder.

  Marlene : I'm not climbin' anything in this skirt. Unless, of course, I want to close the deal!

• Alex : Ma, remember when you were in high school and there was a group of popular girls that were, like, oblivious to everyone else?

  Marlene : No. It was just me and my friends.

• Matt : The trophies didn't move! The trophies didn't move!

  Marlene : Wouldn't it be more alarming if they did?

• Marlene : The men of this household are marking their territory. If I were you, I would just try to stay out of the way and not get sprayed!

• Matt : Marlene, can you, uh, keep a secret?

  Marlene : No.

• Matt : When you have to tell Victor some bad news, is there anything you do or say to soften the blow?

  Marlene : Well, there is this one thing I do.

  Matt : Please, I'm desperate.

  Marlene : Usually I start by taking a bubble bath with him.

  Matt : Is there any special soap?

• Marlene : You look good in leather. Well, everybody looks good in leather. Yeah, leather's lucky... well, except for cows.

• Matt : Marlene, is it me or does your sledgehammer clash with that bag?

  Marlene : I use this to hammer in my "For Sale" signs. You know, every time I swing it I feel like I'm driving in a golden spike on a whole new future and I smile. Although sometimes I hit a sprinkler line, then I just run!

• Marlene : Victor, does our insurance cover sledgehammer accidents?

  Victor : No. Why?

  Marlene : Nothing!

• Victor : What's going on?

  Marlene : Alex wants Matt to fit in.

  Victor : Where?

  Marlene : Here.

  Victor : Why?

• [Victor and Marlene eavesdrop at the door] 

  Victor : What's going on now?

  Marlene : Matt thinks we're listening.

  Victor : That paranoid little bastard!

• Marlene : I'm the only person in the office who hasn't sold a house yet. People are beginning to talk. They call me "Can't Sell It Pellet."

  Matt : So, someone said something in passing.

  Marlene : They made it my screensaver!

• Matt : I, uh, hung a little Halloween decoration on the front porch and these two are making a big deal out of it.

  Marlene : A decoration? Oh, good God, Matt, you've opened the gates of hell!

• Alex : You made this?

  Marlene : Yeah, well, it was kind of a team effort. I called and Pasta Palace delivered.

• Marlene : Oh, what? You're afraid I'm gonna repeat it?

  Alex : Mom, you break news faster than CNN!

• Alex : I earned that award for selling the most cookies!

  Marlene : Your father bought most of them and he paid the neighbors to act like they bought them. Don't you remember? It was that summer I gained seventeen pounds and everything smelled like Thin Mints!

• Alex : You said you had the day off.

  Marlene : Yeah, well, "day off" was kind of putting a spin on it.

  Alex : What does it sound like when it stops spinning?

  Marlene : I ditched work.

• Marlene : It was just a real estate seminar. The last one was a motivational speaker telling us how to stay focused. Blah, blah, blah... I fell asleep!

• Victor : Well that was the worst movie ever made!

  Alex : Daddy, how do you know? We barely stayed past the opening credits.

  Victor : Well that's because in the first ten minutes it contained two of my movie dealbreakers: period costumes and male nudity.

  Marlene : Well I liked the part I saw... Oh, that didn't come out right!

• Marlene : Alex! Don't let your father catch you opening presents 'til Christmas.

  Alex : I thought I heard a puppy in there and I wanted to make sure it had some air!

• Marlene : Can you believe that? She asked me to take care of her cat for the week!

  Matt : Yeah but, Marlene, you offered.

  Marlene : No, I didn't! I said, "If there's anything I can do." It's a hollow, meaningless gesture!

• Victor : He had the nerve to call our daughter spoiled in our home?

  Marlene : I know!

  Victor : Well we better buy her something to make her feel better!

• Alex : He also said that I tell you everything.

  Marlene : That is so not true! What else did he say?

• Victor : Marlene, what have I been dreaming about for the last six months?

  Marlene : Matt with big chipmunk teeth, chasing you with a frying pan?

• Marlene : All I had to do to impress Victor's mother was get pregnant right away. Thank goodness she was lousy at math!

• Marlene : You know, we really don't have room for this one, but where do you throw out a recycling bin?