Hatchet (2006)

Joel David Moore: Ben

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben : You gotta be fucking kidding me.

• Shawn : The tour is leaving right now, it's forty bones each.

  Ben : Forty dollars?

  Marcus : Can you spot me?

  Ben : What, you don't have any cash?

  Marcus : No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.

• Ben : We want to do a haunted swap tour.

  Rev. Zombie : I don't do night tours anymore; I'm not allowed to. Insurance got too high after what happened.

  Marcus : Too bad. Let's go.

  Ben : Wait, wait, what happened?

  Rev. Zombie : Oh, you don't want to know.

  Ben : [eagerly]  I so want to know.

  Rev. Zombie : I had a tour group, out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the mist of night, and there was this kid...

  [to Marcus] 

  Rev. Zombie : who looked kind of like you...

  [resuming the story] 

  Rev. Zombie : he was spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods. It chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...

  Ben : He fell in?

  Marcus : A gator got him?

  Ben : What happened?

  Rev. Zombie : He slipped, hit his head on the roof... and sued me for negligence! That cocksucker!

  Ben : [disappointed]  That's it?

• Ben : Can you see anything from up there?

  Marcus : I can see there ain't no dead elephant man gonna kill me!

• Ben : Come on, this is gonna be fun.

  Marcus : About as fun as crabs.

  Ben : You would know.

  Marcus : Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.

  Ben : You did.

  Marcus : I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!

  Ben : She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.

  Marcus : She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.

  Ben : Fabric softener!

  Marcus : Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?

  Ben : ...I have sex all the time...

  Marcus : -shut up.

• Ben : This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?

• Ben : This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that? I should have stayed at home.

  Buddy #1 : What, so you could sit in your room and cry about Heather?

  Ben : Christine.

• Ben : I'm Ben.

  Marybeth : [blandly]  Mary Beth.

  Ben : Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.

  Marcus : [looks at him puzzled] 

  Ben : So do you have any pets?

  Marcus : [smacks him on the back of the head] 

  Ben : [to Marybeth]  Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?

• Marcus : [making fun of the lines Ben was using on the woman sitting next to him]  "That's a nice coat." You got some great lines.

  Ben : [trying to make a rebuttal]  What about some of your lines? That's about as classic as... That's about as classic as... I got nothing.

  Marcus : Exactly!

• Ben : [when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet]  Samuel M. Barrett; Whitman Diagnostics, Senior Marketing Manager... Doug Shapiro; Producer, Director.

  Jenna : That asshole! I flew all the way down here from New York and he... AH!

  Misty : So he didn't really work for Bayou Beavers?

  Ben : I'm thinking no.

  Marcus : Dude must pretend he's a producer to get his own collection.

  [to himself] 

  Marcus : Good idea.

  Misty : That pervert! Why are all men such slime? I can't believe I've fallen for this shit 3 times now!