- Cafeteria Lady: That's Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, Nathaniel. Now unlike yo' mama, some of us know how to keep a husband!
- Cafeteria Lady: You may be a math teacher over there, but in here, you nothin' but a substance abuser that can count to ten!
- Mama: You want national security? I got a church full of nosy ol' ladies. Put them in the CIA and they'll find out everybody's business. They'll tell you where Osama *been* and where Osama gon' be!
- Mama: [when Glen Cox interrupts] Excuse me, but was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Did you hear *it*?
- Glen Cox: No, but--
- Mama: Did you hear IT? Answer me!
- Glen Cox: No.
- Mama: Well, you need to shut up when grown folks is talkin'. You need to learn your manners. This whole country needs to learn their manners.
- [replies to request of green beans]
- Cafeteria Lady: Ain't no mo' green beans! Just mashed potatoes and corn!
- Glen Cox: Since you are a natural blonde, how long did it take for you to put it on with those eagle talons you call nails, Mama?!? (laughs)
- Interviewer: Oh no, you didn't!
- Mama: First of all, it is my hair. I got the receipt in my purse to prove it. And second, don't you *ever* talk to Mama like that again, or I'm gonna beat you until this belt sizzles! (snaps belt)
- Glen Cox: You will do no such thing!
- Mama: Bring it on!
- [A question is asked about global warming.]
- Mama: You asked the right person about global warming. I heated a whole house with a blow dryer and and a waffle iron. You do the math!
- Glen Cox: This answer is as ridiculous as this mink tarp that you've got around your buttocks. It's summertime.
- Mama: First of all, that's sable, so that shows you where you at. And second of all, I ain't afraid of no man that I can see the top of their head. He little!
- [on the game show "Taste Buds"]
- Howard: [tastes food] It's served on an open grill...................You know what this can use? Some hot sauce!
- Game Show Host: Looks like you'll have to stop guessing meats.
- Cafeteria Lady: The green beans are for the children. Children like little Joey. Family's so po' they house sittin' on a kickstand!
- [Joey leaves]
- Cafeteria Lady: Come back here, Joey! You know yo' mama ain't comin' back 'till last call!
- Cafeteria Lady: Somebody need to get they white mama to get they black grandma and teach her how to do her hair!
- Spencer Elwood: There has been a certain issue. One that has touched me directly.
- [plays "Hail to the Chief" on the radio]
- Spencer Elwood: This whack-behind Presidential song! You can't Harlem-shake to that!
- Cafeteria Lady: Hey there, what are them books you readin?
- Man: Nothing you would understand; It's beyond your scope!
- Cafeteria Lady: Let me tell YOU what's beyond scope, your breath!